Mey's Journal

Jan 27, 2006 at 14:34 o\clock

Moving Blog

by: mey2

I am fed up with Blogigo error messages all the time.
So I have moved my blog somewhere else...

Find it HERE and keep it in your favourite


Mey
-x-

Jan 26, 2006 at 17:07 o\clock

I am FAT!

by: mey2

Mood: Enjoying some Doritos
Listening to: Countdown

Jee... I am eating a packet of Doritos and can't stop.... I should stop... I need to loose some weight.  But I cant stop eating them!  They are just too yummy...and addictive!!
After this morning (see previous entry) I felt really annoyed going to work and I didnt really want to do any work.  But I went anyway and did the job I am paid to do... not enough paid but paid anyhow!

I have had a couple of coffees this morning, with a couple of chocolate biscuits and I know it was bad but I can't help it.  Ideally I should have a bottle of water and maybe some nuts to munch on. 
I am suppose to be depressed and sad and I had two options.  Be off my food and loose some weight with no effort, or be into my food and eat more than I should and put on weight thinking it wont stick!!  
So now, when I will be looking for another person to share my life (or just casual sex cause anything is possible LOL) I will look like the Michelin guy... and that's no good.

I need to loose weight and I need to have something to help me loose weight... Any idea is welcome!

Anyway, after a dull morning at work, I got an email from my brother who told me that he and Camille are ok.  There's been a huge argument cause he found out her mobile phone bill and realised she was texting that guy more than she should have (80 texts in one month just to the guy... that's a lot!).  He told me that at the moment she had promised she would stop texting him and that he should trust her.  So to be continued.
Before he finished his email he asked me if I was ok and that I should know I could speak to him if needed. 
And I thought...Great... my mother could not keep her mouth shut  and told him what was happening with me... Never mind.  So I replied to him telling him everything.  Now I'll wait for what he's gonna have to say on the matter!

Then all of a sudden at work, it went all crazy.  I had a report and an induction pack to get ready in less than an hour but as well as getting them ready, I had to update most of it, retype a lot of it cause I could not find it on the PC and get it all nice and neat for Monday (cause I dont work Fridays for those who still dont know).
It was a bit of a panic and I was swearing a lot... my manager walked in to ask me to find a patients note and she saw I was stressed... I gave her what she needed and she left swiftly LOL.
Then in the middle of my panic I got a phone call from Hubby.  I thought 'What the hell does he want now' I picked up the phone and he asked me where I was .......  Well DUH.. at work you MORON!  Then he goes 'Oh dear.. I am so tired... are you tired'  I was like I am not tired. I am trying to get this thing out in the next 10 minutes cause I have to pick up Tom from nursery, then Jack from school and one of his friends and I have 15 minutes to do all that...  So I replied on the phone 'I cant talk right now, I am really busy' and put the phone down... and I knew it would be drama at the other end...

So I managed to get on time to school (God knows how), I saw Sarah there who was absolutely shivering with the cold.  I let her borrow my gloves she was so cold... and we talked about Saturday night and I really cant wait.  I am soooooo gonna  enjoy it!!!

I called him when I got home to say that I was sorry for being short on the phone but that I really was busy... and he was ok about it... Now that is a surprise!!!

And here I am now...still eating Doritos getting fatter by the minute!
Have a nice evening!
Mey
-x-

Jan 26, 2006 at 09:23 o\clock

another down...

by: mey2

Mood: whatever
Listening to: GMTV... and no... it's not for chavs!

Last night hubby came home and he was fine.  Then I mentioned that his mate had to go to Cardiff so his Friday night was cancelled.  He then asked if Sam was not going out on Saturday and I said no.  And I think he was annoyed with that cause he knew she would keep an eye on me...honestly..I feel like a child being watched by the grown ups!!
So once again he went all weird on me, put his sad saggy face on and looked miserable... I just ignored him.  I went upstairs to change the sheets on Tom's bed (he had a little accident last night!!).  A few minutes later he came up and he said 'are you trying to get away from me' and I simply said that no, I was ignoring him cause his attitude was nothing new and I was fed up with it and was not interested to why he was in that mood.  So I just ignore it and carry on with my little life!  I dont think he was impressed with that but to be honest, I could not care less.

He left the house to go and play squash and slammed the door which really annoyed me cause if someone had the right to slam doors at that point, it was ME!
So I rang him on his mobile and was gonna shout at him that slamming the door was not very clever.  But as his phone was ringing I suddenly thought 'No... Be clever... be more clever than that big lump'  So he picked up his phone and I said 'Hi, it's me.  Are you ok... Just wanted to say to try to enjoy your squash session.  Get it out of your system and enjoy it alright... Oh and in the future, you dont have to slam doors, it really is not nice'  and he said 'yeah sorry, I didnt mean to...thanks for calling'... AH who's clever now!!!!!
So I showed him that I was not the Ice Queen he seems to think I am.  I have a heart and I can be clever and make effort to fix things too.
I wonder why I bothered though cause when he came back that night, he started organising for me and him to have snowboard lessons on artificial snow somewhere around where we live.  I really wish he hadn't bothered cause with the cold outside, the last thing I want to do after a day at work is driving 45 minutes for 90 minutes lesson.  So I was not really enthousiastic about it and he had a go at me telling me that maybe he should cancel the whole holiday.
Anyway... I told him I was tired and went to bed.  He came up to give me a hug.  Then he tried to kiss me and it was so off putting.  I dont mind giving him a quick kiss on the lips but he was trying too hard and really trying to have one of those passionate kiss you see on old movies.  I just pulled away and went to bed.  He was not happy but hey... what can I do. Force myself??!
This morning, he had his sad saggy face on and tried to give me a hug again and that really started to give me the creeps.
He started saying that he didn't see the point in carrying on and that maybe he should cancel the holiday... and blah blah blah
Jee... I have had enough of all of this.  I told him to stop being an arse... I am really fed up with him for trying to push it and push it and making me look like I am the one not making any effort.
He's doing everything wrong and even though a lot of my friends and family tell me that with time it'll be alright, I am not sure at all about it!  I feel stuck in a situation I hate.
I hate myself for making this happen but I just cannot carry on like this.
I had a dream last night.  I was with someone else and it was so good.... I enjoyed every bit of that dream and when you wake up and see that it was just a dream and you are still stuck with a misery gut, it is kinda depressing.
I better go and do my hair, put my face on and go to work...!
Have a good day
Mey
-x-

Jan 25, 2006 at 18:09 o\clock

Slowly...but surely

by: mey2

Mood: OK

OK.  I have had a good day today.  I did loads at work and managed to really sort a few things out that have been hanging for ages.  So now I am pretty much up to date at work and that feels good!
I felt a little happier today.  I sent an email to my mum and told her about the counselling bit.  I also said that hubby had booked a holiday in Austria and that although I was looking forward to see the mountains and the snow, I was dreading being with him with no escape... no last minute 'I am going out to see Sarah' escuse to get out of the house.... I am hoping however that we'll be so knackered after skiing all day, we'll be in bed early!!  I am planning to spend as much time with the kids and play in the snow with them.  My mum replied that she was happy I was not making any harsh decision just yet and that I was taking my time.

