Today's Weight 171.0lbs
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This post has little to do with fat-slaying so feel free to skip over it. I have something to mull over and as I don’t have a generic journal this is the only place I have to write it all down. This is likely to be a VERY long, incoherent and garbled post, so I advise readers either to jump to the next post, or bear with me in my ramblings…
I’ve written before about how weight conscious my family is, and how praise is dished out or withheld depending on whether weight is being lost or gained. Because it’s my turn to lose, I’ve been gaining lots more parental approval, and it makes me feel hugely uncomfortable and resentful. I don’t feel that I’m a better or worthier person because I’m losing weight and, by the same token, I tried hard not to feel like a worse or less worthy person when I was gaining weight. I don’t feel my weight or size are appropriate indicators of worth, and I resent the implication that my parents think that way about their daughters, and try to pit us against each other.
My uneasy feelings have been simmering over the past 6 months or so, but have come into sharper focus in the past couple of weeks. Firstly, my eldest sister (Sue) has manifested a lot of hostility towards the family in general and me in particular recently, and after my other sister’s (Jinty’s) wedding she flared up and told my parents that she never wanted to see me again, and that if I ever came home for a visit she’d make sure she didn’t come over to see them at the same time. I honestly and truly didn’t know what I’d done to upset her so badly (we were laughing and dancing together at the wedding reception), and when I phoned her to ask her what I’d done and how I could put it right, the only explanation she could give me was a) that 5 years ago on a visit to my parents for the weekend, I picked up a newspaper in what she thought was a deliberate snub to her when she was complaining to my mom about having had a bad day at work; and b) when Kim was in hospital following his kidney transplant, she offered to come and stay with me to support me, and I thanked her and told her I coped better if I was left on my own.
I apologised to her for having inadvertently caused offence, and reassured her that I do love her – and this weekend when I visited my parents she gave me a big hug – but the whole incident has left me really shaken and unsettled. I discussed it all with Kim and my second eldest sister (Linda), and their theory is that Sue is jealous and threatened by my weight loss, and lashing out in fear and anger because of her own self-hatred and unhappiness. Certainly she told my parents that she hates herself, and her lack of self-esteem is apparent in many aspects of her behaviour. At Jinty’s wedding I had an undue amount of compliments paid to me because of my weight loss, and Sue said she felt fat and hideous in comparison. So maybe that is the root of the problem – I have no real idea.
Anyway, rambling on, at the weekend Kim and I, and Jinty and her new hubby Stuart, visited my parents for the weekend, and my feelings of resentment and uneasiness came into even sharper focus. Both Jinty and I live 200+ miles away from the rest of the clan, (which is a large distance in England!), so we usually only visit 4 or so times each year. Sue and Linda live within 5 miles of our parents, but to have all 4 sisters present at the same time is a really rare occurrence.
All weekend both parents constantly sang the praises of Jinty, and fawned and gushed over her the whole time. I could see Sue getting more and more quiet and prickly, and eventually she simply left and drove home. My parents seemingly had absolutely no idea what had contributed to this latest display of unhappiness, and it was awkward for anyone else to explain that it was due in part to their Jinty obsession, when the object of that obsession and her brand new hub were sitting right there in the middle of it. My parents’ sitting room is crammed with photos of Jinty (11 of them!), and yet there isn’t a single photo of me, Sue or Linda, none of Sue and Linda’s children, and only one of my dead brother John – it is horrendously insensitive of them, but they seem oblivious to the hurt they’re causing to Sue’s self-esteem.
The favouritism is nakedly obvious, and for the first time in ages it really wound me up. Mom in particular was constantly commenting on how beautiful Jinty is, and how proud she is of her lovely daughter, so much so that I wanted to scream! Now I love Jinty immensely, and I agree that she’s beautiful, but it doesn’t mean that I love her more than Sue & Linda, nor do I think that her beauty makes her better or more worthy than Sue & Linda. But by the end of the weekend I was convinced that my parent’s bias is due primarily to the fact that Jinty is the only slim and attractive daughter, whereas Sue, Linda and I are plainer and have always battled with our weight.
It’s horrible to think that that’s the reason for their bias, but it seems the most likely explanation. Jinty has been successful academically and in her career, but I’ve matched her success in both those fields. Jinty can be pleasant when she wants to be, but Linda is unfailingly lovely and good natured. Jinty is ambitious, focused and driven, but then so is Sue. In short, Jinty is no more or less loveable or likeable or admirable than any of her sisters, but for some reason she is the adored and cherished one.
My mom used to rant at me as a child and teenager for being ugly and fat. “You should be more like Jinty”, she used to say, “Jinty is the only one that looks like me, because I was a beauty when I was younger. If I hadn’t had home deliveries I’d think the rest of you weren’t my real children…” All our lives my sisters and I have been judged against the yardstick of Jinty’s beauty, and found to be woefully deficient. Our parents are proud of her, and ashamed of us. They look at Jinty and feel a surge of pride, and look at me, Linda and Sue and wince. And boy, does it hurt!
