Anonymity
Today's Weight 183.5 lbs
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Eagle-eyed readers of this blog may have noticed that I’ve gone back to the very beginning and edited out every reference (names, locations, photos etc.) that could identify me in any way to anyone of my acquaintance who happens to stumble across this blog.
In case you’re wondering why I’m so keen to be anonymous, let me explain.
A while back I wrote a post about my friend, and the struggles she was experiencing with her weight. Well, at the weekend she attempted suicide, four years to the day after one of her twin brothers took his own life. Though I’m relieved to report that the attempt was unsuccessful, it made me realise the huge burdens my friend is carrying at the moment, and it seemed suddenly unforgivably insensitive to write about her without her consent in a blog that could easily identify me – and through me, her.
Her daughter told me she’s been obsessing more and more about her size (which is the biggest it’s ever been), and spiralling deeper and deeper into depression. She’s started spending hours on the internet every day reading diet message boards, chatting in diet chat rooms, reading fat blogs etc. in an attempt to motivate herself into action. The fact that as a catalyst this isn’t working seems to have been the last straw.
It struck me that while the whole point of this blog is to be (sometimes painfully) honest about my own struggles and experiences, it isn’t fair to air other people’s struggles in a public forum. If my friend were to stumble across this site and recognise me, and the fact that I was revealing some of her most private, shameful secrets, she’d be absolutely mortified.
Consequently, I had to choose between a) trying to throw folks off the scent through anonymity b) locking/password protecting the blog c) quitting writing it altogether.
I chose the first one.
That’s pretty much all I’ve got to say today. I’d like to write something profound, but frankly I feel numb and sick to my stomach. My friend’s pain and unhappiness are so raw – and all the more sad for having at their root something so seemingly superficial and unimportant as the fact that she’s fat.
It shouldn’t matter, should it? It shouldn’t be important. It shouldn’t define her and crowd out all the positives in her life. It shouldn’t make her hate herself, or wish she were dead.
I feel so angry and upset and furious and sad and mad and just downright depressed that I live in a society where something as trivial and shallow as what you look like takes on such a weighty significance. Something is seriously wrong when someone would rather be dead than face another day being fat.
OK, that's enough for today.
My boyfriend has also been suicidal in the past, so I have some idea of how you might feel. Like your sister, he has lots of positive qualities and it just seems so unfair that someone so lovely shouldn\'t be able to see it, to the extent of wanting to die. He\'s better at the moment, and I hope your sister soon will be too.
Depression is such a hard thing to get a handle on - often the things that seem to be causing it aren\'t the real cause. There may be no real cause.
Anyway, I\'m waffling. But I\'m glad you\'re still blogging. All the best.
I\'m really sorry that things are so bad for your sister and I wish her a speedy recovery.
Take care.
Please don\'t beat yourself up about writing about her struggles with her weight. I think that part of the process of sorting out all the things that make us gain the weight and then have trouble keeping it off is examining how other people act, both positively and negatively. Sure, she\'d probably be upset to find out that you\'d written about her, but my recollection of the post was that you were genuinely concerned about her rather than being judgemental or smug.
Best wishes to you and your family.