The Fatslayer Chronicles

Today's Weight 187.0 lbs

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Is it just me, or does anyone else lie about how much they weigh to complete strangers or anonymous organisations who probably don't give two hoots anyway?

I've been reading up on mountain bikes lately, 'cos I need (well, OK, want)  a new one, and all the manufacturers seem to assume that just because you're 5'1" and want a 14" MTB frame, that you must weigh less than a dessicated gnat.

Because I'm so short with stumpy arms (don't ask!) I need the smallest possible bike frame, so as well as looking at the mainstream bike ranges, I've been ringing round lots of UK custom bike builders. Yesterday I was explaining my dimensions (height, inside leg measurement, arm length) to my 1st choice frame builder, and he was umming and aahing and saying he was sure he could sort something out for me (within my price range! I was sooooo excited!), and then he dropped a bombshell by saying that he thought lightweight titanium tubing and the Scareb fork would be the best options for someone my height 'cos they were awesome for riders under 130lbs.

My excitement evaporated, and my heart sank into my boots. Dammit, why does weight have to come into every bloody thing?! A pox on my porkiness! [sorry, I've been reading Shakespeare lately! His curses were so colourful!]

How much do you weigh? he asked.

Quick as lightning, I said "Oh, round about that, I think, certainly no more than ten stone-ish (140lbs)..."

Oh, in that case you'll be fine, he said. I'll pull you a spec and a quote together, and we'll take it from there...

I put the phone down and did some quick sums. Presuming I could afford his quote and stalled before placing an order, it'd be at least 6 weeks before the bike was ready. If I stalled some more before going for a test-ride of the finished bike I could stretch the moment when I'd actually have to meet him for maybe 8 weeks or so. That meant I only had to lose, oh, 6lbs a week or so, between now and then, and then I could go and pick up my new hugely expensive bike without fear of buckling the frame and destroying my new skinny-gal forks.

6lbs a week is do-able, isn't it?!?!

Then a bit of sense returned, and I decided I'd have to bite the bullet and 'fess up that I'm nowhere near 140lbs - six lbs a week was just impossible.

I phoned him back and was just about to come out with some elaborately convoluted explanation of how I'd just stepped on the scales and realised (how did that happen?) that I was 13st 5lbs not 10 stones and could he change his specs accordingly, when my mouth opened and I heard myself say that I'd changed my mind about going down the custom route after all, and that I was sorry I'd wasted his time, blah blah blah.

I sounded like a complete dithering idiot, and to say he wasn't very happy is a serious understatement! Mind you, I can't say as I blame him, given that I'd been on the phone with him for over an hour discussing everything from tyres to colour schemes.

So now I've made it impossible to go back to him - and he was my favourite frame builder! - and I'm mad at myself for not being honest upfront and saying I was "180+lbs but dieting", instead of reinforcing his assumptions that because I was small I must be skinny.

Damn, damn, damnit!!!!