I am just updating you on where to find my new blog
(not so new now cause I have been on it for months!)
Please find it HERE
No password necessary. Just jump right in!!
See you there
WOW... I got an email from Blogigo Team telling me I am now on their premium status. Meaning... no ugly ad banner at the top of my blog and lots and lots of space for photos and stuff. And that is a birthday present from them to me.... How nice!!!!
Shame I am not posting here anymore....
Remember.... My new blog is HERE and the password will be given if you just ask for it. Why a password then I hear you say... let's just say I need to know who you are cause there is a certain person I dont to let on my new blog... cause it's got nothing to do with him (yeah it's hubby!) so i had to protect my blog!
Have a good day
Mood: Enjoying some Doritos
Listening to: Countdown
Jee... I am eating a packet of Doritos and can't stop.... I should stop... I need to loose some weight. But I cant stop eating them! They are just too yummy...and addictive!!
After this morning (see previous entry) I felt really annoyed going to work and I didnt really want to do any work. But I went anyway and did the job I am paid to do... not enough paid but paid anyhow!
I have had a couple of coffees this morning, with a couple of chocolate biscuits and I know it was bad but I can't help it. Ideally I should have a bottle of water and maybe some nuts to munch on.
I am suppose to be depressed and sad and I had two options. Be off my food and loose some weight with no effort, or be into my food and eat more than I should and put on weight thinking it wont stick!!
So now, when I will be looking for another person to share my life (or just casual sex cause anything is possible LOL) I will look like the Michelin guy... and that's no good.
I need to loose weight and I need to have something to help me loose weight... Any idea is welcome!
Anyway, after a dull morning at work, I got an email from my brother who told me that he and Camille are ok. There's been a huge argument cause he found out her mobile phone bill and realised she was texting that guy more than she should have (80 texts in one month just to the guy... that's a lot!). He told me that at the moment she had promised she would stop texting him and that he should trust her. So to be continued.
Before he finished his email he asked me if I was ok and that I should know I could speak to him if needed.
And I thought...Great... my mother could not keep her mouth shut and told him what was happening with me... Never mind. So I replied to him telling him everything. Now I'll wait for what he's gonna have to say on the matter!
Then all of a sudden at work, it went all crazy. I had a report and an induction pack to get ready in less than an hour but as well as getting them ready, I had to update most of it, retype a lot of it cause I could not find it on the PC and get it all nice and neat for Monday (cause I dont work Fridays for those who still dont know).
It was a bit of a panic and I was swearing a lot... my manager walked in to ask me to find a patients note and she saw I was stressed... I gave her what she needed and she left swiftly LOL.
Then in the middle of my panic I got a phone call from Hubby. I thought 'What the hell does he want now' I picked up the phone and he asked me where I was ....... Well DUH.. at work you MORON! Then he goes 'Oh dear.. I am so tired... are you tired' I was like I am not tired. I am trying to get this thing out in the next 10 minutes cause I have to pick up Tom from nursery, then Jack from school and one of his friends and I have 15 minutes to do all that... So I replied on the phone 'I cant talk right now, I am really busy' and put the phone down... and I knew it would be drama at the other end...
So I managed to get on time to school (God knows how), I saw Sarah there who was absolutely shivering with the cold. I let her borrow my gloves she was so cold... and we talked about Saturday night and I really cant wait. I am soooooo gonna enjoy it!!!
I called him when I got home to say that I was sorry for being short on the phone but that I really was busy... and he was ok about it... Now that is a surprise!!!
And here I am now...still eating Doritos getting fatter by the minute!
Have a nice evening!
Listening to: GMTV... and no... it's not for chavs!
Last night hubby came home and he was fine. Then I mentioned that his mate had to go to Cardiff so his Friday night was cancelled. He then asked if Sam was not going out on Saturday and I said no. And I think he was annoyed with that cause he knew she would keep an eye on me...honestly..I feel like a child being watched by the grown ups!!
So once again he went all weird on me, put his sad saggy face on and looked miserable... I just ignored him. I went upstairs to change the sheets on Tom's bed (he had a little accident last night!!). A few minutes later he came up and he said 'are you trying to get away from me' and I simply said that no, I was ignoring him cause his attitude was nothing new and I was fed up with it and was not interested to why he was in that mood. So I just ignore it and carry on with my little life! I dont think he was impressed with that but to be honest, I could not care less.
