Mey's Journal

It was only a matter of time before the mother in law (MIL) would come round and have a little chat with me.  Hubby told me yesterday afternoon that he had to tell his parents as his mood at work was less than happy and they would ask questions anyway.
Parents is law are off to Thailand today for 2 weeks so last night they wanted to come and say goodbye to the children.  They always do that when they go somewhere.
And of course I knew MIL would ask questions.  Hubby had gone to play squash...thanks a lot for leaving me with the dragon by myself!!!!  I told hubby that I would simply tell her that I didn't want to talk about it.  I know how to handle her and she knows not to go to far with me....
So anyway they arrived and I said hi and I was not gonna ask them if they wanted a drink cause I wanted them out sooner rather than later.  They both went upstairs to see the kids and I stayed downstairs watching tele....or at least staring at the screen!
Then it took just about 5 minutes when MIL came downstairs, sat on the chair near me and said 'So... what is going on with you and Hubby then?'.  I sort of smiled and said I didn't really want to talk about it.  But I might as well have spoken to the wall behind me cause she didnt take any notice and carried on asking question.
She asked what I was feeling, and why I was doing what I was doing, and how long has it been going on, and why I was on anti-depressant and how long had I taken them.  She even asked me if I had been influenced by any of my friends (Well last time I checked I was able to make my own mind!!!)
I answered all the questions and she seemed surprised cause I think she realised it was a little more serious than just a tif.  She actually thought I was doing that out of spite against hubby!!!  And she said to be careful not to say anything hurtful just for the sake of it.... How cruel does she think I am and how shallow does she think I am...who does she think she is!!!!
Then she said that every marriage go through rough patches. 
And then it came.  She started talking about herself and how her life was never that rosey all the time but that you have to stick with it, and that there were times where you need to sacrifice part of your life to make others feel better and that when you get married it's for fucking life.... (she didn't say the F word... I put it there cause I am winding myself up as I am writing this).  Then she said that her and father in law would be devastated if me and hubby would split up .... Oh well I shall stay with him cause I dont want you two to be upset...SILLY COW!
Anyway, she managed to make me cry (My eyes are so sore and dry at the moment) and she came to sit next to me and hugged me and said they didnt want to loose me.
What the hell is this!!!   LOOSE ME.... I am not flipping DYING!!!
I told her that I knew I would hurt people and that I felt rotten about it but that right now, I did not know what was happening or what the future was going to be.  And I answered once again to THE question everybody seem to be asking me...Is there someone else?
Why does it have to involve anyone else.  Cant I just fall out of love with someone without being with someone else.  What a bunch of narrow minded little people!!!!
Then she said that we should go and see a counsellor.  All my friends have said to me that going to see a counsellor would be good for the both of us.  It will make us see what is wrong and may help hubby cope with it.  All my friends understand me and know that I am sure about the fact that I want to leave.  And what did MIL say 'You should go and see a cousellor because maybe what you are feeling is not right and they will help you see and realise what you have'  Stupid bitch.  Of course her son is sooooo good!!  I told her about the jealousy and the years of me having to put up with him and his paranoia.  And she said 'oh yeah but surely it's not just that'  Of course not Stupid MIL... cause you know my life so flipping well!!!!!
I was dying for them to leave my house.... I just wanted her to see that I wanted her to go.  I was screaming in my head for her to leave.  I was hoping she would hear me....
Then she stood up and said she was going to see the boys upstairs and I felt so relieved!!  I went in the kitchen and started dinner so I would be busy.  Hubby arrived (at last) and he came in the kitchen and asked if I was ok.  I told him his mum had been as good as she can get...and he knew that it meant bad!

They finally left and me and hubby had dinner.  And I said to him that for now I wished for him not to hug me or kiss me or ask me to be intimate with him.  I said that it would be best otherwise I would have to reject his advance all the time and it would make things worse.  He agreed but looked sad... and I said: it'll be ok....
I meant he will be fine and will cope!!  Not we'll get trhough this and have another baby!!!  (that is what his mother probably is hoping for...she is dying for a grandaughter!!  well...she can jump as far as I am concerned!!)

Yesterday at work Hubby called me about 7 times.  He really is doing the opposite of what he should do.  My friend Theresa was in the office with me in the afternoon and she realised how obsessive he was being.... and she felt sorry for me... although she didnt say it but she sort of made me understand it...LOL  She is so nice!!

I am seeing Sarah this afternoon.  I have not been able to talk to her properly yet about it all as she was working most of the week (12 hours shift).  Hubby called her last night.  God knows why but he said that she had to told him to chill and to stop being the way he is cause he is not making anything better.... Thank you Sarah....!!
This morning he asked me if I would be happy if he'd find someone else.  Naturally I said Yes... and he was hurt by my answer.  Sometimes I should think before I open my mouth cause I know that answer was not very nice.  But I am being honest and hopefully he will come round to the idea!!

Coffee time now and thank you everyone for your lovely messages, it really helps me!!
I have been called brave so much lately I dont know why.  I feel very selfish and rotten... but I also feel I have not choice!
Mey
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