Mey's Journal

Jul 6, 2006 at 15:15 o\clock

Update

by: mey2

 

I am just updating you on where to find my new blog
(not so new now cause I have been on it for months!)

Please find it HERE

No password necessary.  Just jump right in!!

See you there

Mar 11, 2006 at 10:31 o\clock

I am old today

by: mey2

WOW... I got an email from Blogigo Team telling me I am now on their premium status.  Meaning... no ugly ad banner at the top of my blog and lots and lots of space for photos and stuff.  And that is a birthday present from them to me.... How nice!!!!

Shame I am not posting here anymore....

Remember.... My new blog is HERE and the password will be given if you just ask for it.  Why a password then I hear you say... let's just say I need to know who you are cause there is a certain person I dont to let on my new blog... cause it's got nothing to do with him (yeah it's hubby!) so i had to protect my blog!

Have a good day
Mey
-x-

Jan 27, 2006 at 14:34 o\clock

Moving Blog

by: mey2

I am fed up with Blogigo error messages all the time.
So I have moved my blog somewhere else...

Find it HERE and keep it in your favourite


Mey
-x-

Jan 26, 2006 at 17:07 o\clock

I am FAT!

by: mey2

Mood: Enjoying some Doritos
Listening to: Countdown

Jee... I am eating a packet of Doritos and can't stop.... I should stop... I need to loose some weight.  But I cant stop eating them!  They are just too yummy...and addictive!!
After this morning (see previous entry) I felt really annoyed going to work and I didnt really want to do any work.  But I went anyway and did the job I am paid to do... not enough paid but paid anyhow!

I have had a couple of coffees this morning, with a couple of chocolate biscuits and I know it was bad but I can't help it.  Ideally I should have a bottle of water and maybe some nuts to munch on. 
I am suppose to be depressed and sad and I had two options.  Be off my food and loose some weight with no effort, or be into my food and eat more than I should and put on weight thinking it wont stick!!  
So now, when I will be looking for another person to share my life (or just casual sex cause anything is possible LOL) I will look like the Michelin guy... and that's no good.

I need to loose weight and I need to have something to help me loose weight... Any idea is welcome!

Anyway, after a dull morning at work, I got an email from my brother who told me that he and Camille are ok.  There's been a huge argument cause he found out her mobile phone bill and realised she was texting that guy more than she should have (80 texts in one month just to the guy... that's a lot!).  He told me that at the moment she had promised she would stop texting him and that he should trust her.  So to be continued.
Before he finished his email he asked me if I was ok and that I should know I could speak to him if needed. 
And I thought...Great... my mother could not keep her mouth shut  and told him what was happening with me... Never mind.  So I replied to him telling him everything.  Now I'll wait for what he's gonna have to say on the matter!

Then all of a sudden at work, it went all crazy.  I had a report and an induction pack to get ready in less than an hour but as well as getting them ready, I had to update most of it, retype a lot of it cause I could not find it on the PC and get it all nice and neat for Monday (cause I dont work Fridays for those who still dont know).
It was a bit of a panic and I was swearing a lot... my manager walked in to ask me to find a patients note and she saw I was stressed... I gave her what she needed and she left swiftly LOL.
Then in the middle of my panic I got a phone call from Hubby.  I thought 'What the hell does he want now' I picked up the phone and he asked me where I was .......  Well DUH.. at work you MORON!  Then he goes 'Oh dear.. I am so tired... are you tired'  I was like I am not tired. I am trying to get this thing out in the next 10 minutes cause I have to pick up Tom from nursery, then Jack from school and one of his friends and I have 15 minutes to do all that...  So I replied on the phone 'I cant talk right now, I am really busy' and put the phone down... and I knew it would be drama at the other end...

So I managed to get on time to school (God knows how), I saw Sarah there who was absolutely shivering with the cold.  I let her borrow my gloves she was so cold... and we talked about Saturday night and I really cant wait.  I am soooooo gonna  enjoy it!!!

I called him when I got home to say that I was sorry for being short on the phone but that I really was busy... and he was ok about it... Now that is a surprise!!!

And here I am now...still eating Doritos getting fatter by the minute!
Have a nice evening!
Mey
-x-

Jan 26, 2006 at 09:23 o\clock

another down...

by: mey2

Mood: whatever
Listening to: GMTV... and no... it's not for chavs!

