Out in the open now
OK... My eyes are red raw from all the crying!
Last night we had yet another fight and I ended up shutting up cause I knew I was gonna say something I'd regret.
We didnt speak to each other after the kids went to bed. At 9.30 I said I was off to bed cause I was tired and he asked if I wanted to talk to him....well duh...No I said I was going to bed!!!
This morning I woke up at 4am. And I stated thinking about all sort of things. I am so confused inside my own head it's scary even for me...and I am not usually scared of anything...well... apart from spiders but I truly believe these things were put on earth to push people's adrenaline up!!
Anyway, at 6 I decided I could not stay in bed anymore so I got up and hit the shower, washed my hair etc... He got up and asked why I was up so early and I simply said I could not sleep anymore. He asked if I was alright and I just said Yes... such a liar ME!
When he was done with his shower, he came in the bedroom and asked how I felt. And I said I didn't know. He asked me all sorts of questions and asked what was going to happen to us. And I said I didn't know. He asked if I wanted to be with him still and I said...I dont know.
Then from there, it went from bad to worse. He asked me all sort of questions about how I felt and what I was planning to do to which I had no answer. I kept telling him that I was not sure what I felt for him anymore, and that I didnt want to hurt him, and that I was trying to figure out what I wanted... basically I kept saying I dont know to a lot of things and he was pushing and pushing to tell him more. He asked me to be honest with him that I at least owed him that. So I thought to myself than yes... I owed him that. And there I said it: I dont think I love you anymore. And as much as it hits him, it hits me too. I finally said that thing I have been thinking about for the last few months. I felt relieved for a brief moment. But then I felt really scared cause I realised that there was no turning back.
He asked me if there was someone else and I said no there wasn't. But you know what,.... I wish there was someone else in my life so at least it would make it easier for me. I'll have a good reason to leave. Although for me, not loving someone anymore is a good reason to leave. I didn't do this on purpose. I didn't fall out of love with him on purpose. It was not in my plans. I didn't see my life turning out this way. I was planning a life with two people who love each other for ever and grow old together. I was hoping that would happen to me too but I have realised for a while now that he is not the man I was to grow old with.
I have to go to work now. So I'll carry on writing later.
Have a good day
Mey
-x-
Last night we had yet another fight and I ended up shutting up cause I knew I was gonna say something I'd regret.
We didnt speak to each other after the kids went to bed. At 9.30 I said I was off to bed cause I was tired and he asked if I wanted to talk to him....well duh...No I said I was going to bed!!!
This morning I woke up at 4am. And I stated thinking about all sort of things. I am so confused inside my own head it's scary even for me...and I am not usually scared of anything...well... apart from spiders but I truly believe these things were put on earth to push people's adrenaline up!!
Anyway, at 6 I decided I could not stay in bed anymore so I got up and hit the shower, washed my hair etc... He got up and asked why I was up so early and I simply said I could not sleep anymore. He asked if I was alright and I just said Yes... such a liar ME!
When he was done with his shower, he came in the bedroom and asked how I felt. And I said I didn't know. He asked me all sorts of questions and asked what was going to happen to us. And I said I didn't know. He asked if I wanted to be with him still and I said...I dont know.
Then from there, it went from bad to worse. He asked me all sort of questions about how I felt and what I was planning to do to which I had no answer. I kept telling him that I was not sure what I felt for him anymore, and that I didnt want to hurt him, and that I was trying to figure out what I wanted... basically I kept saying I dont know to a lot of things and he was pushing and pushing to tell him more. He asked me to be honest with him that I at least owed him that. So I thought to myself than yes... I owed him that. And there I said it: I dont think I love you anymore. And as much as it hits him, it hits me too. I finally said that thing I have been thinking about for the last few months. I felt relieved for a brief moment. But then I felt really scared cause I realised that there was no turning back.
He asked me if there was someone else and I said no there wasn't. But you know what,.... I wish there was someone else in my life so at least it would make it easier for me. I'll have a good reason to leave. Although for me, not loving someone anymore is a good reason to leave. I didn't do this on purpose. I didn't fall out of love with him on purpose. It was not in my plans. I didn't see my life turning out this way. I was planning a life with two people who love each other for ever and grow old together. I was hoping that would happen to me too but I have realised for a while now that he is not the man I was to grow old with.
I have to go to work now. So I'll carry on writing later.
Have a good day
Mey
-x-
I hope you are feeling better soon!
It\'s good that it is out now darlin\'. You can both figure out where to go from here. Who knows, maybe you\'ll both take a break, get to know one another again, and you may find in one another what you loved about the other again. You may not, but this is probably the worse it will get. It should start to get better from here. I\'m praying for you Mey. Love you sweets. Take care of yourself and your babies.
Your friend always,
=)) Teri\'06 ((=
*hugs*
tchocky