Just Lil' Ole Boring Me

Listening to: The Gaslight Anthem

I hate...

...disco

...school dances

...black licorice

...Hummers

...cheeky smiles

...Faulkner

...rap

...ignorance

...racism

I love...

...goldfish crackers

...school planners

...Ron Weasley

...mixed CDs

...1995 Honda Accord LX

...The Gaslight Anthem

...Calvin and Hobbes

...misery

...cleanliness

...Bayside

...cherry poptarts

...Franklin Delano Roosevelt

...punk rock

...Mr. Tumnus

...pin-striped sheets

...the year 1999

...baseball caps

... black chucks

...Diary of Anne Frank

...Senses Fail

...lip piercings

...Dr. Pepper

...Go Ask Alice

...Disney World

...kindness

...Sick Little Suicide

...puffy pillows

 

I love more than I hate...

Why doesn't anyone want...

....to love me?

I feel I'm capable of it...

...even though I might not be ready for it...

When do I get my chance...

...to prove it to them...

...and to myself??

 

 

I'm kicking out fiercely at the world around me...

...what went wrong?                                                                              

 

708 billion dollars?

To bail out the banks that fucked up?

And I'm expected to help pay this off?

That's it....

I'm moving to Antarctica...

Listening to: Bayside

I think I've just about purged myself...just one more ought to do it...

To Whom It May Concern,

               Congratulations. We have made it. All these past years of endless classes, tests, presentations, club meetings, track meets, and pep rallies have brought us here...to this one place in time. It seems like it wasn't that long ago when we all started out on this journey, and now we have finally completed the first leg of this race through time. We had some good times...remember M's great party and how his parents came home early to such a mess? Or driving all the way to Jersey just to find a roadside diner and grab a milkshake? Or perhaps those endless nights we spent talking? You do? Well, I don't...I'm just relaying what I heard in the hallways on Monday mornings. Do you even remember me? I don't expect you to, I didn't exactly participate in any social outings. But, we did have gym together...remember how you once picked me to be on your team, and then proceeded to completely ignore me when I tried to make conversation. Or how about you, you laughed hysterically when I dropped my books after you and your friends sprayed me with water. Ha Ha, good one guys...wait? You don't remember? I spent the rest of the day with a damp shirt and pants, so I certainly do. Remember I was in the same lunch period as you? We used to be friends, but you wouldn't let me sit at your table. You said that you saving the seat for someone, but they never seemed to show up. How about you, the football guys, who took my backpack and book off of the seat while I was buying my lunch. You thought it was pretty funny as I was desperately trying to find my stuff. Kicking it under some other people's table...what a great idea. What did I ever do to you? I don't understand...was I that much of an easy target? You ignored me, made fun of me, laughed at me...everything but try and talk to me. Six years of loneliness...you try dealing with that. Now, I'm not writing this for sympathy...or even to make you feel guilty. I am writing this for myself. I have found my voice and I am no longer afraid to use it. You put me down in order to make yourself look....what? Cooler? Badder? Better? Yeah, I'm sure it did the trick. You left me with no confidence in myself...and I couldn't trust people for a long time. I haven't forgotten you, either...remember we hung out all the time between classes? Remember how you offered me a ride home? Remember how you left me standing outside of the school for an hour? I had to call my parents and make up some lame excuse for them to come and get me. They didn't believe me, I could tell. Do you have any idea how that feels? To have your parents see how much of a loser you really are? I had to withstand the peptalks from them...telling me next year will be better...no, next year will be better. Well, I quickly ran out of "next years." It certainly was not for my lack of trying, but there are only so many times you can go up to people and try to talk and be met with nothing but blank stares. So, to whom it may concern...you know who you are. You made me not want to get out of bed in the morning. You made me question everything that makes me...well, me. Was I not good enough? Was I not smart enough? I've stopped caring, and you all can go to hell for all I care. I'm sure there is a special section for those who get off on other people's pain. Well, Class of 2006, it was nice knowing thee. And now we have a bright future ahead, and mine is perhaps the brightest. High School was only for a few short years and there is so much more in store. So...Fuck Off and have a nice life.