I am worried that she thinks I will be all ok soon and that it was just a bad dream... But this morning, after he had his shower, he came in the room half naked and I just could not look at him.  Then he started talking and I thought 'I dont like his voice'.  Then I saw the back of his head and thought 'I hate his hair in the back of his head..all little and curly'.... If I ever feel in love with him again it will take a long long time.... and that is a IF... not a WHEN. 
I personally can't see it coming.  But as everybody around me say... You never know!

I am going out on Saturday for Sarah's birthday and I know I should be looking forward to it.  My friend Sam just came for a cup of tea earlier and told me she could not go cause her dad had a car crash and she was going to Cardiff on Friday.  Which means that her hubby...My hubby's best friend, is going too.  And I was hoping that the two of them would spend Saturday night together so I would be free of nagging texts on my phone asking me where I was or who I was with!!
So now, I am going out hoping he will behave and leave me the hell alone.  Otherwise I will tell him that...errrr... I will take the opportunity of him being an arse once again and make out with some strangers on the dance floor as a revenge scheme...LOL.  That should shut his mouth!!!

No... I really hope he will not nag me that night cause I really want to let my hair down and enjoy it to the fulll.  I need it!!!

Better cook the kids dinner.  It looks like they haven't been fed for days according to their whining!!

Mey
-x-

Jan 24, 2006 at 19:01 o\clock

This is how it went

by: mey2

Today me and Hubby went to see the marriage counsellor and it felt all really weird.

I know I was happy to go at first but when it came to the crunch I felt like running away!  We were asked to a room which was really small but comfy enough.  There was three chairs there and I chose the one on the left of the counsellor.... She first started asking questions about us, like our age and job etc.  Then she asked why we came.  I could not bring myself to start talking which is quite unusual for me cause I am always talking first....and last!!
So Hubby started by saying that we had trouble in our relationship that the fun had gone and that my love for him had gone too.
From then on it was an exchange of questions, statements and answers between the three of us.  The lady was really good.
She asked me a question and I answered and while I was answering she was looking at Hubby...obviolusly to see what his reaction was.  I could see she was looking at our body language and how we were reacting when one of us was making a negative statement about the other.  I felt that Hubby was exagerating a lot about a few things he was saying about me.
When I said that his jealousy and insecurity had destroyed the love and respect I had for him he said that surely there was more.  He said to the counsellor that I had told him I didnt fancy him anymore, that I said he was fat and that he needed plastic surgery when what really happened is that he asked me if he needed to loose weight, I said not really, maybe a little and when he suggested plastic surgery because he has been talking about it for so long, I told him that if that's what he really wanted, then why not.  I actually think that he hates the way he looks so much, plastic surgery might boost his confidence.  Anyway, he made me look like I was a right bitch. 
But I managed to wriggle out of it.  At one point he was talking about next Saturday night (Sarah's birthday celebration, Big Girl's Night out!) and the fact that he was ok with me going...but he forgot to mention how awful he'd been about it a few weeks ago.  And I said 'Dont you remember what you said' and he said 'no' and I said 'Shall I remind you then!' and I did and the counsellor said to him 'why do you think you need to act this way then'.  He could not answer that.  He simply said that it was something it could not help.  It must be horrible to be jealous like that.  I can't imagine being eaten inside by horrible feelings!
Apparently he is going to see someone about his jealousy on Thursday.  Another counsellor that was recommended to him by a friend. I didnt even know about it.  He only told me today.  So hopefully that will help....somehow!

It has been ok at home though.  We are talking more which is good.  My feelings for him have not changed and I think it will take a long time for them to change...if they change!!
Now I came home today and he told me he'd booked a holiday for the last week of February.  We're off to Austria on a ski holiday.  I didnt think he would do it but he did!  So now I have to sort a lot of things out for the hols.  I am kinda excited about it cause the kids have never been on a ski holiday before.  But I am dreading being just with him not being able to contact my friends... Can you imagine... in the middle of moutains, with Austrian people, and trapped with him... I will really have to try to make the most of it.

I feel tired now...  I probably will go to bed early tonight!  What a bore I am LOL!

Teri... Thank you for your lovely email.  You've helped
Mey
-x-

Jan 23, 2006 at 09:20 o\clock

Not too sure what to say!

by: mey2

Mood: OK

I have had a rather nice weekend.  Me and Hubby have been ok after the talk we had on Saturday night.
He seems to understand where I am coming from which is a huge step from last Tuesday.  We had lunch in a small restaurant near our house on Sunday and it was ok.... he tends to still ask me annoying questions like: who you're looking at or what are you thinking?  But we have now an agreement that when I dont like something, instead of getting frustrated, I just tell him: Now I dont like this, can you stop please.  And he agrees and stops.  So far so good.  We'll see how long this last!  I do look forward to going to see the counsellor tomorrow.  I think it will help even more.

Strangely enough we have yesterday searched the net for a Easter Holiday all together and instead of the beach and the sun, I suggested Switzerland Chalet in the mountains with snow.  I thought if we need to make this work, then I should voice that beach holidays is not really my thing all the time.  I like them but not everytime we go on holiday!
He was fine about it especially when I found some really nice chalets at a reasonable price!  So we'll see how this go too.

My feelings for him are still the same.  I care a lot for him but I am not in love with him.  And he knows that which is good.  We have come a long way since last week.  We are now talking and understanding each other.  I am not sure where this will lead us but I think that we are clever enough to make it work whichever direction it will take and to make sure the children are not suffering.

OOooo I wish there was a magic wand I could use to make things all better.

Anyway....

Today is Sarah's Birthday (she's 30!!!) and after picking up the kids from school, we (Sarah, Donna and Me) taking them to an ice rink and then to a pizza.  She wanted to celebrate it with her son and she thought all together will be great and I think it's a good idea.
On Saturday we will celebrate properly.  No kids...just girls!  We'll go out to pubs and clubs.  16 of us are going.  That should be a rather mad night and I am prepared to have a bad headache on the Sunday morning LOL.

