The Fatslayer Chronicles

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I've been having - ahem - a 'number two' problem lately , and have been on the lookout for foods that are a) high in fibre b) low in calories c) tasty and filling. Every day I eat the very delicious Weetabix Crunchy Bran (dry - it's horrid with milk) for both breakfast and supper (23.8g of fibre and 290 calories per 100g), and that seems to do the trick, but I've been looking for high fibre things that I can eat for a quick lunch. Eureka - I've found a fabulous new product! 

It's Sainsbury's Chunky Vegetable Chili Soup (found in 600g plastic tubs in the chiller cabinet) - and it's DELICIOUS! And not only delicious, but each 600g tub has only 332 calories and 19.2g of fibre. Yowzer!

I think you're only supposed to eat half the tub but I was hungry (oink oink!) so I ate the whole 600g - and man, is it filling! I sprinked on 10g of golden linseed (41 cals/2.8g of fibre), and had a wholesome, high fibre (22g!), reasonably low cal (373 cals!) lunch.

Now, my bowels (sorry - too much info?) will be happy, and if they're happy, I'M happy  !

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There is a hell of a lot of fat-fighting ‘literature’ out there, and my friend has read just about every wacko theory that’s seen the light of day. Last night she was telling me she’s starting a new diet that she’d read good things about (and which apparently her daughter has been doing for the past fortnight with astonishing success). The diet is based around drinking 100mls of fresh urine (preferably one’s own) first thing in the morning, last thing at night, and before every meal. This is supposed to [quote] ‘clear your system of impurities, and utilise the body’s own powerful fat-burning by-products to heal it and permanently alter its metabolism.’ [End quote].

My friend is an intelligent woman, and not normally prone to believing a load of bollocks, but where diets are concerned she’s as gullible as a two year old. And as mentioned in previous entries, she is suicidally desperate to lose weight, and therefore prey to every snake-oil salesman in the weight-loss market. She is frantically searching for a dieting holy grail.

I pointed out that urine is called a waste product for a very good reason, and that using waste to ‘purify’ is illogical and nonsensical. Like any evangelical new convert she was unconvinced, and she starts the new regime tomorrow. Even if she loses a stone a week, she won’t be able to convince me that this is the one true path.

I’ve decided that the crazier the idea, the more it’s likely to appeal to fraught fat folks everywhere. I may change career direction, and start making up bizarre new weight loss concepts for a living. Hell, why not earn tons of money preying on the wretched and vulnerable?

I thought it might take me some time to come up with a new ‘lifestyle’ diet, but hey presto, I’ve thought of one already, and it doesn’t even contain eye of newt or tongue of bat. To succeed with The Fatslayer Formula^TM all you have to do is make up an infusion of pomegranate juice, apple cider vinegar, liquorice root, linoleic acid, flaxseed oil and my ‘patented secret ingredient’, and take two teaspoons a day half an hour after every meal. There’s no need to do any exercise or deprive yourself of your favourite foods, and your fat will melt faster than the polar ice-caps and you’ll be skinny within a week.

Do you think it’ll catch on and make me a fortune?

Alternatively, you could just do it the hard way with fruit, veggies, whole grains, lean protein, complex carbs and regular exercise – but what’s so appealing or get-rich-quick about that?