The Fatslayer Chronicles

Today's Fatslaying Workout Nothing - but 70 minute walk/jog yesterday

Today's Weight 196.0 lbs

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I'm back, perspective restored, and feeling a little bit silly for making a mountain out of a molehill, if the truth be told.

I can now see the humourous side of my skirt embarrassment, and have told it as a funny story at work, where everyone thought it was an absolute hoot (of course). Hearing everyone's laughter has made me realise that it really isn't that big a deal - yes, at the time it was mortifying, but the only thing hurt was my pride, and if that's the most mortifying thing that ever happens to me I think I ought to count myself lucky.

Wendy's comment made my question my behaviour over the past few days since the wedding, when I've been back in the healthy-living saddle like a woman possessed. Yes, there is pride at stake, and a desire never to feel judged because of my weight per se, but I really don't think I'm driving myself on this week because I'm trying to impress other people.

I really don't, honestly.

I've realised (finally! boy, I'm a slow learner sometimes) that the people who are really important and whose opinions really matter to me love me whatever I look like, and regardless of the foolish things I do and the sticky messes I get myself into. Their opinion isn't capricious or variable, it's not conditional upon me losing another 20 or 40 or 60 lbs or whatever - it's based upon deeper things like trust and respect and love.

I could try forever to make the lecherous uncles of this world feel more kindly towards me, but hell, I don't give a flying fuck for the opinions of lecherous sleazy old tossers, and I'm not going to waste a second regretting that I don't conform to their idea of a desirable woman.

What DOES motivate me, though, is looking and feeling good for myself - so that I can enjoy the energy surging through my body, and know that I'm making the best of what the good Lord gave me. My body may not be catwalk quality, but it's the only one I've got and I want to do it justice, and not burden or drag it down with excess lumpage and blubber.

At the wedding I was surrounded by folks in their 70s, with diabetes (4 individuals), heart problems (3 individuals), mobility problems (4 - female, overweight - individuals)....and it bought home to me that I can't afford to slack off or backslide.

I think it crashed home so much because after being really good with the food all day - only one small glass of red wine and half a glass of champagne for the toast, vegetables and one potato for lunch, eating less than a third of my dessert - the skirt incident happened when I'd finally cracked and decided to go into the kitchen and help myself to a homemade chocolate flapjack.

There were chocolate flapjacks on the table in front of me in the garden, but reaching for one of those would have exposed me as a greedy-guts for everyone to see, when I'd made such a fuss of my new healthy living regime. Instead, my cunning plan was to sneak into the house on the pretext of opening more wine, and to scoff a flapjack when no one was looking.

This was why the furies punished me. Trying to avoid exposure of one kind (for eating a bloody flapjack for chrissakes. Go ahead, stone me to death!) I laid myself open to a much more humiliating form of exposure, and you'd better believe it pushed thoughts of chocolate flapjacks straight out of my head!

I swore solemnly to myself when I started this journey that this time I WOULD NOT CHEAT MYSELF. My vow was that if I wanted something to eat and I could justify the desire, then I would bloody well have it, loud and proud, and not sneak off to indulge my desire surreptitiously like some grubby knicker-sniffer.

But old habits die hard, don't they? I was starting down that slippery slope, so that's why I was taught a lesson, and it's not one I'm likely to forget in a hurry. At least if it gets me back on track and keeps me there it'll have served a useful purpose.