Right...I better get ready for work.  Got to put my face on!
Have a great week
Mey
-x-

Jan 22, 2006 at 11:38 o\clock

Up and down.... Up and down...

by: mey2

Mood: Good
Listening to: Extreme MakeOver Home Edition on Tele

I came home after shopping yesterday and felt happy cause I managed to get Sarah some really nice presents for her birthday and I knew she would like them.  I got her a realy nice black Bench jumper, and really good book (she loves reading) and the DVD of Steel Magnolia which is a film I love with Shirlley McLain, Julia Robert and Sally Field.  If you haven't seen that film, get it.  You'll love it!
Anyway I came home and Hubby was there, moody as ever.  He tried to talk to me and I kept saying that I wanted to wait till we'd see the counsellor.
I really felt sad cause he is begging me to reconsider and tells me that he will change.
He told me that 2006 for him had started really well and he felt really positive about it all and then I dropped the bombshell on him and now he felt helpless.  I must admit, I have never seen him like this.  We have had our arguments in the past but this is really serious.

He then asked me how we would split the house and who would get the kids etc etc...  I havent thought that far yet... not properly anyway.  I realised that although I told him he could keep the children as long as I could see them everyday (I thought I cannot possibly take everything from him!!).  I knew that if we did this, it would be a temporary option but I felt that with this option maybe the children would not feel too disrupted if they stayed in the house.... Who am I kidding.  They will be all over the place poor things.  I love them so much I hate myself for doing this!!

Anyway, I was not looking forward to an evening with him so I asked him if he minded if I went to Sarah's for the evening.  He said no...he actually said that it might be best if we didn't spend the evening together cause we are going in circles with our discussions!

I went upstairs to get ready and he came too.  And once again he started asking questions about what will happen and asking me if I would change my mind.  Then I went mad... I was so tired of the same questions so I simple told (I was shouting a bit!) him that it was wrong of him to expect me to be unhappy for his sake.  I can't exactly remember what I told him.  It was in the heat of the moment and it was coming out of my mouth!  Amazingly he thanked me for being honest with him and for telling exactly what was what.

When I left, he didnt give me grief, or ask me what time I was coming back ... nothing like that.  He simply said have a good time....how refreshing!!!
I arrived at Sarah's and Donna was there which was great cause we always have a great time when it's the three of us!

I broke my new year resolutions and drank wine and smoked cigarettes and ate chocolate...it was a proper girls night in, with music, laughs and simply having a good time.  I called Hubby after a while and asked if he was ok.  He said he was and I said that if we both worked at it really hard we may be able to salvage something.  He was glad I said that and I felt for the first since that whole thing started we were at last getting somewhere.
If he starts acting like an adult and not like a possessive hubby, it'll make things much easier.

This morning he let me sleep which was nice.... I had a bit of a hangover...which was nice in a weird way.  I really enjoyed the few glasses of wine I had.  It really chilled me down and I needed to relax!
We had a good morning.  He was fine with me and so was I.  The kids were lovely and I know that if I am to make things work as best as I can.... I'll do it for them.
However, for them to be happy, I need to be happy too.  I am not saying everything is honkey dorey....but I'll work at it as hard as I can to make things as easy as possible!
Have a good sunday
Mey
-x-

Jan 21, 2006 at 11:27 o\clock

Rollercoaster!

by: mey2

Mood: Tired
Listening to: Nick Junior on tele

After Sarah left last night, I got a phone call from Hubby who was in the pub with his friends.  He asked me to come along too earlier cause my friend Sam was there too but I said no cause I was not in the pub mood.  I was actualy surprised that he was!!
I fed the kids and asked them to put their PJs on.  I only ate their leftovers of Spaghettis and sausages... I was not too hungry!
When he finally came back home, just before 9pm, he stank of booze and fags.... I really hate that smell!
I was kinda quiet and was watching American Idol...(it started last night and I love the auditions...!).  He kept asking me if I was ok.  He kept asking me if I had any thoughts, if I made any decision, if I changed my mind...etc!
And I said no no no.  After a while he said that he felt better about the whole thing.  He said 'Iam closer now to actually let you go'  I was very surprised.  He told me that he had spoken to his mate Simon and that his friend managed to show him what he was doing wrong.  He said that he understood me and that he was not gonna stand in the way.  He said that he was ok with it all, that he realised that we were not made for each other and that in the future maybe he will find someone and he will be ok when I do.... I mean I didn't even think that far!!  So I was kinda surprised!!  Such a turn around in just a few hours!  I thought Great....That should ease things.
After an hour of him talking telling me that he had changed and that he will change more and me listening and agreeing with what he was saying, I said I was gonna go to bed.  He decided to stay up a little longer.  I was not tired, so I went up and read my book (A million little pieces by James Frey).  That discussion got me thinking though and I was in a turmoil inside.  Was I doing the right thing?  He showed me how mature and normal he could be with such a hard situation.  I thought about what I would leave behind if I went and was really doubting my actions....

After a while hubby came to bed.  I was still reading but I could see that he was staring at me.  I looked at him and he smiled...then he got closer and he said...'How about some fun... no strings atached!!'  I could not believe it.  I thought what the hell is he thinking.  I mean he is describing it as fun while it was a chore for me for years!  When i said no, he said 'oh come on... I know you will enjoy it'...honestly I could not believe my ears.  I must have said No about 20 times and in the end I just put my book in between us and tried to read... He insisted again and I just firmly said 'NO..GO TO SLEEP!'  He looked annoyed.  He actually decided that he was not tired after all and went back downstairs. (Typical jerk action)  Not long after that I turned the light off and went to dreamland.
Then at 2.30am he shook me and I thought something had happened.  I sat up and asked what was the matter.  And he said 'I cant believe you are asleep.  I cant sleep...and you are fast asleep!!   I've just benn out. Didn't you hear the door.  I went for a walk... didn't you notice??!!  Why are you so cold about it...why dont you care how I feel.  Do you hate me that much...'  I was like half asleep, confused and he was bombarding me with non sense questions.  When I am asleep (and I am a heavy sleeper) I hate being disturbed..no matter what is happening (of course if the kids were sick I would wake up).  SO I hit the pillow again and asked him to leave me alone.  And he laid into me even more, called me the Ice Queen.... and that is not the first time he calls me that.  I am starting to get really annoyed with that little new nickname!  After ages of him ranting at me and proding me so I'd wake up again...he said : I bet you wish I was dead.  You'd love it if I got run over by a car. You probably would think Ah great.. that should make things easier.
At that point I could have strangled him myself and not wait for the car to run him over!!  I sat up and said to him.... 'well... well done Hubby.  You have managed to change for a total of a few hours.  That is just great!!!'  I told him that he promised changes in the new year and that so far he did nothing.  He was still smoking, drinking and acting like a jerk.  I told him that his attitude was only reinforcing my decision to leave.  I was so annoyed with him, I felt like getting up, pack a bag and go....but as I said earlier.  I was tucked in bed and could not bring myself to leave the comfiness of it!!
I asked him to turn the light off and go to sleep cause he was really not helping himself.  Amazingly he did.  But I was wide awake by then and I have not managed to sleep well at all after that.