He left the house to go and play squash and slammed the door which really annoyed me cause if someone had the right to slam doors at that point, it was ME!
So I rang him on his mobile and was gonna shout at him that slamming the door was not very clever. But as his phone was ringing I suddenly thought 'No... Be clever... be more clever than that big lump' So he picked up his phone and I said 'Hi, it's me. Are you ok... Just wanted to say to try to enjoy your squash session. Get it out of your system and enjoy it alright... Oh and in the future, you dont have to slam doors, it really is not nice' and he said 'yeah sorry, I didnt mean to...thanks for calling'... AH who's clever now!!!!!
So I showed him that I was not the Ice Queen he seems to think I am. I have a heart and I can be clever and make effort to fix things too.
I wonder why I bothered though cause when he came back that night, he started organising for me and him to have snowboard lessons on artificial snow somewhere around where we live. I really wish he hadn't bothered cause with the cold outside, the last thing I want to do after a day at work is driving 45 minutes for 90 minutes lesson. So I was not really enthousiastic about it and he had a go at me telling me that maybe he should cancel the whole holiday.
Anyway... I told him I was tired and went to bed. He came up to give me a hug. Then he tried to kiss me and it was so off putting. I dont mind giving him a quick kiss on the lips but he was trying too hard and really trying to have one of those passionate kiss you see on old movies. I just pulled away and went to bed. He was not happy but hey... what can I do. Force myself??!
This morning, he had his sad saggy face on and tried to give me a hug again and that really started to give me the creeps.
He started saying that he didn't see the point in carrying on and that maybe he should cancel the holiday... and blah blah blah
Jee... I have had enough of all of this. I told him to stop being an arse... I am really fed up with him for trying to push it and push it and making me look like I am the one not making any effort.
He's doing everything wrong and even though a lot of my friends and family tell me that with time it'll be alright, I am not sure at all about it! I feel stuck in a situation I hate.
I hate myself for making this happen but I just cannot carry on like this.
I had a dream last night. I was with someone else and it was so good.... I enjoyed every bit of that dream and when you wake up and see that it was just a dream and you are still stuck with a misery gut, it is kinda depressing.
I better go and do my hair, put my face on and go to work...!
Have a good day
I have had a rather nice weekend. Me and Hubby have been ok after the talk we had on Saturday night.
He seems to understand where I am coming from which is a huge step from last Tuesday. We had lunch in a small restaurant near our house on Sunday and it was ok.... he tends to still ask me annoying questions like: who you're looking at or what are you thinking? But we have now an agreement that when I dont like something, instead of getting frustrated, I just tell him: Now I dont like this, can you stop please. And he agrees and stops. So far so good. We'll see how long this last! I do look forward to going to see the counsellor tomorrow. I think it will help even more.
Strangely enough we have yesterday searched the net for a Easter Holiday all together and instead of the beach and the sun, I suggested Switzerland Chalet in the mountains with snow. I thought if we need to make this work, then I should voice that beach holidays is not really my thing all the time. I like them but not everytime we go on holiday!
He was fine about it especially when I found some really nice chalets at a reasonable price! So we'll see how this go too.
My feelings for him are still the same. I care a lot for him but I am not in love with him. And he knows that which is good. We have come a long way since last week. We are now talking and understanding each other. I am not sure where this will lead us but I think that we are clever enough to make it work whichever direction it will take and to make sure the children are not suffering.
OOooo I wish there was a magic wand I could use to make things all better.
Today is Sarah's Birthday (she's 30!!!) and after picking up the kids from school, we (Sarah, Donna and Me) taking them to an ice rink and then to a pizza. She wanted to celebrate it with her son and she thought all together will be great and I think it's a good idea.
On Saturday we will celebrate properly. No kids...just girls! We'll go out to pubs and clubs. 16 of us are going. That should be a rather mad night and I am prepared to have a bad headache on the Sunday morning LOL.
Right...I better get ready for work. Got to put my face on!
Have a great week
Listening to: Extreme MakeOver Home Edition on Tele
Listening to: Nick Junior on tele
After Sarah left last night, I got a phone call from Hubby who was in the pub with his friends. He asked me to come along too earlier cause my friend Sam was there too but I said no cause I was not in the pub mood. I was actualy surprised that he was!!
I fed the kids and asked them to put their PJs on. I only ate their leftovers of Spaghettis and sausages... I was not too hungry!
