SILLY CRUSHES
got a crush on someone
i got a crush on someone.
i can't break your spell, my dream love.
you came, in my dream, three times in all, bringing me hope and joys first, then left me with a broken heart. I woke up lonely, suffocated with tears.
remember the first time when we met in dream. I tripped over on the porch, and bumped into you. that little accident brought us both to the ground. I fell, light like a feature, into your arms. no make-ups to hide my blush, I dared not to utter a word nor even to look at you. You were amused, and burst into laughters, which dissolved all my tenseness. I smiled back. I believed that was the most beautiful smile of mine.
second time, we lay next to each other, something stirred up inside and i kissed you. you told me to be careful, your lips parted gracefully, i blushed again and again, looking downward, too timid to speak. still, i acutely felt your nearness. you move closer, biting my underlip, chewing, causing electrical tremors through me.
suddenly you let everything go. everything vanished into infinite remoteness. tears welling up in my eyes, i inquired with misty questioning gaze on you. you were looking afar, emersing in retrospection. then, you told that you had it for the first time in nearly the same situation, the romantic first kiss.
i pouted, much annoyed, telling aloud, "some boys like me". you withdrew from recollection, smiled disarmingly. so i smiled in return, putting my arms around your neck, fondling, letting your fine silky hair slip through my fingers.
how i enjoyed those happy moments, not knowing the anticlimax they spelled.
the 3rd time was a doom. it was the end of the world. only i knew that, i dared not tell my parent for fear to frighten them. nor can i tell anybody who would certainly think i was mad. the only one i could rely on was you. i told you all about it. you treated my words, my anxieties with a scorn. you said i was crazy. you coldly analyzed the impossibility of the situation i said. i broke down. how could i make you believe, we were to die soon. you left me. it was the end of us, because if you left, you would never see me again.
i woke up, cried till dawn. i knew that was a farewell to you and i. you never would come back again, never, in my dream.
on that day, i met a pal on the internet, someone i adore and admire always without having personally encountered. he and you have something in common, elegance, wit, strikingly attractiveness. an arrogant person i am, still, insidiously i came under his spell. by incarnating you on him, i gave him furious remarks. when i was saying the words i said, i couldn't distingguish between you and him. i was urged for a outlet to all my misery and depression. i just wanted to make a scene. however, his civility spared me a fool. and in a mild warning tone, he reminded me of my self-control. after some days, i made an apology as well as my mind to leave. because things i had said, however bad, under whatever unfavorable conditions, i wouldn't have them taken back. my friend chose to forgive on the point of an immediate reply to my apology. But i knew it was but a impulse (i don't want to say improvise). our relation changed. the unhappy past is like a thorn buried deep. pardons couldn't remedy. the grudge would reborn in due time. i wouldn't want to see it uncovered and hurting anybody. that day, i lost two most important ones, you, my love, and my best friend.
now i am lying in bed, leafing through all my memories. it is like a winding river, water running to the termini with no return, occasionally traversed by one or two ramblers, making temporary ripples only to vanish in the ever vigorous flush. now that my love and my friend's images seem so remote. i know it is time to forget.