This morning, the kids woke up.  He tried to come closer to me but I quickly gathered enough quilt between us so he knew what to expect.  He didn't insist and turned his back on me.
20 minutes later he came closer again, kissed my back and said he was sorry.  Now where have I heard that one before!!!!  I told him that he really should take a long hard look at himself. 
I hated his touch on me.  I hated him being so close to me and wanted him to just leave the bed.  I felt clostrophobic with his arm around my waist.  I could not breath properly.
When he finally left, I felt a sense of deep relief.  My doubts from the night before had vanished.  I am now determined that I definately made the right decision.  On Tuesday we are going to see a marriage counsellor.  I hope this will help...both of us!

Today he is going to take the kids to see his granparents.  I have to go in town to get a present for Sarah's birthday for Monday.  That will be good for me to be by myself for a while.

He rang me this morning when he got to work and asked me if it was possible for us to have a nice weekend.  To not be angry at each other and take the kids somewhere nice on Sunday.  I agreed (relunctantly cause I really dont want to spend time with him and play happy families).  But we'll see.

Have a nice weekend
Mey
-x-

Jan 20, 2006 at 21:04 o\clock

Lazy day

by: mey2

Listening to: Eastenders

I have had such a lazy day today.  I managed to have a few laughs with a friend on the net... I needed to be cheered up!

I also managed to speak to Sarah earlier and she was so supportive.  SHe has gone trhough the same thing but her good for nothing boyfriend three months ago so she knows what it is like!!

Then I spoke to my friend Lulu in France and amazingly enough, she and Sarah said the same thing.

Staying will not arrange anything or solve anything.  If I want to leave then I should.  Not stay to try to make things better before I leave!!

We have an appointment with a marriage counsellor on Tuesday!  I hope this will help!!
Mey
-x-

Jan 20, 2006 at 10:43 o\clock

And now.... the mother in law is involved :o(

by: mey2

It was only a matter of time before the mother in law (MIL) would come round and have a little chat with me.  Hubby told me yesterday afternoon that he had to tell his parents as his mood at work was less than happy and they would ask questions anyway.
Parents is law are off to Thailand today for 2 weeks so last night they wanted to come and say goodbye to the children.  They always do that when they go somewhere.
And of course I knew MIL would ask questions.  Hubby had gone to play squash...thanks a lot for leaving me with the dragon by myself!!!!  I told hubby that I would simply tell her that I didn't want to talk about it.  I know how to handle her and she knows not to go to far with me....
So anyway they arrived and I said hi and I was not gonna ask them if they wanted a drink cause I wanted them out sooner rather than later.  They both went upstairs to see the kids and I stayed downstairs watching tele....or at least staring at the screen!
Then it took just about 5 minutes when MIL came downstairs, sat on the chair near me and said 'So... what is going on with you and Hubby then?'.  I sort of smiled and said I didn't really want to talk about it.  But I might as well have spoken to the wall behind me cause she didnt take any notice and carried on asking question.
She asked what I was feeling, and why I was doing what I was doing, and how long has it been going on, and why I was on anti-depressant and how long had I taken them.  She even asked me if I had been influenced by any of my friends (Well last time I checked I was able to make my own mind!!!)
I answered all the questions and she seemed surprised cause I think she realised it was a little more serious than just a tif.  She actually thought I was doing that out of spite against hubby!!!  And she said to be careful not to say anything hurtful just for the sake of it.... How cruel does she think I am and how shallow does she think I am...who does she think she is!!!!
Then she said that every marriage go through rough patches. 
And then it came.  She started talking about herself and how her life was never that rosey all the time but that you have to stick with it, and that there were times where you need to sacrifice part of your life to make others feel better and that when you get married it's for fucking life.... (she didn't say the F word... I put it there cause I am winding myself up as I am writing this).  Then she said that her and father in law would be devastated if me and hubby would split up .... Oh well I shall stay with him cause I dont want you two to be upset...SILLY COW!
Anyway, she managed to make me cry (My eyes are so sore and dry at the moment) and she came to sit next to me and hugged me and said they didnt want to loose me.
What the hell is this!!!   LOOSE ME.... I am not flipping DYING!!!
I told her that I knew I would hurt people and that I felt rotten about it but that right now, I did not know what was happening or what the future was going to be.  And I answered once again to THE question everybody seem to be asking me...Is there someone else?
Why does it have to involve anyone else.  Cant I just fall out of love with someone without being with someone else.  What a bunch of narrow minded little people!!!!
Then she said that we should go and see a counsellor.  All my friends have said to me that going to see a counsellor would be good for the both of us.  It will make us see what is wrong and may help hubby cope with it.  All my friends understand me and know that I am sure about the fact that I want to leave.  And what did MIL say 'You should go and see a cousellor because maybe what you are feeling is not right and they will help you see and realise what you have'  Stupid bitch.  Of course her son is sooooo good!!  I told her about the jealousy and the years of me having to put up with him and his paranoia.  And she said 'oh yeah but surely it's not just that'  Of course not Stupid MIL... cause you know my life so flipping well!!!!!
I was dying for them to leave my house.... I just wanted her to see that I wanted her to go.  I was screaming in my head for her to leave.  I was hoping she would hear me....
Then she stood up and said she was going to see the boys upstairs and I felt so relieved!!  I went in the kitchen and started dinner so I would be busy.  Hubby arrived (at last) and he came in the kitchen and asked if I was ok.  I told him his mum had been as good as she can get...and he knew that it meant bad!

They finally left and me and hubby had dinner.  And I said to him that for now I wished for him not to hug me or kiss me or ask me to be intimate with him.  I said that it would be best otherwise I would have to reject his advance all the time and it would make things worse.  He agreed but looked sad... and I said: it'll be ok....
I meant he will be fine and will cope!!  Not we'll get trhough this and have another baby!!!  (that is what his mother probably is hoping for...she is dying for a grandaughter!!  well...she can jump as far as I am concerned!!)

Yesterday at work Hubby called me about 7 times.  He really is doing the opposite of what he should do.  My friend Theresa was in the office with me in the afternoon and she realised how obsessive he was being.... and she felt sorry for me... although she didnt say it but she sort of made me understand it...LOL  She is so nice!!

I am seeing Sarah this afternoon.  I have not been able to talk to her properly yet about it all as she was working most of the week (12 hours shift).  Hubby called her last night.  God knows why but he said that she had to told him to chill and to stop being the way he is cause he is not making anything better.... Thank you Sarah....!!
This morning he asked me if I would be happy if he'd find someone else.  Naturally I said Yes... and he was hurt by my answer.  Sometimes I should think before I open my mouth cause I know that answer was not very nice.  But I am being honest and hopefully he will come round to the idea!!

Coffee time now and thank you everyone for your lovely messages, it really helps me!!
I have been called brave so much lately I dont know why.  I feel very selfish and rotten... but I also feel I have not choice!
Mey
-x-

Jan 19, 2006 at 09:40 o\clock

Last night

by: mey2

It's just getting harder and harder.

