I'm Revolting!
Today's Weight 205.0lbs
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I'm really excited to be getting some regular visitors to this blog - thank you all! I know I should be content writing into the void, but seeing the visitor stats and reading the feedback is really motivating and thrilling. I've gained so much inspiration and so many laughs from reading other blogs, that it's nice to be part of that wider community. Us against the world - TAWANDA!
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I'm feeling a bit philosophical today.......don't say I didn't warn you.
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There’s a danger, when you’ve been fat all your life the way I have, that thinness becomes the unquestioned holy grail, and that everything else has to be sacrificed in the quest for that one precious prize. By way of illustration, lately my thought processes have been going something like this:
”I’m 5 foot 1 inch tall, so that means that I need to be 132lbs for my BMI to be in the normal range, but I better not stop at 132lbs because that’s right at the very top and I ought to aim for lower, so maybe I’d better aim for 125lbs instead to give me a bit of a buffer, or better still, why not aim for 120lbs because it’s a nice round number and it means I’ll have lost exactly 50kg (or 110lbs) and my BMI will be 22.5 which is nicely smack bang in the middle of the range, or maybe I ought really to aim to be in the bottom half of the range, 115lbs or 110lbs, but what if that makes my skin go all saggy, maybe I ought to start saving now for a tummy tuck and batwing removal, ormaybeIshould
justhaveweightlosssurgerysothatI'llbeskinnierquickersothe
skinwillreboundmoreeasily.…”
Phew!
I caught myself doing this last night, and I had one of those sudden epiphanies when I saw myself clearly, and realised that this was not at all the way I wanted to be. I saw that I’d swallowed the whole sorry, shallow, media-fuelled bullshit hook line and sinker. Shame on me. Shame, shame, shame on me!
In most areas of my life, I like to make my own mind up about things. I don’t just swallow information without properly digesting it and thinking about it first – so why should weight loss and body image be any different? How could I have capitulated to the tyranny of the weighing scales and the BMI charts without first putting up even a semblance of a fight?
As an intelligent woman I should’ve known better. I’ve surrendered my God-given freedom to decide my own body shape destiny, and allowed the media to dictate my agenda. So now it’s time to start revolting!
I suddenly saw that getting obsessed by the numbers is just plain unhealthy and unnatural. Not to mention that it’s such a huge waste of time and emotional energy to wonder now (at 205lbs) whether I’ll be skinny enough at 140lbs or if I need to go to 120lbs.
How the hell can I possibly tell? And it it really so fucking important?
Since I was an infant in my mother’s arms, I’ve never been the correct weight for my height. At junior school I weighed 50kg (110lbs), which even now I’m an adult equates to a BMI of 21. So I’ve never known what it’s like to be at a ‘normal’ weight, and consequently I have no idea whether I need to aim for 110lbs, 120lbs, 130lbs, 140lbs and so on. The charts tell me I need to be under 132lbs, but the truth is that the lowest weight I’ve ever been as an adult is 166lbs, so getting to 165lbs will be a pretty fine achievement for me.
Wow, now I come to think of it, I felt pretty fabulous the last time I was 166lbs. I’d been doing a lot of mountain bike races, and had just completed (easily) the annual 58 mile London to Brighton cycle ride. I wasn’t exactly what you’d call skinny, but by the same token I was also far from overshadowing the Goodyear Blimp. I was beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin. I think this time around I’d lost sight of that.
Now if I can get back to 166lbs, I’ll be pretty damn pleased with myself!
I’ve got to start getting my head around the fact that if I feel foxy and gorgeous at 160-odd lbs, and I’m fit and energetic and healthy, that I should stop at 160-odd lbs, even though technically I’ll still be ‘overweight’. Hell, it's time to be a rebel and fly in the face of the received wisdom that you have to get to below a BMI of 25. Time to start thinking for myself, and make up my own bloody mind!
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Anyway,after deciding last night intellectually that I don't want to be too skinny, fate sent me a visceral reminder of it this morning, just to ram the point home.
I was one of the presenters of an all day seminar, and in the front row was a woman who was skinny to the point of emaciation – she was all big buggy eyes and tombstone teeth in a pinched little face, with collarbones you could slice cheese on and sharp little wrists, knees and elbows. She was wearing a strappy little low-cut crop top which showed her breastbone, and she had those awful bony horizontal ridges across the top of her boobs as if she’d had a griddle or washboard surgically inserted just below the skin. Very attractive, no?
When it was time to break for coffee and biscuits, I declined the goodies and fished in my bag for a banana and ate that, but she produced two radishes (with a flourish) and nibbled on them for the best part of an hour. Then for lunch she had two sticks of celery and one laughing cow extra light cheese triangle - and she left half of the triangle!
What the fuck?!
I guess I should be more sensitive and not take the piss out of someone who probably has a full blown case of anorexia, but honest to God, she looked awful. Besides, in my own defence I overheard her telling her friend that "overweight slobs should be steered away from public speaking because it's bad for the corporate image" - (which I'm assuming was aimed at me) - so that didn't exactly predispose me to think warmly towards her.
To conclude, if that's what skinny is, I'm having none of it. Nope, I'll get me some nice soft curves, and be done with it...even if it does tarnish the corporate image.
what you have to realize is she truly does have a disorder, obviously. you should pay no more attention to her than you would a heroine addict in the throes of her highest high (or lowest low). loved your description of this total bitch, by the way. it\'s the best thing she has going for her, sounds like.
oh well, let\'s just forget her and focus on US. we\'re much more deserving of attention! have a good weekend!
I think you are on the right track with your thinking concerning \"goal\" weight. At my start (roughly 230lbs, give or take a few), I set a \"goal\" weight of 175lbs initially. I could remember 175. I knew that I felt pretty darn good then. Once there, I realized that I wasn\'t where I wanted to be. So I kept plugging away at it. And I\'m still plugging away at it. I\'m not sure what the magic \"number\" will be and, to be perfectly honest, I really don\'t foresee there being one. I just see myself continuing along in my life, being active and eating healthy and living life. I remind myself that just two years ago, I was doing none of those things. That right there makes everything worth it, if you ask me.
Keep up the great work. I look forward to following your progress towards your own personal goal and cheering you on as much as I can.
Lee - http://bluezfire.org/mtg/