Red Eyes... raw with pain
I have been crying so much today. I arrived at school to drop Jack and Donna was there and she looked at me and first thing she said was 'Wassrong babe' and I just told her and she said it was gonna be harder now but in the end it will sort itself out... didn't stop me from crying in the playground trying to hide my face in my coat. Donna has been there too but she was on the receiver end... it's quite different for me but as painful I think!
I jumped into my car and drove to work. I was crying in my car...it was just pouring out of my eyes and I could not stop it but I did not want to go home... that would have been just horrid to stay home. I arrived at work and started to make sure I was being composed and was gonna be ok. But as soon as my colleague saw me, she said 'Wassrong??!!' and I burst out crying again. So for 45 minutes she took me in her office and talked to me which was great cause she made me realise that I was not the bad guy....there is no bad guy... things like that happen and it will eventually sort itself out! She convinced me to go and see a marriage counsellor with Hubby. He suggested it to me earlier but I dismissed it. Now I was agreeing to see someone so at least that is something.
I called Hubby to tell him I agreed to seing a counsellor and the first he asked was if I had told anyone about the situation. That is all he cared about...what others think! I actually needed to speak to someone...the more people the better. That is how I cope! Anyway...lunch passed and I was so desperately trying to concentrate at work... I had a few emails from friends and some cheered me up, others advised me so I kept busy replying to them.
Then I had to go to another office to pick up an old patient's file and while I was in the other office there was a knock on the door which was unusual cause the office is empty most of the time. It was Hubby!!!! He came in and he said 'right...I really need for you to be honest with me and tell me honestly if there is someone else in your life and that is why you want to leave' And again I said there was not. It would be so much easier I think if there was... at least I have a "real" reason to do what I am doing!! But no such thing for me. I am not looking for anything. I want to really find myself again. So Hubby's visit was a horrible moment. He was asking questions about how I felt and what I thought of him and I was telling him to leave it... to just not push it and take one step at the time but he wouldn't. In the end I told him I was tired of his obsessive jealousy, I wanted a man who was strong, full of confidence and not weak and I also said I didnt love him the way I should....he left in a big strop and I was left in the office.... crying again!!!
I came back upstairs and my other colleague told me that my mobile phone had been ringing.... it was him. So I rang him and he again lost it and I even think that in his panic, he cried a bit but I am not sure... that made me feel shit like you'd never believe!!
I again told him that we should wait till we see the counsellor. I told him no decision was made yet so there was no reason for him to panic and he replied 'my wife just told me she didnt love me anymore so I think I have the right to feel like that' (he used the F word a lot in that sentence but I spared you!). He put the phone down, I went back to my desk and the manager of the paediatric team saw me... she said 'you ok?' and of course I burst out crying again... she left me alone saying she would be there for me if I needed to talk and then Claire, another colleague walked in and straight away pulled up a chair and started asking the question and she talk to me for a good 30 minutes. She went throught a nervous breakdown last year and still is recovering but she had some great words for me. I have been really well looked after at work today....but I know Hubby hasn't. And now I am dreading him coming home cause he's gonna either want to talk and push more, or be moody, or be really sad.... I really can't cope at all with all of this....
I know! I've started it all and now I have to get on with it and make sure the best solution is to be found....
I have spoken to my mum with skype and understandingbly she asked me if there was someone else...and ask me to be really honest with her...again I told her No and then she asked that if maybe I was the one responsible for him being so jealous ... I was quite disappointed cause I really thought she was gonna support me 100%. She didn't..only just about 75% which to me is a disappointment... but maybe I want too much!!!
Anyway, she said that I needed to really think about what I am doing before making any drastic decision.... I have been thinking about my lack of feelings for Hubby for a few years now. So I shall concentrate on how I will cope without him.. cause I know that is what is coming!
Thanks Mist, Pia and Teri for your lovely comments. Means a lot!