Last night we argued about the fact that I didn't come down to see him on the scene of the accident.  He was hurt that I didnt care at all and did not bother try to come and see him there.  He said he was almost in tears looking at the kid he knocked over laying on the road while a lot of other people were making sure the kid was ok.
I kept saying that his brother had told me not to come and that I went straight home thinking he would come there afterwards.  Telling him I was thinking of him when I went home and wanted him to know I would be here to support him through this horrible ordeal.
Anyway...it was a stupid argument, absolutely unecessary and pointless.

He was again very upset last night and came over to lay next to me afterwards.  I feel sad cause even if I am feeling crap for hurting him like this, when he comes over, I wish he just wouldn't!

About 9.30pm, I was falling asleep on the sofa.  So he said 'shall we go to bed...I am tired too'. So I went up, put my PJs on and went to bed.  He came closer to me (we have a queen size bed so there is plenty of space between us!!) and I thought he would just want to cuddle.  Then he said 'Shall we make love'.  I simply said No.  He got all frustrated again saying that suddenly I decided to stop it all and that I was very unfair... he was angry and I can't blame him.  However, I said 'Would you rather me to continue pretending?'.  He got up and started to rant about the fact that he was not gonna cope, that he could not breaht etc etc... he's done that before when he was in his jealousy mode!
I dont know why but I just could not bring myself to stop him feeling this way.  I was just wishing he would just go downstairs and leave me alone cause I was tired and wanted to sleep.
He did and I felt asleep.  Then he woke me up at about 12.30am telling me we had to sort this out.  He said there was no way we could not be together for ever.  He would not put up with this.
I was half asleep and told him that right now, it was not the time to sort anything out.  I asked him to just calmed down and try to get some sleep cause 12.30am was not a good time for a deep conversation.

He finally felt asleep and this morning...he apologised.  I wish he would change the record.  So many times he's done this.  Giving me shit in the middle of the night and in the morning say 'sorry'.
That really just reinforce my belief that me leaving him is the best for me.
He begged me this morning to reconcider.  He even said 'can't you stay with me even though you dont love me'.  Now that would be easy wouldn' it!!!  I told him that I'll do anything for the children.  I even suggested that I would sleep in the spare room from now on.  I told him that I am not looking for anyone else at the moment so I am really not interested to get a flat by myself and play the single life.  Maybe later but right now, I am concentrating on ME.  I know... it's all about ME ME ME... but I only have one life and as long as my children are ok, then ME will be important and my priority (after the kids...I want to emphasis that!!!  I am not the wicked mother who leave it all behind.  They are my life and I will never do anything to hurt them)
When hubby left this morning, he hugged me and try to kiss me and kissed my cheeck.  Only because I turned my head, not on purpose...it was a freak moment and he thought I was making yet another point.  So he hugged me even harder, kissed my lips and just sighed in despair!  I feel bad... but I am not backing down.
I will not pretend anymore. 
Mey
-x-

Jan 18, 2006 at 20:11 o\clock

Unbelievable!

by: mey2

Could this week get any worse?!

I had to go home early today cause Hubby had a car crash.  He is fine but a 17 year old kid smashed into his car on his motobike and had to be taken to hospital by ambulance.  Hubby was well shaken up and he had to go through police statement, breatheliser etc etc.
When he called me he was waiting for the ambulance as the accident had just happened and I was just at work.  He put the phone down and I was left at my desk wondering what the hell happened as it was a bit confusing.  I told my work mates about it and they both told me to go home but at first I said no. I needed to work to keep my mind of things.  I called Hubby's brother to see if he knew more and he told me that he was on his way there.  He told me not to come but to stay calm and he said he would call me as soon as he knew anything more.
So I was trying to concentrate at work and both my work mates told me to go home cause I was just useless in my state!
I drove home and waited.  My phone rang and it was Hubby's brother telling me that he was fine and the kid had been taken to hospital and that we'd know more later.  So I texted Hubby and said 'They've sent me home, call me x'

About 40 minutes later he called and he was quite cold with me.  I said to him I was hoping he would come home cause he obviously was in no state to work as he was in shock and after the last 2 days he certainly was in no fit state to think straight so he might as well come home and try to rest.  He dismissed my suggestion and said he was fine then hang up.  I guess I could not expect him to be all nice and lovely with me after what I am doing to him.

A couple of hours later I put my coat on to go to school and pick up Jack and as I was just walking down the road, Hubby turned up in his car (badly damaged on the side from the impact).  I asked him where he was going and he said he was coming home so I asked him if he wanted to come with me to pick up Jack and he said yes.
On the way to school as we were walking down he told me he was expecting me to come and see him on the scene of the accident.  He said he really needed me there.  So I explained that his brother had told me not to and that I went home thinking he would come home and that I wanted to be there for him.... I think that made him feel better.  So much so that he started asking if I would reconcider what has been happening in the last 2 days and I just shook my head... I told him he is just pushing it too much and that what is doing will not lead to anything but the opposite of what he wants.
I said that we will work at it and try to make things as easy as possible but he has got to stop being so insecure!!

Anyway.  He has been ok this afternoon.  Sitting next to me and wanting a hug then remembering that maybe he should not push it!!! 
It really breaks my heart to do this to him but I am not prepared to pretend any longer.
God knows what the future holds... we just have to take one day at the time and see.
Just wanted to thank you all for your great messages of support.  Means a lot to me. Thank you.
Mey
-x-

Jan 18, 2006 at 09:40 o\clock

The crying has stopped....for now

by: mey2

What a horrible evening I had last night.
I admitted to him that I have been questioning my feelings for him for the past 5 years.  He was in shock.  He kept saying 'I can't believe this is happening to us...I hope I am gonna wake up and it'll be a nightmare'  He cried and I cried and I felt so bad about the whole thing.  But I could not bring myself to say 'Ok..let's forget about it...it'll be ok!!'.  Deep down, I know there is little chance for me to love him again...like I used to when I first met him.

We met when I was 19 and I just arrived in the UK as an aupair.  When we started going out together, he was still in a relationship with someone (They'd been together over 8 years).  I was smittened with him.  I thought about him night and day and was sure he was the man of my life.  The first year of our relationship was tough as he had to break up with his then girlfriend.  But once we were living together I was the happiest in the world. 
I am not saying it was bliss all the time cause we had still some hard patches ahead of us, but I was happy.
Then his jealousy started kicking in and from then on it went from bad to worse.  I think after a few years of being untrusted despite doing everything right, you tend to loose a little respect for the person... and then love dies down little by little.

This morning he said to me 'Do you realise we'll never make love again....ever'  Yes I do realise that and it's kinda ok for me cause I have time to get used to the idea...
He is struggling badly with the whole thing and he was about to not go to work this morning etc. 
I said to him that if he wanted to make things better he was going at it the wrong way.  I told him to take one step at the time and asked him not to push it... he keeps asking questions I dont have the answer to.  If he tells me 'I love you' and expects it back...but I just keep quiet and that kills him!