                                           ~K

P.S. Can't wait for the reunion...

       

Listening to: Paramore

Continuing on with my letter-writing...

Dear N,

         I don't really know where to start. I know that you don't really want to talk to me anymore, so I am putting my feelings down in a letter. Last year was a confusing time for me, I didn't know where I had been or where I was going, and I am sorry that you came in at the wrong time. You were seriously the first guy that paid any attention to me, and I sort of freaked out at the prospect of being in a relationship. I didn't want to be labelled as being "in a relationship," because I was still trying to find out who I was. Truthfully, I am still in the process of doing this. What I really wanted was a friend, someone who would be there for me, but wouldn't be expecting anything more than that. I suppose that I should have stopped everything sooner, before things got out of hand, but I will admit that I liked the fact that someone was thinking about me. I have to be honest here,though, you made me feel like I wasn't capable of being by myself. I mean, you were EVERYWHERE. I couldn't just walk to my car by myself, you had to be walking right next to me. I couldn't go to the library to study by myself, you had to come with me and then proceed to furtively stare at me (don't think that I didn't notice). I didn't like how SUFFOCATED I felt whenever I was with you, or for that matter when I wasn't. Calling me three times in a row, after getting my voice-mail,probably means that I'm not by my phone, it doesn't necessarily mean that I "avoiding" you. Ambushing me as I'm leaving work...also not a good idea. Coming to my house, without an invitation....again, not a good impression. I am sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but going to the movies a few times doesn't necessarily constitute a serious relationship. I still want to be friends with you, I think you are a pretty cool guy and we have a lot of common interests (remember Nosferatu?), but I am not going to fit into this constricting ideal of what a "good girlfriend" should be. I can hang out with my friends by myself, I can stay home on a Friday night by myself, I can walk to my classes by myself, and I can drive myself places! I know you think that you are just following the age-old customs of chivalry, but it gets old after a while. I hope that one day you will understand this, and why I told you I didn't like you in THAT way.

                                     ~K

Listening to: Senses Fail

I have been wanting to say this for such a long time....

Dear Mr. Gaw,

        I am sure that you don't even remember me, so let me refresh your memory. I was in your 5th period American History class about seven or eight years ago at _____ Middle School. I am sure that the old addage about the student remembering the teacher long after they left the classroom is true, because I have never forgotten you. You, the teacher who perhaps affected me the most, have never left my memory. Do you remember, yet? No? Well, perhaps you remember humiliating me in front of the entire class. You screamed at me for my grand offence of not asking enough questions about the chapter. You called me a "waste of space." You made me stand up in front of everybody and read aloud from the passage, and then would not let me sit down until enough people participated in the class discussion. I get it, you were trying to make a point. Well done, sir. You picked out the weakest of the herd and went in for the kill....all to prove your stupid point about class participation. I was the short, chubby girl with thick glasses and braces. I really had nothing much going for me, except for the belief that a least the teachers would be kind to me. I had good grades, I didn't talk out of turn, I followed directions...I did everything that was expected of me. So, I suppose you thought that you would help me get over my shyness by having me talk in front of the class? Perhaps in your sick and twisted way, you thought this would be beneficial to me? All that did was make me go further into my shell. Did it not occur to you that once I left the classroom, I became "that girl that cried in class?" Oh, yes...don't you remember how you made me cry? Do you have any idea what kind of fodder that creates in the land of teenagers? I became even more of an outcast, enduring the stupid smirks on my classmates faces or the occaasional sympathetic look that made my face burn even more in shame. So, dear Mr. Gaw, I am sure you are wondering why I am writing this to you, and now that we are all caught up I am going to tell you. I have been holding this in for so many years, and this is something that my 13-year-old self would never have dared to say in your presence. Mr Gaw, on behalf of all young 8th graders that you belittled, defamed, and humilated: FUCK YOU,YOU MISERABLE OLD BASTARD! I HOPE SOMEONE PUNCHES YOU IN THE FACE! and now my 20-year-old self is going to add: I AM NOW A FUCKING HISTORY MAJOR IN COLLEGE, I'VE MADE THE DEAN'S LIST EVERY SEMESTER AND BEEN AWARDED SEVERAL ACADEMIC AWARDS, YOU BIG JACK-ASS!! TRY CALLING ME A "WASTE OF SPACE" NOW! Have you not heard the expression that "the meek shall inherit the earth?" Did you think that your bully tactics would impress anyone? All that it did was make me question my own self-worth at a time when I was already feeling out of place. So, forgive me for sounding childish when I say I Hate You, and will forever hate you. It shall be a loathing that has no bounds and will remain in me for a lifetime. 