Last night hubby came home and he was fine.  Then I mentioned that his mate had to go to Cardiff so his Friday night was cancelled.  He then asked if Sam was not going out on Saturday and I said no.  And I think he was annoyed with that cause he knew she would keep an eye on me...honestly..I feel like a child being watched by the grown ups!!
So once again he went all weird on me, put his sad saggy face on and looked miserable... I just ignored him.  I went upstairs to change the sheets on Tom's bed (he had a little accident last night!!).  A few minutes later he came up and he said 'are you trying to get away from me' and I simply said that no, I was ignoring him cause his attitude was nothing new and I was fed up with it and was not interested to why he was in that mood.  So I just ignore it and carry on with my little life!  I dont think he was impressed with that but to be honest, I could not care less.

He left the house to go and play squash and slammed the door which really annoyed me cause if someone had the right to slam doors at that point, it was ME!
So I rang him on his mobile and was gonna shout at him that slamming the door was not very clever.  But as his phone was ringing I suddenly thought 'No... Be clever... be more clever than that big lump'  So he picked up his phone and I said 'Hi, it's me.  Are you ok... Just wanted to say to try to enjoy your squash session.  Get it out of your system and enjoy it alright... Oh and in the future, you dont have to slam doors, it really is not nice'  and he said 'yeah sorry, I didnt mean to...thanks for calling'... AH who's clever now!!!!!
So I showed him that I was not the Ice Queen he seems to think I am.  I have a heart and I can be clever and make effort to fix things too.
I wonder why I bothered though cause when he came back that night, he started organising for me and him to have snowboard lessons on artificial snow somewhere around where we live.  I really wish he hadn't bothered cause with the cold outside, the last thing I want to do after a day at work is driving 45 minutes for 90 minutes lesson.  So I was not really enthousiastic about it and he had a go at me telling me that maybe he should cancel the whole holiday.
Anyway... I told him I was tired and went to bed.  He came up to give me a hug.  Then he tried to kiss me and it was so off putting.  I dont mind giving him a quick kiss on the lips but he was trying too hard and really trying to have one of those passionate kiss you see on old movies.  I just pulled away and went to bed.  He was not happy but hey... what can I do. Force myself??!
This morning, he had his sad saggy face on and tried to give me a hug again and that really started to give me the creeps.
He started saying that he didn't see the point in carrying on and that maybe he should cancel the holiday... and blah blah blah
Jee... I have had enough of all of this.  I told him to stop being an arse... I am really fed up with him for trying to push it and push it and making me look like I am the one not making any effort.
He's doing everything wrong and even though a lot of my friends and family tell me that with time it'll be alright, I am not sure at all about it!  I feel stuck in a situation I hate.
I hate myself for making this happen but I just cannot carry on like this.
I had a dream last night.  I was with someone else and it was so good.... I enjoyed every bit of that dream and when you wake up and see that it was just a dream and you are still stuck with a misery gut, it is kinda depressing.
I better go and do my hair, put my face on and go to work...!
Have a good day
Mey
-x-

Jan 25, 2006 at 18:09 o\clock

Slowly...but surely

by: mey2

Mood: OK

OK.  I have had a good day today.  I did loads at work and managed to really sort a few things out that have been hanging for ages.  So now I am pretty much up to date at work and that feels good!
I felt a little happier today.  I sent an email to my mum and told her about the counselling bit.  I also said that hubby had booked a holiday in Austria and that although I was looking forward to see the mountains and the snow, I was dreading being with him with no escape... no last minute 'I am going out to see Sarah' escuse to get out of the house.... I am hoping however that we'll be so knackered after skiing all day, we'll be in bed early!!  I am planning to spend as much time with the kids and play in the snow with them.  My mum replied that she was happy I was not making any harsh decision just yet and that I was taking my time.

I am worried that she thinks I will be all ok soon and that it was just a bad dream... But this morning, after he had his shower, he came in the room half naked and I just could not look at him.  Then he started talking and I thought 'I dont like his voice'.  Then I saw the back of his head and thought 'I hate his hair in the back of his head..all little and curly'.... If I ever feel in love with him again it will take a long long time.... and that is a IF... not a WHEN. 
I personally can't see it coming.  But as everybody around me say... You never know!

I am going out on Saturday for Sarah's birthday and I know I should be looking forward to it.  My friend Sam just came for a cup of tea earlier and told me she could not go cause her dad had a car crash and she was going to Cardiff on Friday.  Which means that her hubby...My hubby's best friend, is going too.  And I was hoping that the two of them would spend Saturday night together so I would be free of nagging texts on my phone asking me where I was or who I was with!!
So now, I am going out hoping he will behave and leave me the hell alone.  Otherwise I will tell him that...errrr... I will take the opportunity of him being an arse once again and make out with some strangers on the dance floor as a revenge scheme...LOL.  That should shut his mouth!!!

