Rollercoaster!
Mood: Tired
Listening to: Nick Junior on tele
After Sarah left last night, I got a phone call from Hubby who was in the pub with his friends. He asked me to come along too earlier cause my friend Sam was there too but I said no cause I was not in the pub mood. I was actualy surprised that he was!!
I fed the kids and asked them to put their PJs on. I only ate their leftovers of Spaghettis and sausages... I was not too hungry!
When he finally came back home, just before 9pm, he stank of booze and fags.... I really hate that smell!
I was kinda quiet and was watching American Idol...(it started last night and I love the auditions...!). He kept asking me if I was ok. He kept asking me if I had any thoughts, if I made any decision, if I changed my mind...etc!
And I said no no no. After a while he said that he felt better about the whole thing. He said 'Iam closer now to actually let you go' I was very surprised. He told me that he had spoken to his mate Simon and that his friend managed to show him what he was doing wrong. He said that he understood me and that he was not gonna stand in the way. He said that he was ok with it all, that he realised that we were not made for each other and that in the future maybe he will find someone and he will be ok when I do.... I mean I didn't even think that far!! So I was kinda surprised!! Such a turn around in just a few hours! I thought Great....That should ease things.
After an hour of him talking telling me that he had changed and that he will change more and me listening and agreeing with what he was saying, I said I was gonna go to bed. He decided to stay up a little longer. I was not tired, so I went up and read my book (A million little pieces by James Frey). That discussion got me thinking though and I was in a turmoil inside. Was I doing the right thing? He showed me how mature and normal he could be with such a hard situation. I thought about what I would leave behind if I went and was really doubting my actions....
After a while hubby came to bed. I was still reading but I could see that he was staring at me. I looked at him and he smiled...then he got closer and he said...'How about some fun... no strings atached!!' I could not believe it. I thought what the hell is he thinking. I mean he is describing it as fun while it was a chore for me for years! When i said no, he said 'oh come on... I know you will enjoy it'...honestly I could not believe my ears. I must have said No about 20 times and in the end I just put my book in between us and tried to read... He insisted again and I just firmly said 'NO..GO TO SLEEP!' He looked annoyed. He actually decided that he was not tired after all and went back downstairs. (Typical jerk action) Not long after that I turned the light off and went to dreamland.
Then at 2.30am he shook me and I thought something had happened. I sat up and asked what was the matter. And he said 'I cant believe you are asleep. I cant sleep...and you are fast asleep!! I've just benn out. Didn't you hear the door. I went for a walk... didn't you notice??!! Why are you so cold about it...why dont you care how I feel. Do you hate me that much...' I was like half asleep, confused and he was bombarding me with non sense questions. When I am asleep (and I am a heavy sleeper) I hate being disturbed..no matter what is happening (of course if the kids were sick I would wake up). SO I hit the pillow again and asked him to leave me alone. And he laid into me even more, called me the Ice Queen.... and that is not the first time he calls me that. I am starting to get really annoyed with that little new nickname! After ages of him ranting at me and proding me so I'd wake up again...he said : I bet you wish I was dead. You'd love it if I got run over by a car. You probably would think Ah great.. that should make things easier.
At that point I could have strangled him myself and not wait for the car to run him over!! I sat up and said to him.... 'well... well done Hubby. You have managed to change for a total of a few hours. That is just great!!!' I told him that he promised changes in the new year and that so far he did nothing. He was still smoking, drinking and acting like a jerk. I told him that his attitude was only reinforcing my decision to leave. I was so annoyed with him, I felt like getting up, pack a bag and go....but as I said earlier. I was tucked in bed and could not bring myself to leave the comfiness of it!!
I asked him to turn the light off and go to sleep cause he was really not helping himself. Amazingly he did. But I was wide awake by then and I have not managed to sleep well at all after that.
This morning, the kids woke up. He tried to come closer to me but I quickly gathered enough quilt between us so he knew what to expect. He didn't insist and turned his back on me.
20 minutes later he came closer again, kissed my back and said he was sorry. Now where have I heard that one before!!!! I told him that he really should take a long hard look at himself.
I hated his touch on me. I hated him being so close to me and wanted him to just leave the bed. I felt clostrophobic with his arm around my waist. I could not breath properly.
When he finally left, I felt a sense of deep relief. My doubts from the night before had vanished. I am now determined that I definately made the right decision. On Tuesday we are going to see a marriage counsellor. I hope this will help...both of us!
Today he is going to take the kids to see his granparents. I have to go in town to get a present for Sarah's birthday for Monday. That will be good for me to be by myself for a while.
He rang me this morning when he got to work and asked me if it was possible for us to have a nice weekend. To not be angry at each other and take the kids somewhere nice on Sunday. I agreed (relunctantly cause I really dont want to spend time with him and play happy families). But we'll see.
Have a nice weekend
Mey
-x-
I hope you had a good weekend.
Pia
You just keep doing what you\'re doing. Always trust your gut feeling, sweetie. You have a great hold on things and yourself. Just keep focused on your children and you. When men get drunk, they\'re naturally all over the place. It\'s crazy like that. Steve can go from one end of the spectrum to the other. One second he\'s all lovey-dovey and the next we\'re screaming at each other.
I hope you have a better weekend, you deserve it. Think of Sunday as spending time with your children, not him. :) Just hang in there and savor every moment you have with your children. They\'re the ones that are going to be the constant in your life. =]
*hugs n luvins*
Im here anytime, sweetpea.
Shel
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