The Fatslayer Chronicles

Today's Fatslaying Workout 56 minute brisk walk. Rest of the day spent watching Live8.

Today's Weight 203.0lbs

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I am humbed and awed by the kindness of strangers. For my whole life I've been struggling with my weight, and by and large it's been a private battle. Kim is hugely supportive, but always has the slightly puzzled air of someone who's never had a weight problem, and therefore can't really understand how hard it can be - he wonders why this issue isn't done and dusted already, and can't get his head round all my backsliding. My parents believe that criticism, not support, is the best motivator, and then wonder why it seems to have the opposite effect than the one they intended. And as for flesh-and-blood friends, I seem to have a penchant for picking skinny ones, who can't empathise with any of the frustrations and emotional upheavals of a long-term weight loss programme.

This is where cyber-friends step into the breach.

The selfless support of the online weightloss sisterhood is just amazing. (I say sisterhood, 'cos we gals seem to have pretty much cornered the dietblog market. But you guys that are part of the community know I'm making you honorary women for the purposes of this post, OK?). Reading my blogroll is a daily touchstone for me - every day I find something inspiring, uplifting, enriching in the collective wisdom of the other people out there who are struggling with the issues that I'm struggling with, and doing so with humour, resilience, guts, grit, compassion and unflinching honesty.

Trying to turn your life around, and win a life-long war is sometimes mentally and emotionally draining - not to mention physically knackering when you're pushing your body to it's limits. And it can be a private, hidden, shame-inducing war too, as we plaster our brave faces on in public, and downplay what a big deal it is 'cos we don't want folks dwelling on just exactly what it is we're fighting. Knowing that there are others out there in the same boat, who will rally round to to cheer you up when you're feeling down or shake their pom-poms when you've a small victory to celebrate can make such a huge difference. I'm so grateful to the people who share their victories and setbacks with the rest of us - they've thrown out a lifeline, and are helping others to follow them down the same path.

I'd like to say a special thank you to Wendy. You're about 5000 miles away from me, but your insights and support have helped me so much these past few days. Your comment on my last post was so insightful, but I don't think I'd ever have seen that for myself. Maybe for someone else I'd have had that insight, but I don't think I'd have cut myself the same slack. I literally cried when I read it, because I'd never looked at in that way before - I've just seen 'failure', not 'learning experience'.

I'm just so close to this and I've been feeling like such a hopeless case. Sometimes (often!) it's hard to gain any real perspective on it. I've been going around these last couple of days thinking "What's the matter with me? Why am I such an idiot? Why can't I do something so simple?"

And the truth, of course, is that weight loss and maintenance isn't 'simple' at all.....it's complex and time consuming and takes guts and willpower and dedication.

I've been focusing on all the backslides and thinking it proves how useless I am - whereas maybe I should have focused on all the times I hauled myself back into the saddle and showed a little bit of faith in myself, despite my past backsliding record. Because giving up is the easy part - pulling yourself back from the brink is the difficult part.

And there's no doubt that I've learned lessons along the way - back in '93 I wrote despairing entries because I'd only lost 2lbs that week. I was eating 800 calories a day at one point so as to maintain my 3lb per week loss average. I was exercising for 4 hours a day. Now, a few attempts further down the line, I'm taking a much more sensible approach. I'm chipping the obstacle out of my way rather than trying to leap it in a single bound, and I'm sure that in the long run I'll be better for having taken a slower approach. Maybe I needed to be 40 before I understood exacty what needed to be done - I'm a slow developer!!

So thanks, Wendy, and thanks all you other bloggers out there. You've all helped me so much, and I dread to think how much harder this would be without the laughs and support. Every one of you is a shining star, and you should feel pretty damn good about yourselves!