I am prepared to make an effort for the sake of the children and try to make things work to a degree.  I said to him, I am not promising anything but we have to try to make this situation as easy as possible.

He kept asking me if I felt positive about it.... and I told him he will have to be patient.  I said that he had to really pull himself together.  I so understand what he is going through.  I am destroying his world and he just cannot cope with it.  But as I said before.  I cannot pretend anymore and I only have one life.  Maybe I am being selfish but I think that at the end of the day, I have to do things for me too.  My mother waited 30 years before she left my dad, a man she never really loved.  I won't make that same mistake.  And she said she agreed with me.  She told me that if I did not love him, and knew exactly what I wanted, then why wait.

This morning I looked through Hubby's mobile phone cause I knew he texted his best mate last night and I wanted to know what had been said.  I read that he was kinda happy I got it off my chest after 5 years.  But he also wrote that he felt really scared by the whole thing.
I feel for him...I really do... but what else can I do??

Have a good day
Mey
-x- 

Jan 17, 2006 at 18:35 o\clock

Red Eyes... raw with pain

by: mey2

I have been crying so much today.  I arrived at school to drop Jack and Donna was there and she looked at me and first thing she said was 'Wassrong babe' and I just told her and she said it was gonna be harder now but in the end it will sort itself out... didn't stop me from crying in the playground trying to hide my face in my coat.  Donna has been there too but she was on the receiver end... it's quite different for me but as painful I think!
I jumped into my car and drove to work.  I was crying in my car...it was just pouring out of my eyes and I could not stop it but I did not want to go home... that would have been just horrid to stay home.  I arrived at work and started to make sure I was being composed and was gonna be ok.  But as soon as my colleague saw me, she said 'Wassrong??!!' and I burst out crying again.  So for 45 minutes she took me in her office and talked to me which was great cause she made me realise that I was not the bad guy....there is no bad guy... things like that happen and it will eventually sort itself out!  She convinced me to go and see a marriage counsellor with Hubby.  He suggested it to me earlier but I dismissed it.  Now I was agreeing to see someone so at least that is something.

I called Hubby to tell him I agreed to seing a counsellor and the first he asked was if I had told anyone about the situation.  That is all he cared about...what others think!  I actually needed to speak to someone...the more people the better.  That is how I cope!  Anyway...lunch passed and I was so desperately trying to concentrate at work... I had a few emails from friends and some cheered me up, others advised me so I kept busy replying to them.
Then I had to go to another office to pick up an old patient's file and while I was in the other office there was a knock on the door which was unusual cause the office is empty most of the time.  It was Hubby!!!!  He came in and he said 'right...I really need for you to be honest with me and tell me honestly if there is someone else in your life and that is why you want to leave'  And again I said there was not.  It would be so much easier I think if there was... at least I have a "real" reason to do what I am doing!!  But no such thing for me.  I am not looking for anything.  I want to really find myself again.   So Hubby's visit was a horrible moment.  He was asking questions about how I felt and what I thought of him and I was telling him to leave it... to just not push it and take one step at the time but he wouldn't.  In the end I told him I was tired of his obsessive jealousy, I wanted a man who was strong, full of confidence and not weak and I also said I didnt love him the way I should....he left in a big strop and I was left in the office.... crying again!!!
I came back upstairs and my other colleague told me that my mobile phone had been ringing.... it was him.  So I rang him and he again lost it and I even think that in his panic, he cried a bit but I am not sure... that made me feel shit like you'd never believe!!
I again told him that we should wait till we see the counsellor.  I told him no decision was made yet so there was no reason for him to panic and he replied 'my wife just told me she didnt love me anymore so I think I have the right to feel like that' (he used the F word a lot in that sentence but I spared you!).  He put the phone down, I went back to my desk and the manager of the paediatric team saw me... she said 'you ok?' and of course I burst out crying again... she left me alone saying she would be there for me if I needed to talk and then Claire, another colleague walked in and straight away pulled up a chair and started asking the question and she talk to me for a good 30 minutes.  She went throught a nervous breakdown last year and still is recovering but she had some great words for me.  I have been really well looked after at work today....but I know Hubby hasn't.  And now I am dreading him coming home cause he's gonna either want to talk and push more, or be moody, or be really sad.... I really can't cope at all with all of this....
I know! I've started it all and now I have to get on with it and make sure the best solution is to be found....
I have spoken to my mum with skype and understandingbly she asked me if there was someone else...and ask me to be really honest with her...again I told her No and then she asked that if maybe I was the one responsible for him being so jealous ... I was quite disappointed cause I really thought she was gonna support me 100%.  She didn't..only just about 75% which to me is a disappointment... but maybe I want too much!!!
Anyway, she said that I needed to really think about what I am doing before making any drastic decision.... I have been thinking about my lack of feelings for Hubby for a few years now.  So I shall concentrate on how I will cope without him.. cause I know that is what is coming!
Thanks Mist, Pia and Teri for your lovely comments.  Means a lot!
Mey
-x-

Jan 17, 2006 at 09:37 o\clock

Out in the open now

by: mey2

OK... My eyes are red raw from all the crying!
Last night we had yet another fight and I ended up shutting up cause I knew I was gonna say something I'd regret.
We didnt speak to each other after the kids went to bed.  At 9.30 I said I was off to bed cause I was tired and he asked if I wanted to talk to him....well duh...No  I said I was going to bed!!!

This morning I woke up at 4am.  And I stated thinking about all sort of things.  I am so confused inside my own head it's scary even for me...and I am not usually scared of anything...well... apart from spiders but I truly believe these things were put on earth to push people's adrenaline up!!
Anyway, at 6 I decided I could not stay in bed anymore so I got up and hit the shower, washed my hair etc... He got up and asked why I was up so early and I simply said I could not sleep anymore.  He asked if I was alright and I just said Yes...  such a liar ME!

When he was done with his shower, he came in the bedroom and asked how I felt.  And I said I didn't know.  He asked me all sorts of questions and asked what was going to happen to us.  And I said I didn't know.  He asked if I wanted to be with him still and I said...I dont know.
Then from there, it went from bad to worse.  He asked me all sort of questions about how I felt and what I was planning to do to which I had no answer.  I kept telling him that I was not sure what I felt for him anymore, and that I didnt want to hurt him, and that I was trying to figure out what I wanted... basically I kept saying I dont know to a lot of things and he was pushing and pushing to tell him more.  He asked me to be honest with him that I at least owed him that.  So I thought to myself than yes... I owed him that.  And there I said it: I dont think I love you anymore.  And as much as it hits him, it hits me too.  I finally said that thing I have been thinking about for the last few months.  I felt relieved for a brief moment.  But then I felt really scared cause I realised that there was no turning back.
He asked me if there was someone else and I said no there wasn't.  But you know what,.... I wish there was someone else in my life so at least it would make it easier for me.  I'll have a good reason to leave.  Although for me, not loving someone anymore is a good reason to leave.  I didn't do this on purpose.  I didn't fall out of love with him on purpose.  It was not in my plans.  I didn't see my life turning out this way.  I was planning a life with two people who love each other for ever and grow old together.  I was hoping that would happen to me too but I have realised for a while now that he is not the man I was to grow old with. 