I just thought you should know how I feel

                                  Sincerely,

                                                 K

P.S. I just recently heard that you are retiring, good luck with that. I am sure that there is many a kid breathing a sigh of relief at this news.

Listening to: Senses Fail

I feel like I'm the butt of the worst joke in history....

Moving away from my continous song lyric quotations....

I found myself asking....myself....why....why I'm not happy, why I feel so alone, why I can't seem to keep people in my life....and I honestly have no idea why....There is no reason that I can think of....and no its not depression or anything like that....its just a feeling like I'm living an unfulfilled life....

It's the little things that make me question what the hell is going on around me....and slowly send me into these little "dark ages" in which I start questioning anything and everything...from the college that I'm attending to even my family and friendships...

There is so much going on around me...and I can't seem to be a part of it...

Today I noticed for the first time that my father has gray hair

I wish they would stop growing older

I wish I would stop growing older

 

I just found this quiz on-line...I thought it was pretty thought-provoking  :)

Bands // Song Titles

Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:: 1997
Are you female or male:: Grace
Describe yourself:: Dancing With The Devil
How do some people feel about you:: Patience, Prudence
How do you feel about yourself:: Garden of Evil
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:: I Will Always Find You
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:: Curse or Cure
Describe where you want to be:: Tennessee Song
Describe what you want to be:: A Dream of Form in Days of Thought
Describe how you live:: Water's Edge
Describe how you love:: Lovelikepoetry
Share a few words of wisdom:: Hey Darlin'

Oh, and here's another one: Bands // Song Titles

Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:: Bayside
Are you female or male:: I and I
Describe yourself:: Don't Call Me Peanut
How do some people feel about you:: Landing Feet First
How do you feel about yourself:: Duality
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:: A Rite of Passage
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:: Loveless Wrists
Describe where you want to be:: Winter
Describe what you want to be:: They Looked Like Strong Hands
Describe how you live:: The Walking Wounded
Describe how you love:: Devotion and Desire
Share a few words of wisdom:: They're NOT Horses, They're Unicorns

Fill out this survey yourself
Find a different survey
Brought to you by Bzoink

 

Interpret as you will....

I recently read an article in my local newspaper that discussed how people having been giving TMI...that is too much information...about their personal lives and problems....and today I now understand what it was all about....

Set the scene:

I was in my last class...it's a fairly big room with long tables that face the front white-board...the class size is very small...the room echoes quite a bit....

I am all the way up in the front of the room....there are two girls sitting almost all the way in the back talking...I can hear what they are saying perfectly clear...so for the 10 minutes or so before class I was able to hear, in great detail, how her pelvic exam had gone the previous day...

Not something I really wanted to know...and I'm pretty sure the rest of the class would agree...eww...

---

Ok...moving on from THAT.....

I got my first short-essay back from my English professor...I thought I did so crappy on it because I really wasn't in the mood when I was writing it...but I got a B+....so that's all right with me...

I seriously am lacking motivation this semester...I just don't want to go any more...I am tired of doing the same thing....write a research paper...do a presentation...take a mid-term....do another essay....read another 10 stories by Monday....take the final....die a slow and painful death while sitting in my last history class that seems to last for hours and hours when it really is only for 55 minutes....

Today I was going to get up really early (ok, more like 8:30) and get to school 2 and a half hours early so I could finish up another paper that is due soon....somehow, in the middle of the night I must have woken up and changed my alarm because it didn't go off until 9:45....my usual waking-up time...I.WAS.PISSED.

