The Fatslayer Chronicles

Today's Fatslaying Workout 1hr 10 minute brisk walk

Today's Weight 199.0 lbs

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What is it with some women? Why do they seem to think any man, even a bad one, is better than no man at all?

 

If any man called me ‘Bubble Butt’ once - let alone repeatedly – I’d kick him into touch so fast that his head would spin for a week. 

 

Oh yeah, and what were the delightful alternatives? Hottentot, Double Wide, Thunder Thighs, Lard Arse – you bet we’ve heard ‘em all this weekend, uttered by the neanderthal moron who’s staying with us at the moment, and directed at his lovely (though patently stupid) fiancée.

 

Isn’t life just grand when you hold your SO’s lifelong pal in such high regard?

 

K, thankfully, is just as horrified at the chauvinistic crap his mate spouts as I am, but he thinks we should ignore it and not interfere. He and Ty have only recently got reacquainted after fifteen years of little contact, and K (who has few friends and gets a little lonely from time to time) doesn’t want to rock the boat. I’m in the mood to capsize the fucking thing completely!

 

I think we should tell him to shut the fuck up, especially when he’s a guest in our house.

 

I also think we should tell the fiancée to grow a backbone and stop letting him wipe his feet all over her – but then that’s just me. Maybe she likes being treated like shit by a loser deadbeat who tells her she’s lucky to have him because no other man would tolerate such a fat cow (yeah, right, her BMI is 24, she can’t be too fucking choosy, can she?)

 

Deep breath….deep breath….

 

Can you tell I’m mad?

 

Hell, I’m not just mad, I’m SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF LIKE YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE!

 

Call me naïve, but I never realised guys like that existed. Not these days. Twenty five years ago there were more of them around than you could shake a stick at, but lately they seem to have been supplanted by a more sensitive ‘new man’, who has the sense to keep his drivel to himself.

 

Even my sister’s husband has mellowed recently, so there must have been some sort of chauvinistic sea-change. This was the guy who reduced my sis to tears 25 years ago, when he said she was too ugly to have sex with – the arsehole literally made her put a bag on her head, until my dad heard about it and threatened to break his kneecaps. Lately he’s even stopped cracking solar eclipse ‘jokes’ every time she walks past a window, so things must be looking up.

 

K’s friend is 42, and his fiancée is 30. He’s a builder and she’s a police inspector in an anti-paedophile unit. He left school at 16, while she’s a law graduate with a post-doctoral degree in psychology. He’s lazy and slobbish and falls asleep on the sofa in his underpants every evening after dinner like Homer Simpson, while she’s fit and healthy and works out regularly.

 

Naturally, then, he thinks she’s lucky to have him – and she seems to agree.

 

WTF????

 

When she’s not around to poke fun at and generally belittle, he’s actually quite funny, intelligent and charming – there seems to be some kind of Jeckyll and Hyde thing going on. He hasn’t had much luck with women in the past (jeeze, what a shocker!), and K’s pop-psychology interpretation is that he’s ‘showing off’ in front of me and K, and that behind closed doors he’s probably not half so bad.

 

Hmm….I’m not convinced.

 

For one thing, you’d have to be pretty dumb to think it’s impressive to humiliate and degrade someone that loves you, and for another, why would he feel the need to do that when K and I patently have a much more equal and rounded relationship?

 

If I hear him make one more crack about fat chicks all bets are off, and he’ll find out the hard way that you can pack a pretty good wallop when you’re carrying eighty extra pounds.

 

Hell, I knew there must be a reason for doing all that upper-body weight training!