I have to go to work now.  So I'll carry on writing later.
Have a good day
Mey
-x-

Jan 16, 2006 at 18:29 o\clock

Not good

by: mey2

Listening to: MTV

I have just been crying.  I was driving my car after picking up my son from nursery, music was on and maybe it was because of the word I was listening.  The song was called Cosy Prison and the end lyrics goes: So if you're careful, You won't get hurt, But if your careful all the time, Then what's it worth?  Which to me meant... Should I stay and put up with it, or go and start again!
I was so surprised at myself... I never usually cry when I listen to music even if it touches me!!!  But I guess I am at the end of my tether at the moment.
I have had a huge argument with hubby earlier because I told him I was going out with Sarah and Donna for Sarah's 30th in a couple of weeks and he flipped.  He said that he wished I was not going cause he knew I was gonna flirt and dance with blokes and that I was out of control when I was drinking etc etc.... Jee  He really annoys me so much!  He thinks I am always up to no good when I am out but I really aren't.  At the end of the day I always go home...in his bed!!!!
He is gonna come home now and he is gonna be all weird on me again.  I am so sick of it...
I have had a chat with a friend about it and he had wise words for me and said I should wait till we are calm and not annoyed with each other, then I should really talk to him and sort it out or make a decision.  (if you are reading this Neilo... I really appreciated it.  I am actually surprised how wise you are LOL).   So I am gonna keep cool tonight although it'll be hard. 
I can tell you what is gonna happen.  We'll shout and I'll cry and with a bit of luck I will take my car and drive far far away... but since my luck is not here at the moment, I probably go upstairs in my bedroom and have a good cry and since my luck is gone for a while he will come upstairs too and annoy me even more. 
I am gonna call Sarah and talk to her..
Bye for now
Mey
-x-

Jan 16, 2006 at 09:25 o\clock

Another Rant!

by: mey2

Mood: I am fine!!

I dont mean to moan all the time but when you are married to the guy I married, you have little else to do!
This morning as I was showering, hubby came in the bathroom to put gel in his hair (otherwise it's all fluffy and he looks like a right dork).  Anyway, he started talking to me about condoms.  He said that he thought they may not be lubricated enough and that is why it hurts me at times.... So I said to him 'well you know what the solution is dont you...SNIP'.  I have stopped my pill a year and a half ago cause it made me go doolalee and I told hubby at the time that after 12 years of me being responsible for contraception, it was his turn!  So either he would have the snip (also known as vasectomy) or he would use condom which to me was great cause it meant being clean....if you know what I mean...and sorry for the details!!!
I have taken the pill again last month to try to regulate Aunty Flo (a.k.a period).  So anyway, this morning he said to me... 'Well since you're on the pill again, I dont need to wear condoms'.  To which I replies 'Well hell no!  I dont take the pill for your benefit mate, it is for my body to get some order... so carry on with your business and leave me with mine!'  And he asked me why I would ask him to wear a condom when there is no danger of me getting pregnant cause I am back on the pill.  And I said 'You know what to do if you want to stop wearing a condom, go to the hospital and have the snip, I was the one responible for contraception in this marriage for 12 years, now it's your turn.... It's a matter of principle!' and he got angry and said 'That is bullshit, how can you say it's a matter of principle... how selfish can you get'.... No no... you read right.  He called me selfish!!!  ME!!!!!  ME who took the pill and went crazy every month for 12 years, and HE who has been wearing condom for just over a year... HE CALLED ME SELFISH!!!!  The nerve of that guy!  Before he left the bathroom he said... 'You know I dont enjoy it as much with a condom, so why would you do this' and he left!

I was stunned...soap all over I shouted (he was then downstairs and may have not heard me) 'How dare you call me selfish when I took the pill for 12 years and you only managed condom for 1, and you dont enjoy it as much!!??  WELL JOIN THE CLUB!!!!!!!!!'  I am not sure if he heard... I hope he did!

Sex is such a chore and he wants it all the time... I dont even get paid for it... LOL... that would make me something else!!  But to be honest, I think that when you are married and hubby asks for sex all the time, surely you should get a wage!!!   

Anyway, we were ok in the end... Yesterday I went out to buy myself a new purse cause my old one was broken and I ended up buying...a purse and three pairs of trousers!!! (2 jeans and 1 cord).
He obviously does not know about it cause we dont have any money at the moment and I was asked to stop spending... but I really needed these and because of Aunty Flo, I needed to cheer myself up!  So I bought them, and hid them in the house.  I am wearing a pair of new jeans this morning and he didn't even notice they were new... Mahahahahah!

It's raining today but apparently it should be better later.... let's hope so!
Have a lovely week everyone.... Monday is the worst day of the week but cheer up!!  Only 5 days to the weekend
Mey
-x-

Jan 15, 2006 at 13:19 o\clock

A few decisions

by: mey2

Mood: fed up
Listening to: Sky News

OK.  I woke up this morning thinking of all of you guys...awwww... aren't I just the nicest!! LOL...

I thought I need to make a few changes in here.  So I am gonna delete my other blog which I never really use.  This way, I keep it all tidy!  and also I will make sure that I'll write more on here even if it is just to say HI!!
I also thought that if any of you who cannot create nice banner for your blog (I am not saying I am great at itbut...) please do not hesitate to ask me to create a banner for your blog.  You can choose anything you want, picture, colour, style and I'll try to match it for you!!... and all for free LOL

I wanted this morning to come down while hubby was still asleep and start writing but nowadays, he does it all the time, he sees me going out of the bedroom and he has to follow...like a dog!  Can't he just leave me alone and go back to sleep!!
Now he said this morning that I had been in a really bad mood over the weekend and he didn't know what he had done wrong.  I told him nothing and just put it down to the time when Auntie Flo is visiting (I got that right didn't I Shell and Teri !) For those who dont understand, it is the time of the month.... you know the one...
I said to him that I felt angry but could not control it and told him to stay clear when that happens.  That is the best he can do.  And he said that he could not understand the fact that my moods and actions were beyond my control  THE CHEECK!!!!  I told him he was doing the same to me all the time with his stupid paranoia and you'll never guess what he replied to me.... no really... it is just UNBELIEVABLE!  He said: Yes but I have a good reason!!!!

Can you flipping believe that jerk!!!! 

