The Fatslayer Chronicles

Thank you so much for your helpful comments re yesterday's post - I am trying to do the right thing by my friend, without falling into the trap of trying to live her life for her or try to make her live hers the way I'm living mine (does that make sense?).

Sharing my concerns here helps me to clarify the issues in my mind and gives me a clearer way forward. I think the problem is too deeply entrenched for any quick solution, but I knew you folks would come up with some sensitive and helpful suggestions, and your thoughts and comments are very much appreciated.

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Two (skinny) women in the past 24 hours have warned me not to get too thin, and to ease off on the weight loss.

Man, this gets me so mad!

My weight loss has been steady, but not especially or dangerously rapid. It averages out at a fraction over 1.5lbs per week, and has been achieved though sensible eating and moderate exercising.

I’ve dropped from a UK size 22/24 to a (tight) size 18, and my BMI is still 36.2. Not exactly teetering on the brink of anorexia. I need to lose another 33.5lbs before I’m even officially ‘overweight’ instead of obese, and I have to lose a further 26lbs after that to reach a BMI of 25.

Jeeze, I’m not even 40% of the way through this yet, and folks are already telling me to quit before I make myself ill. What the hell is wrong with these people?

Realistically I don’t expect to be at goal much before this time next year. I’m shooting for 12 September ’06 as my reaching-goal date as that’ll be the 18 month anniversary of me embarking on this journey, but if I overshoot it that’ll be fine – I’ll get there eventually, I hope.

But if these recent comments are anything to go by, I’ll spend the next 12 months justifying why I need to carry on losing, and defending my decision not to settle for still being obese. That is going to be such a drag!

For one thing, one of the factors behind my obesity was complacency – the belief that I ‘wasn’t that bad’. How I could have decided that - when I was 5 foot tall and weighed 230lbs - beggars belief, but believe it I did.

So I’m concerned that if enough people tell me I’m getting too thin, that I’ll start to believe them, and slacken off. Dieting is hard enough when you’re fuelled by a deep realisation that something drastic needs to be done – but if I start to believe that the problem is solved, then keeping on the straight and narrow will be doubly difficult.

I don’t know if people are trying to be kind when they try to persuade folks like me that we’ve done as much as we need to. Maybe they are, or maybe they have a less altruistic ulterior motive. It doesn’t really matter. What does matter is not to let the siren voices lure me from the right path, because if I get lost it’s a nightmare to get back on track.

This has unsettled me a bit, because I’ve never been slim – not for one day in my entire life – and so I have no inner yardstick against which to compare myself. At the moment I feel quite skinny, but only in comparison to how I felt at 230lbs. If I could remember myself at 140lbs I’d probably be feeling really fat – but the last time I weighted 140lbs I was probably still in junior school.

So yes, I’m feeling quite skinny, though all objective observers would still consider me to be significantly overweight. It’s a dangerous dichotomy. If enough of those supposedly objective observers tell me that my perception of skinniness is correct, it would be the easiest thing in the world to believe them, and to allow complacency to creep in.

I can’t afford to be complacent. Not any more. I’m forty years old – there are only so many years that you can dodge the diabetes bullet, not to mention the cardiac arrest, musculo-skeletal damage and stroke bullets. I can’t afford to fall by the wayside again.

So I wish these people would do me a favour and stop tempting me to quit!