No... I really hope he will not nag me that night cause I really want to let my hair down and enjoy it to the fulll.  I need it!!!

Better cook the kids dinner.  It looks like they haven't been fed for days according to their whining!!

Mey
-x-

Jan 24, 2006 at 19:01 o\clock

This is how it went

by: mey2

Today me and Hubby went to see the marriage counsellor and it felt all really weird.

I know I was happy to go at first but when it came to the crunch I felt like running away!  We were asked to a room which was really small but comfy enough.  There was three chairs there and I chose the one on the left of the counsellor.... She first started asking questions about us, like our age and job etc.  Then she asked why we came.  I could not bring myself to start talking which is quite unusual for me cause I am always talking first....and last!!
So Hubby started by saying that we had trouble in our relationship that the fun had gone and that my love for him had gone too.
From then on it was an exchange of questions, statements and answers between the three of us.  The lady was really good.
She asked me a question and I answered and while I was answering she was looking at Hubby...obviolusly to see what his reaction was.  I could see she was looking at our body language and how we were reacting when one of us was making a negative statement about the other.  I felt that Hubby was exagerating a lot about a few things he was saying about me.
When I said that his jealousy and insecurity had destroyed the love and respect I had for him he said that surely there was more.  He said to the counsellor that I had told him I didnt fancy him anymore, that I said he was fat and that he needed plastic surgery when what really happened is that he asked me if he needed to loose weight, I said not really, maybe a little and when he suggested plastic surgery because he has been talking about it for so long, I told him that if that's what he really wanted, then why not.  I actually think that he hates the way he looks so much, plastic surgery might boost his confidence.  Anyway, he made me look like I was a right bitch. 
But I managed to wriggle out of it.  At one point he was talking about next Saturday night (Sarah's birthday celebration, Big Girl's Night out!) and the fact that he was ok with me going...but he forgot to mention how awful he'd been about it a few weeks ago.  And I said 'Dont you remember what you said' and he said 'no' and I said 'Shall I remind you then!' and I did and the counsellor said to him 'why do you think you need to act this way then'.  He could not answer that.  He simply said that it was something it could not help.  It must be horrible to be jealous like that.  I can't imagine being eaten inside by horrible feelings!
Apparently he is going to see someone about his jealousy on Thursday.  Another counsellor that was recommended to him by a friend. I didnt even know about it.  He only told me today.  So hopefully that will help....somehow!

It has been ok at home though.  We are talking more which is good.  My feelings for him have not changed and I think it will take a long time for them to change...if they change!!
Now I came home today and he told me he'd booked a holiday for the last week of February.  We're off to Austria on a ski holiday.  I didnt think he would do it but he did!  So now I have to sort a lot of things out for the hols.  I am kinda excited about it cause the kids have never been on a ski holiday before.  But I am dreading being just with him not being able to contact my friends... Can you imagine... in the middle of moutains, with Austrian people, and trapped with him... I will really have to try to make the most of it.

I feel tired now...  I probably will go to bed early tonight!  What a bore I am LOL!

Teri... Thank you for your lovely email.  You've helped
Mey
-x-

Jan 23, 2006 at 09:20 o\clock

Not too sure what to say!

by: mey2

Mood: OK

I have had a rather nice weekend.  Me and Hubby have been ok after the talk we had on Saturday night.
He seems to understand where I am coming from which is a huge step from last Tuesday.  We had lunch in a small restaurant near our house on Sunday and it was ok.... he tends to still ask me annoying questions like: who you're looking at or what are you thinking?  But we have now an agreement that when I dont like something, instead of getting frustrated, I just tell him: Now I dont like this, can you stop please.  And he agrees and stops.  So far so good.  We'll see how long this last!  I do look forward to going to see the counsellor tomorrow.  I think it will help even more.

Strangely enough we have yesterday searched the net for a Easter Holiday all together and instead of the beach and the sun, I suggested Switzerland Chalet in the mountains with snow.  I thought if we need to make this work, then I should voice that beach holidays is not really my thing all the time.  I like them but not everytime we go on holiday!
He was fine about it especially when I found some really nice chalets at a reasonable price!  So we'll see how this go too.

My feelings for him are still the same.  I care a lot for him but I am not in love with him.  And he knows that which is good.  We have come a long way since last week.  We are now talking and understanding each other.  I am not sure where this will lead us but I think that we are clever enough to make it work whichever direction it will take and to make sure the children are not suffering.