Hang on... it is not finished... no no really... that is gonna make you laugh!!  He said:I dont like you when you are like this and I even thought that maybe we need to separate for a little while

JOIN THE FLIPPING CLUB YOU MORRON!!!!!!

Now he knows exactly how I feel.  He has just realise this.  I have been really down lately and maybe I put it down to Auntie flo all the time well in fact it may well be about me being so unhappy with that big fat chimp.  He said to me after New Year's day that he will not have a drink for the whole month and he will take up the gym... he said I will change, 'I promise!' he said.  Well did he not have a drink at all this month...Nooooo and did he join the gym...Noooooo   He went to play Squash once... Well done fatso... do you want a medal for that??!!!!!

When I told him he promised he would not drink for a whole month but did not keep that promise, his escuse was that he was in a pub with his mates... so he could not not drink.  Well I was in a the same pub with the same friends and drank limonade!  So it is flaming possible!!!

Now the worst about all of this is that if I complain about it, he will tell me that whatever he does, is just not good enough for me.  But the problem he doesn't seem to see is that he does nothing right...and he promises things he never keeps.  So I think I have the right to be just a little annoyed...dont' you think!!!

I was feeling a tat better about the whole situation this week.  But now I dont anymore.  I am too lazy to do anything yet about it.  Or maybe I just wait for him to do something... and he is so weak in making decision, it looks like I will be waiting for a while!!

Have a nice sunday!
Mey
-x-

Jan 13, 2006 at 12:51 o\clock

Are you supersticious!!

by: mey2

Mood: OK
Listening to: MTV Hits

OK... Today is Friday 13th and to be honest with you, it's been pretty good to me so far!!  I saw A-ha on tele (remember...the best band in the whole wide world!) and I also managed to go on a chat live with one of the band mate, Magne.  He answered one of my question and I was like...so excited!  God I am such a teenager! 

Being Friday 13th I was wondering:  are you supersticious?  I know I am in a lot of ways.  I will never EVER walk under a ladder.  In France, seeing a spider in the morning is bad luck and if you kill it, the bad luck will die with it so I usually kiil the spiders in the morning and at night, I ask hubby to take them outside (sorry to all spider lovers!!).  I collect small elephants with their trunk up and I always make sure they are facing a door...that again is bad luck if they dont.  If I am driving and see a black cat walking accross the road, I will turn back (that is a bit extreme but I really dont want to risk it!!).  But dont worry... I take pills for it..LOL  I am getting sorted and hopefully by end of the year I wont be as crazy!

I made Noddy cakes with Tom this morning and my friend Sarah is popping in later for a cup of coffee which will be nice.

I have also emailed my mum about my situation and hubby and told her.... I am doing nothing right now.  I let it go and see where it'll take me.  I have a family to concider and right now, I cannot deal with making any changes at all.  Me and hubby are getting along ok despite that he has been acting like such a proper idiot lately.  It's like that... he thinks he is so funny with his snarky comments or macho attitude when he is watching people on tele...people with problems for example.  There was this woman on tele who had lost an enormous amount of weight and was trying to tone her body but unfortunetaly her skin was not following, so she had excess of skin on her tummy and bottom.  It did not look nice at all  but I kinda felt sorry for her cause she had made such an effort to loose the weight and was still struggling with her body!  So anyway, she got a nice make over (not as extreme as the ones we can see done in America) and she looked like 100% better.
But Hubby was making horrid comment about the way she looked before not concidering that that woman had feelings too.... I know she could not hear him what he was saying but being a woman myself, I felt like I needed to take her defence.  And he keeps doing that... and he can't understand why I get so frustrated about it.  If he was with his mates I wouldn't care cause men are stupid and when they are together you might as well leave them being stupid and get it out of their system.  But when he is with me, I expect a little respect if you know what I mean.  OK... maybe it is because it is the 'time of the month' and I am being less than reasonable... but he just irritates me

I could do the same as he does and make stupid comments about all the pratts I see on tele talking about cars or football.  But that would mean going down to his level... and I am far better than that!

OK... I have another example.  This morning as I said earlier, A-ha was on tele being interviewed and I really wanted to listen to them and he was sitting next to me.  He managed to keep quiet for the whole interview which is quite an achievement for him cause he cannot help talk throughout a film or other programme we watch... and his comments are not even intelligent.  He really talk to say stupid things all the time.  Anyway, the interview finished and I got up to go and have a shower and he said: so how do you feel about them now you can see they are really thick!  I just told him he was being really mean and he laughed telling me I was being childish.  SO I told him to buzz off and he thought I was joking.  He just said I was over reacting.  And maybe I was but he knows how I feel about them and still he could not help make a nasty comment instead of shutting his big gob.  He just called me on the phone 5 minutes ago and asked how I was...asked if I was still mad at him and I told him he was out of order... he still doesnt get it.  It's about a comment he made about A-ha... I could not care less about what he think of the band cause his opinion means less than nothing to me.  It's about the lack of respect he's got for me that matters.... but if I say that to him, he will laugh at me and tell me...yet once again... I am over reacting!He really makes me so mad !

Anyway.... weather here is grey and cold.  That pixie weather lady got it wrong!!!  So I am staying home today... that suits me fine!

Have a great Friday 13th!!!  (which looks like is gonna turn sour towards the end of the day if that jerk annoys me more!)
Mey
-x-

Jan 12, 2006 at 11:25 o\clock

I am such a coward

by: mey2

Mood: kinda sad
Listening to: Some crap show on tele

I have not called or emailed my brother since his Tuesday night's call.  I have not contacted my sister again as she has not replied to my email, and I have not called my father to see how he was.

I dont want to cause I know I am only gonna get more upset with whatever they will tell me.  I can only talk to my mother but there again, she knows about my problems with Hubby and, although she supports me and advises me 100% I dont want to have to talk about it today.

So I am not at work cause my tummy and back are killing me (women's trouble...you know what I am talking about).  After dropping Jack to school, I have done some food shopping quickly so I wont have to go out again.  I bought some beautiful white tulips... I am glad they are back.  I love the tulip season!!
So I am home and I thought I could contact either my brother, sister, dad or mum.  But I am like... can't be bothered cause can't talk to any of them cause whatever we'll talk about it's not gonna be nice.  In other word, I am doing ok despite my tummy and I dont want anyone's trouble to bother my day.
How selfish am I!!!

I guess the good thing about this is that I am admitting I am being selfish.  I feel bad about it so I am kinda being punished which in a way makes me feel better about it... Jee... I can talk shite sometimes!!

Let's forget about that.
Last night I watched the two last episodes of LOST (first serie) and it was amazing.  I mean it actually did not tell us much about the island and the whole mystery thing.  It actually added to it and left us in limbo... but only until Spring.  Second serie is starting and I can't wait.

I need a coffee.  So I am gonna make one.
Have a nice Thursday
Mey
-x-