Mey's Journal

It's just getting harder and harder.

Last night we argued about the fact that I didn't come down to see him on the scene of the accident.  He was hurt that I didnt care at all and did not bother try to come and see him there.  He said he was almost in tears looking at the kid he knocked over laying on the road while a lot of other people were making sure the kid was ok.
I kept saying that his brother had told me not to come and that I went straight home thinking he would come there afterwards.  Telling him I was thinking of him when I went home and wanted him to know I would be here to support him through this horrible ordeal.
Anyway...it was a stupid argument, absolutely unecessary and pointless.

He was again very upset last night and came over to lay next to me afterwards.  I feel sad cause even if I am feeling crap for hurting him like this, when he comes over, I wish he just wouldn't!

About 9.30pm, I was falling asleep on the sofa.  So he said 'shall we go to bed...I am tired too'. So I went up, put my PJs on and went to bed.  He came closer to me (we have a queen size bed so there is plenty of space between us!!) and I thought he would just want to cuddle.  Then he said 'Shall we make love'.  I simply said No.  He got all frustrated again saying that suddenly I decided to stop it all and that I was very unfair... he was angry and I can't blame him.  However, I said 'Would you rather me to continue pretending?'.  He got up and started to rant about the fact that he was not gonna cope, that he could not breaht etc etc... he's done that before when he was in his jealousy mode!
I dont know why but I just could not bring myself to stop him feeling this way.  I was just wishing he would just go downstairs and leave me alone cause I was tired and wanted to sleep.
He did and I felt asleep.  Then he woke me up at about 12.30am telling me we had to sort this out.  He said there was no way we could not be together for ever.  He would not put up with this.
I was half asleep and told him that right now, it was not the time to sort anything out.  I asked him to just calmed down and try to get some sleep cause 12.30am was not a good time for a deep conversation.

He finally felt asleep and this morning...he apologised.  I wish he would change the record.  So many times he's done this.  Giving me shit in the middle of the night and in the morning say 'sorry'.
That really just reinforce my belief that me leaving him is the best for me.
He begged me this morning to reconcider.  He even said 'can't you stay with me even though you dont love me'.  Now that would be easy wouldn' it!!!  I told him that I'll do anything for the children.  I even suggested that I would sleep in the spare room from now on.  I told him that I am not looking for anyone else at the moment so I am really not interested to get a flat by myself and play the single life.  Maybe later but right now, I am concentrating on ME.  I know... it's all about ME ME ME... but I only have one life and as long as my children are ok, then ME will be important and my priority (after the kids...I want to emphasis that!!!  I am not the wicked mother who leave it all behind.  They are my life and I will never do anything to hurt them)
When hubby left this morning, he hugged me and try to kiss me and kissed my cheeck.  Only because I turned my head, not on purpose...it was a freak moment and he thought I was making yet another point.  So he hugged me even harder, kissed my lips and just sighed in despair!  I feel bad... but I am not backing down.
I will not pretend anymore. 
Mey
-x-