Mey
-x-
I jumped into my car and drove to work. I was crying in my car...it was just pouring out of my eyes and I could not stop it but I did not want to go home... that would have been just horrid to stay home. I arrived at work and started to make sure I was being composed and was gonna be ok. But as soon as my colleague saw me, she said 'Wassrong??!!' and I burst out crying again. So for 45 minutes she took me in her office and talked to me which was great cause she made me realise that I was not the bad guy....there is no bad guy... things like that happen and it will eventually sort itself out! She convinced me to go and see a marriage counsellor with Hubby. He suggested it to me earlier but I dismissed it. Now I was agreeing to see someone so at least that is something.
I called Hubby to tell him I agreed to seing a counsellor and the first he asked was if I had told anyone about the situation. That is all he cared about...what others think! I actually needed to speak to someone...the more people the better. That is how I cope! Anyway...lunch passed and I was so desperately trying to concentrate at work... I had a few emails from friends and some cheered me up, others advised me so I kept busy replying to them.
Then I had to go to another office to pick up an old patient's file and while I was in the other office there was a knock on the door which was unusual cause the office is empty most of the time. It was Hubby!!!! He came in and he said 'right...I really need for you to be honest with me and tell me honestly if there is someone else in your life and that is why you want to leave' And again I said there was not. It would be so much easier I think if there was... at least I have a "real" reason to do what I am doing!! But no such thing for me. I am not looking for anything. I want to really find myself again. So Hubby's visit was a horrible moment. He was asking questions about how I felt and what I thought of him and I was telling him to leave it... to just not push it and take one step at the time but he wouldn't. In the end I told him I was tired of his obsessive jealousy, I wanted a man who was strong, full of confidence and not weak and I also said I didnt love him the way I should....he left in a big strop and I was left in the office.... crying again!!!
I came back upstairs and my other colleague told me that my mobile phone had been ringing.... it was him. So I rang him and he again lost it and I even think that in his panic, he cried a bit but I am not sure... that made me feel shit like you'd never believe!!
I again told him that we should wait till we see the counsellor. I told him no decision was made yet so there was no reason for him to panic and he replied 'my wife just told me she didnt love me anymore so I think I have the right to feel like that' (he used the F word a lot in that sentence but I spared you!). He put the phone down, I went back to my desk and the manager of the paediatric team saw me... she said 'you ok?' and of course I burst out crying again... she left me alone saying she would be there for me if I needed to talk and then Claire, another colleague walked in and straight away pulled up a chair and started asking the question and she talk to me for a good 30 minutes. She went throught a nervous breakdown last year and still is recovering but she had some great words for me. I have been really well looked after at work today....but I know Hubby hasn't. And now I am dreading him coming home cause he's gonna either want to talk and push more, or be moody, or be really sad.... I really can't cope at all with all of this....
I know! I've started it all and now I have to get on with it and make sure the best solution is to be found....
I have spoken to my mum with skype and understandingbly she asked me if there was someone else...and ask me to be really honest with her...again I told her No and then she asked that if maybe I was the one responsible for him being so jealous ... I was quite disappointed cause I really thought she was gonna support me 100%. She didn't..only just about 75% which to me is a disappointment... but maybe I want too much!!!
Anyway, she said that I needed to really think about what I am doing before making any drastic decision.... I have been thinking about my lack of feelings for Hubby for a few years now. So I shall concentrate on how I will cope without him.. cause I know that is what is coming!
Thanks Mist, Pia and Teri for your lovely comments. Means a lot!
Mey
-x-
I so wish I could give ya a big hug right now. I am glad that you have support though. Unfortunlately it will probably get darker before you finally see the light at the end of this horrid emotional tunnel. Stay strong and true to yourself. There is no point in staying and being miserable... Your hubby will be miserable and so will you. You both deserve to be HAPPY. Neither one of you seem to have been happy for a while now. I am still praying for you sweets. Hang in there and be strong. It will get better.
Love and Hugs to you I send on the wings of angels....
=( Teri\'06
Rough times huh? Like Teri said, stay strong. Whenever my life seems to be turned upside down, the people around me remind me how lucky I am to have such caring friends, and such a support system. I\'m usually around if you feel like chatting, venting, going a lil crazy at times : )
Love and Hugs, Pixie