When he finally came back home, just before 9pm, he stank of booze and fags.... I really hate that smell!
I was kinda quiet and was watching American Idol...(it started last night and I love the auditions...!). He kept asking me if I was ok. He kept asking me if I had any thoughts, if I made any decision, if I changed my mind...etc!
And I said no no no. After a while he said that he felt better about the whole thing. He said 'Iam closer now to actually let you go' I was very surprised. He told me that he had spoken to his mate Simon and that his friend managed to show him what he was doing wrong. He said that he understood me and that he was not gonna stand in the way. He said that he was ok with it all, that he realised that we were not made for each other and that in the future maybe he will find someone and he will be ok when I do.... I mean I didn't even think that far!! So I was kinda surprised!! Such a turn around in just a few hours! I thought Great....That should ease things.
After an hour of him talking telling me that he had changed and that he will change more and me listening and agreeing with what he was saying, I said I was gonna go to bed. He decided to stay up a little longer. I was not tired, so I went up and read my book (A million little pieces by James Frey). That discussion got me thinking though and I was in a turmoil inside. Was I doing the right thing? He showed me how mature and normal he could be with such a hard situation. I thought about what I would leave behind if I went and was really doubting my actions....
After a while hubby came to bed. I was still reading but I could see that he was staring at me. I looked at him and he smiled...then he got closer and he said...'How about some fun... no strings atached!!' I could not believe it. I thought what the hell is he thinking. I mean he is describing it as fun while it was a chore for me for years! When i said no, he said 'oh come on... I know you will enjoy it'...honestly I could not believe my ears. I must have said No about 20 times and in the end I just put my book in between us and tried to read... He insisted again and I just firmly said 'NO..GO TO SLEEP!' He looked annoyed. He actually decided that he was not tired after all and went back downstairs. (Typical jerk action) Not long after that I turned the light off and went to dreamland.
Then at 2.30am he shook me and I thought something had happened. I sat up and asked what was the matter. And he said 'I cant believe you are asleep. I cant sleep...and you are fast asleep!! I've just benn out. Didn't you hear the door. I went for a walk... didn't you notice??!! Why are you so cold about it...why dont you care how I feel. Do you hate me that much...' I was like half asleep, confused and he was bombarding me with non sense questions. When I am asleep (and I am a heavy sleeper) I hate being disturbed..no matter what is happening (of course if the kids were sick I would wake up). SO I hit the pillow again and asked him to leave me alone. And he laid into me even more, called me the Ice Queen.... and that is not the first time he calls me that. I am starting to get really annoyed with that little new nickname! After ages of him ranting at me and proding me so I'd wake up again...he said : I bet you wish I was dead. You'd love it if I got run over by a car. You probably would think Ah great.. that should make things easier.
At that point I could have strangled him myself and not wait for the car to run him over!! I sat up and said to him.... 'well... well done Hubby. You have managed to change for a total of a few hours. That is just great!!!' I told him that he promised changes in the new year and that so far he did nothing. He was still smoking, drinking and acting like a jerk. I told him that his attitude was only reinforcing my decision to leave. I was so annoyed with him, I felt like getting up, pack a bag and go....but as I said earlier. I was tucked in bed and could not bring myself to leave the comfiness of it!!
I asked him to turn the light off and go to sleep cause he was really not helping himself. Amazingly he did. But I was wide awake by then and I have not managed to sleep well at all after that.
This morning, the kids woke up. He tried to come closer to me but I quickly gathered enough quilt between us so he knew what to expect. He didn't insist and turned his back on me.
20 minutes later he came closer again, kissed my back and said he was sorry. Now where have I heard that one before!!!! I told him that he really should take a long hard look at himself.
I hated his touch on me. I hated him being so close to me and wanted him to just leave the bed. I felt clostrophobic with his arm around my waist. I could not breath properly.
When he finally left, I felt a sense of deep relief. My doubts from the night before had vanished. I am now determined that I definately made the right decision. On Tuesday we are going to see a marriage counsellor. I hope this will help...both of us!
Today he is going to take the kids to see his granparents. I have to go in town to get a present for Sarah's birthday for Monday. That will be good for me to be by myself for a while.
He rang me this morning when he got to work and asked me if it was possible for us to have a nice weekend. To not be angry at each other and take the kids somewhere nice on Sunday. I agreed (relunctantly cause I really dont want to spend time with him and play happy families). But we'll see.
Have a nice weekend