OOooo I wish there was a magic wand I could use to make things all better.

Anyway....

Today is Sarah's Birthday (she's 30!!!) and after picking up the kids from school, we (Sarah, Donna and Me) taking them to an ice rink and then to a pizza.  She wanted to celebrate it with her son and she thought all together will be great and I think it's a good idea.
On Saturday we will celebrate properly.  No kids...just girls!  We'll go out to pubs and clubs.  16 of us are going.  That should be a rather mad night and I am prepared to have a bad headache on the Sunday morning LOL.

Right...I better get ready for work.  Got to put my face on!
Have a great week
Mey
-x-

Jan 22, 2006 at 11:38 o\clock

Up and down.... Up and down...

by: mey2

Mood: Good
Listening to: Extreme MakeOver Home Edition on Tele

I came home after shopping yesterday and felt happy cause I managed to get Sarah some really nice presents for her birthday and I knew she would like them.  I got her a realy nice black Bench jumper, and really good book (she loves reading) and the DVD of Steel Magnolia which is a film I love with Shirlley McLain, Julia Robert and Sally Field.  If you haven't seen that film, get it.  You'll love it!
Anyway I came home and Hubby was there, moody as ever.  He tried to talk to me and I kept saying that I wanted to wait till we'd see the counsellor.
I really felt sad cause he is begging me to reconsider and tells me that he will change.
He told me that 2006 for him had started really well and he felt really positive about it all and then I dropped the bombshell on him and now he felt helpless.  I must admit, I have never seen him like this.  We have had our arguments in the past but this is really serious.

He then asked me how we would split the house and who would get the kids etc etc...  I havent thought that far yet... not properly anyway.  I realised that although I told him he could keep the children as long as I could see them everyday (I thought I cannot possibly take everything from him!!).  I knew that if we did this, it would be a temporary option but I felt that with this option maybe the children would not feel too disrupted if they stayed in the house.... Who am I kidding.  They will be all over the place poor things.  I love them so much I hate myself for doing this!!

Anyway, I was not looking forward to an evening with him so I asked him if he minded if I went to Sarah's for the evening.  He said no...he actually said that it might be best if we didn't spend the evening together cause we are going in circles with our discussions!

I went upstairs to get ready and he came too.  And once again he started asking questions about what will happen and asking me if I would change my mind.  Then I went mad... I was so tired of the same questions so I simple told (I was shouting a bit!) him that it was wrong of him to expect me to be unhappy for his sake.  I can't exactly remember what I told him.  It was in the heat of the moment and it was coming out of my mouth!  Amazingly he thanked me for being honest with him and for telling exactly what was what.

When I left, he didnt give me grief, or ask me what time I was coming back ... nothing like that.  He simply said have a good time....how refreshing!!!
I arrived at Sarah's and Donna was there which was great cause we always have a great time when it's the three of us!

I broke my new year resolutions and drank wine and smoked cigarettes and ate chocolate...it was a proper girls night in, with music, laughs and simply having a good time.  I called Hubby after a while and asked if he was ok.  He said he was and I said that if we both worked at it really hard we may be able to salvage something.  He was glad I said that and I felt for the first since that whole thing started we were at last getting somewhere.
If he starts acting like an adult and not like a possessive hubby, it'll make things much easier.

This morning he let me sleep which was nice.... I had a bit of a hangover...which was nice in a weird way.  I really enjoyed the few glasses of wine I had.  It really chilled me down and I needed to relax!
We had a good morning.  He was fine with me and so was I.  The kids were lovely and I know that if I am to make things work as best as I can.... I'll do it for them.
However, for them to be happy, I need to be happy too.  I am not saying everything is honkey dorey....but I'll work at it as hard as I can to make things as easy as possible!
Have a good sunday
Mey
-x-

Jan 21, 2006 at 11:27 o\clock

Rollercoaster!

