The Long and Winding Road
Today's Weight 204.5lbs
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I dug out my old weigh loss journal last night, and boy, it depressed the hell out of me.
In the 23 weeks between 1st Jan ‘93 and 11th June ‘93 I lost 57 lbs (an astonishing weight loss of 2.47 lbs per week).
Then in the following 44 weeks (to 15th April ‘94) I regained 31 lbs (a gain rate of 0.70 lbs per week).
Back in the saddle again, I lost 22 lbs in the 18 weeks between 15th April ’94 and 19th August ’94 (a loss rate of 1.22 lbs per week).
Then in the following 72 weeks (to 3rd Jan ‘96) I regained 37 lbs (a gain rate of 0.51 lbs per week).
My third attempt saw me losing 30.5 lbs in the 15 weeks between 3rd Jan ’96 and 17th April ‘96 (a loss rate of 2.0 lbs per week)
Guess what happened next? Yep, I regained 47lbs in the 428 weeks between 17th Apr ’96 and 25th Feb ’02 (a gain rate of 0.11lbs a week).
In the 35 weeks between Feb 25th ’02 and 19th Aug ’02 I lost 44.5lbs (a loss rate of 1.27lbs a week).
Then I regained 53.5lbs in the 119 weeks between 19th Aug ’02 and 5th April ‘04 (a gain rate of 0.45lbs a week).
In the 10 weeks between 5th April ’04 and 25th May ’04 I lost 13lbs (a loss rate of 1.3lbs per week).
Finally, in the 59 weeks between 25th May ’04 and me starting this latest diet on 15th March ’05, I gained 13.5lbs (a gain rate of 0.23lbs a week).
All in all, in the 12 year period between 1st Jan ‘93 and when I started this latest ‘diet’ on 15th March ‘05, I lost 167lbs, gained 182lbs and ended up 15lbs heavier than my original starting weight. I lost weight for 101 weeks, and gained weight for 722 weeks.
How fucking self-defeating and pathetic is that?
This is seriously, can’t-crack-a-joke-about-it depressing. Not only because I’m conscious of all the wasted time and effort, but also because the chickens are finally coming home to roost, and I see the consequences of that yo-yo dieting in a fucked-up metabolism, slower weight loss, and more stretch marks than you could shake a stick at.
At the age of 28 in Jan ‘93 I was already mourning all those wasted, blighted years – and now I’m 40 years old, 16 weeks into my diet, and as at today I’m still only 4lbs lighter than I was back on that very first day back in ‘93.
I’ve got to admit, this scares the hell out of me. Why should this time be any different? I don’t know what it’ll take for me to succeed this time. I’ve never succeeded before, not one lousy time. What the hell is wrong with me? I get so close….I thought my lowest ever weight was 166lbs, but I found out last night that it was actually 158lbs…that was a BMI of 29.89…I was finally only ‘overweight’ at last…and then I threw it all away. Aarrgghh!!
Every time it’s the same pattern. Weeks and weeks of conscientious, committed dieting, followed by a total systems meltdown. And prolonged meltdown, at that…week upon week of undoing all my good work, dismantling my fitness, destroying my metabolism.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I had some sort of death-wish, or innate desire to punish myself by staying fat. I'm pretty sure I haven't got a hidden agenda of that sort, though, so what goes wrong? Why is is just so fucking hard to do something that should be blindingly simple?
You say you\'ve never succeeded. Isn\'t having lost 167 pounds success?! That\'s what you did during this time period. Yes, you gained, too. Those were backslides, to be sure but they to not ERASE the fact that you have succeeded. If you hadn\'t you\'d be 167 pounds heavier now, right?
A couple thoughts/quotes come to mind.
One is about smoking, or leaving an abusive spouse. It takes many attempts at trying, before it really takes. Each attempt is a step in the right direction. And you do learn something with each attempt. For this reason alone, each attempt has VALUE.
Which also reminds about alcoholics trying to quit (which has a parallel with my WW experience): perfectionists DO NOT GET THERE. That is, the alcoholic who quits drinking one day, with no problem, never looks back? No sir, that\'s not the end of the story. EVERY addict has a lapse. And you\'re not really into the recovery until you\'ve had the lapse. Is this making sense?
Finally, an Edison quote comes to mind. Actually, I can\'t remember the *exact* quote, but I can remember the gist, and think that should do: Edison tried approximately 10,000 times before he finally got it right. (10,000! That\'s a *LOT*. I\'v ebeen on a lot of diets - but nothing like 10,000.) A reporter asked him how he kept going when he failed 10,000 times. Edison replied something like, \"I didn\'t fail. I figured out 10,000 ways that don\'t work.\"
All of our experiences contribute to who we are, even the bad ones. What will make this different this time? You, my friend. The sae reason the alcoholic can truly recover even though he\'s had relapses. The same reason the abused spouse can finally not just leave but stay gone, after several failed attempts. The same reason that that G-D frustrating light bulb project just wouldn\'t let Edison alone, and he just had to Try Again.
Hope this helps... Wendy