So I also have to write my paper this weekend too...on top of reading about 4 chapters...and working 9-5 tomorrow and 9-3 on Sunday....I was hoping to see if anyone wanted to go to the movies or something, but apparently I'm not going to have any free-time....

You know what? I've got to stop these woe-is-me entries....they really are making me sound like such a weakling...

I guess I'm just like my ol' friend Bartleby...I would "prefer" not to do anything!

Ah humanity!!

Listening to: Bayside

I seriously thought I was going to die today while driving to school....the weather was so bad....the roads were so badly flooded...I actually thought it was going to happen....

Do we really see our life pass before our eyes..supposedly?

I didn't....but I seemed to have lost the ability to hear for about half of my journey....that sucked, since I had just bought a new CD and was looking so foward to listening to it  :P

But really....the minute the rain got so bad that I started to fear for my safety...the world became silent....perhaps I was just so intently focused on staying on the road that I just blocked out all sound....perhaps it was just my body's reaction to the situation....

whatever reason...it was really creepy

My body was so tense that I am just now starting to feel sore...my arms and legs and even my jaw hurts now....

Voting registration...

...I choose not to register...

...I don't particularly like any of the candidates...

...I know that the popular vote does not count...

...People who seem to think that it does are just not getting it...

...So who are you to call me ignorant?...

...Because I decide not to partake in an inane American tradition...

...Using my FREE WILL, the supposed reason behind what makes America so "great"...

...Because I am not just doing what I'm told is every American's "responsiblilty"...

...Does that give you the right to criticize me?...

...You voted in the last election...look what happened there...

...Is that my fault too?...

...People, get off your goddamn high-horse...and off my back, as well...

Listening to: Linkin Park

It's amazing that I've been writing this blog for over three years (more or less)...starting from my first entries talking about taking Driver's Ed, going to Green Day concerts, and bemoaning my senior year of high school to the present where I'm describing my discoveries over how much it sucks to grow up, my growing independence from my parents, and, once again, complaining over the work I have to do now that I'm in my junior year of college....

I am constantly finding myself going back and re-reading my old entries and laughing to myself over how stupid I sound....and remembering some good (and not so good) times

Maybe it's not such a good idea to keep looking back on my past, maybe I need to stop analyzing the things that I've already done and start planing for my future....but the truth is that I don't want to move foward....I don't want to grow up...I WANT to go back and re-live the last five years or so....I keep thinking that if I just changed one thing, my life would turn out better...maybe if I allowed myself to let my guard down when i was younger, perhaps my teenage years would have been happier....maybe I would have made more lasting friendships....maybe I would have been able to open up more now if I had been able to years ago because now I can't even make many friends at college

However I realize that I'm actually pretty happy with my life right now...true, I hate going to a school where I still don't know anyone, but the fact is, college isn't the biggest part in my life...I don't see the campus as my home, it's basically a place I go to for a few hours during the week and then I come back to my "real life"...does that even make any sense?

I guess when you think about kids going away to college they sort of have to create this "home away from home" and become this makeshift family while they are at school whereas I already have a home and a family, so I see no need to try and find one on campus. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't depend on anyone at school...I have friends at home so I don't need to have any at school...a lot of the kids there don't even live in this area so, to me, it doesn't make sense to befriend them since I won't even see them much when school's not in session....

I think I'm just excluded from their "family" lifestyle because I don't go through the same experiences as them....I don't know how dorm life is...and I really don't care...I'm not concerned about cafeteria/ res life conditions because I don't use it....all I really care about is finding a parking space and not getting a ticket if I (heaven forbid!) am forced to park in a restricted area because the campus administrators are too close-minded to realize that there is a large portion of the student body who commute to school and require ample parking spaces, yet they are more concerned about building new dorms and decide to actually TAKE AWAY commuter parking spots in order to achieve this....wow what a run-on sentence THAT was...

God, this sounds absolutely horrible....what a whiny whiner I am today...I've completely lost my train of thought....

The point of this was just suppose to be a reflection on how much I've changed in the last three years...and to remember what I've done and to wonder about what I'll be doing in the next three years...and I've just gone off on one of my usual rants....

I give up...