by: mey2

Mood: Tired
Listening to: Nick Junior on tele

After Sarah left last night, I got a phone call from Hubby who was in the pub with his friends.  He asked me to come along too earlier cause my friend Sam was there too but I said no cause I was not in the pub mood.  I was actualy surprised that he was!!
I fed the kids and asked them to put their PJs on.  I only ate their leftovers of Spaghettis and sausages... I was not too hungry!
When he finally came back home, just before 9pm, he stank of booze and fags.... I really hate that smell!
I was kinda quiet and was watching American Idol...(it started last night and I love the auditions...!).  He kept asking me if I was ok.  He kept asking me if I had any thoughts, if I made any decision, if I changed my mind...etc!
And I said no no no.  After a while he said that he felt better about the whole thing.  He said 'Iam closer now to actually let you go'  I was very surprised.  He told me that he had spoken to his mate Simon and that his friend managed to show him what he was doing wrong.  He said that he understood me and that he was not gonna stand in the way.  He said that he was ok with it all, that he realised that we were not made for each other and that in the future maybe he will find someone and he will be ok when I do.... I mean I didn't even think that far!!  So I was kinda surprised!!  Such a turn around in just a few hours!  I thought Great....That should ease things.
After an hour of him talking telling me that he had changed and that he will change more and me listening and agreeing with what he was saying, I said I was gonna go to bed.  He decided to stay up a little longer.  I was not tired, so I went up and read my book (A million little pieces by James Frey).  That discussion got me thinking though and I was in a turmoil inside.  Was I doing the right thing?  He showed me how mature and normal he could be with such a hard situation.  I thought about what I would leave behind if I went and was really doubting my actions....

After a while hubby came to bed.  I was still reading but I could see that he was staring at me.  I looked at him and he smiled...then he got closer and he said...'How about some fun... no strings atached!!'  I could not believe it.  I thought what the hell is he thinking.  I mean he is describing it as fun while it was a chore for me for years!  When i said no, he said 'oh come on... I know you will enjoy it'...honestly I could not believe my ears.  I must have said No about 20 times and in the end I just put my book in between us and tried to read... He insisted again and I just firmly said 'NO..GO TO SLEEP!'  He looked annoyed.  He actually decided that he was not tired after all and went back downstairs. (Typical jerk action)  Not long after that I turned the light off and went to dreamland.
Then at 2.30am he shook me and I thought something had happened.  I sat up and asked what was the matter.  And he said 'I cant believe you are asleep.  I cant sleep...and you are fast asleep!!   I've just benn out. Didn't you hear the door.  I went for a walk... didn't you notice??!!  Why are you so cold about it...why dont you care how I feel.  Do you hate me that much...'  I was like half asleep, confused and he was bombarding me with non sense questions.  When I am asleep (and I am a heavy sleeper) I hate being disturbed..no matter what is happening (of course if the kids were sick I would wake up).  SO I hit the pillow again and asked him to leave me alone.  And he laid into me even more, called me the Ice Queen.... and that is not the first time he calls me that.  I am starting to get really annoyed with that little new nickname!  After ages of him ranting at me and proding me so I'd wake up again...he said : I bet you wish I was dead.  You'd love it if I got run over by a car. You probably would think Ah great.. that should make things easier.
At that point I could have strangled him myself and not wait for the car to run him over!!  I sat up and said to him.... 'well... well done Hubby.  You have managed to change for a total of a few hours.  That is just great!!!'  I told him that he promised changes in the new year and that so far he did nothing.  He was still smoking, drinking and acting like a jerk.  I told him that his attitude was only reinforcing my decision to leave.  I was so annoyed with him, I felt like getting up, pack a bag and go....but as I said earlier.  I was tucked in bed and could not bring myself to leave the comfiness of it!!
I asked him to turn the light off and go to sleep cause he was really not helping himself.  Amazingly he did.  But I was wide awake by then and I have not managed to sleep well at all after that.

This morning, the kids woke up.  He tried to come closer to me but I quickly gathered enough quilt between us so he knew what to expect.  He didn't insist and turned his back on me.
20 minutes later he came closer again, kissed my back and said he was sorry.  Now where have I heard that one before!!!!  I told him that he really should take a long hard look at himself. 
I hated his touch on me.  I hated him being so close to me and wanted him to just leave the bed.  I felt clostrophobic with his arm around my waist.  I could not breath properly.
When he finally left, I felt a sense of deep relief.  My doubts from the night before had vanished.  I am now determined that I definately made the right decision.  On Tuesday we are going to see a marriage counsellor.  I hope this will help...both of us!

Today he is going to take the kids to see his granparents.  I have to go in town to get a present for Sarah's birthday for Monday.  That will be good for me to be by myself for a while.

He rang me this morning when he got to work and asked me if it was possible for us to have a nice weekend.  To not be angry at each other and take the kids somewhere nice on Sunday.  I agreed (relunctantly cause I really dont want to spend time with him and play happy families).  But we'll see.

Have a nice weekend
Mey
-x-