And, honestly, it’s amazing that we all didn’t end up detesting poor Jinty, who never asked to be anybody’s favourite! Luckily she was far too nice to allow our parents silliness to go to her head, and we all loved her too much and were too level headed to allow jealousy to sour our good relationships…thank goodness!
I started to think that if beauty and weight are poor measures of worth, then what ARE good measures of whether you’re a good person or not? As a plain girl and woman, I tried to compensate for my inadequacies by demonstrating my intelligence. I figured that though I might never be a pretty or slim girl, I could damn well be a clever one! And over the years, intelligence has been my inner crutch. I’ve relied on it to shore up my self-esteem when my weight and size have made me feel ugly and worthless. I’ve relied on it to give me value and worth. Although I don’t think I’ve ever used my intelligence to deliberately undermine or denigrate anyone else, or to ‘score points’, I have to confess that on some really deep level, I’ve started to believe that clever people are in some way ‘better’ than not-so-clever people.
And this weekend I had the astonishing revelation that that’s simply not true. I realised this weekend that what makes people ‘better’ is not that they’re more clever or more attractive or more skinny or more wealthy or more accomplished or more successful or more sophisticated or more educated or more articulate or more athletic than the average person.
None of those measures are worth a jot. The only thing that makes a person ‘better’ is their behaviour towards other people. That’s the only thing that matters. Because when push comes to shove it’s possible to be clever & a horrible person, attractive & a horrible person, skinny & a horrible person, wealthy & a horrible person, accomplished & a horrible person, successful & a horrible person, sophisticated & a horrible person, educated & a horrible person, articulate & a horrible person, and athletic & a horrible person.
But what ISN’T possible is to be a nice person and a horrible person. The two qualities are mutually exclusive.
This dawned on me (better late than never!) this weekend, when I was idly observing Kim, Linda, Stuart (Jinty’s new hub), and Nicola (Linda’s daughter) talking together at the dinner table, and realised I was witnessing a humbling demonstration of innate, unforced and totally natural ‘niceness’, from 4 people who will never win accolades for anything.
Kim is handsome, but not to the extent that ladies will start knocking George Clooney aside to beat a path to his door. He’s poorly educated (not ‘thick’ as he thinks!), and he’ll never wow people with his erudition and outstanding intellect. He’s not outstandingly gifted at anything, though he is probably a better-than-average guitar player and in his day he was a pretty good athlete. He had a blue collar job until his kidneys failed (when he was 29), and since then he’s been my devoted and uncomplaining house hub. He’s endured 7 years of dialysis and 9 major surgeries with unceasing good humour and stoicism, and he’s faced years of ill health without ever complaining or losing his sense of humour. He’s unfailingly kind and generous-spirited (even to people who don’t deserve it), charming and unselfish, thoughtful and considerate…and he’s the person I love and admire most in the entire world.
Linda is my parents’ 2nd eldest child. Whilst pregnant with Linda, mom caught rubella (German measles), and Linda was born blind in one eye and with impaired vision in the other eye. She’s since lost most of her hearing and is registered deaf. She’s been overweight all her life, and not even her staunchest supporter would call her a beauty. My dad has disliked her (if not hated her) since her birth, and acts towards her with unmasked disdain and contempt, tutting and rolling his eyes whenever she says anything, and often walking out of the room if she tries to engage him in conversation. He treats dogs and complete strangers with more warmth, kindness and respect. Linda’s hub can’t work because he’s had a couple of strokes, and they hardly have two pennies to rub together most of the time. They live in council housing, drive a battered old car, their idea of a fancy vacation is to come and visit me and Kim. Yet I can’t recall a single occasion when Linda has been nasty or snappy or irritable or selfish. She was 15 when I was born, and yet she shared a bedroom with Jinty and me until she got married at the age of 30, when I was 15. She must have had no privacy at all, and having two little sisters underfoot all the time must have driven her up the wall, but she showed us nothing but total and unconditional love and patience, and she is still to this day totally devoted to us. She’s applauded our academic successes and career achievements with unstinting generosity, watched us ‘get on in life’ without a hint of jealousy or envy, been our staunchest ally and supporter. Next to Kim, she is the person I love and admire most in the entire world.
Stuart isn’t a handsome guy, and he won’t win any awards for his command of wit and repartee either. He has an inoperable brain tumour, and he lives under the shadow of repeated hospitalisations, life-threatening infections, poor concentration, memory loss, unsteady gait, seizures, and a constant chronic headache. He LITERALLY hasn’t had an unbroken night’s sleep since his tumour was diagnosed 15 years ago. He also can’t work (because of the seizures). He too is a pretty good guitarist. And he too has faced years of debilitating illness and the sacrifice of all his prospects with stoicism and good humour. Though I’ve only known him 6 months, throughout that time I’ve been overwhelmed by his kindness and good nature. He’s another of the people I admire most in the whole world.
Nicola is Linda’s only child. She’s 23 and is still waiting for her 1st boyfriend. She’s been very overweight since her early teenage years, and she has little confidence and tends to hide in the background. Last year she developed acute Crohn’s disease and almost died of septicaemia and related complications. She had to have a colostomy bag fitted, which she was told she would probably need for the rest of her life. Despite these setbacks, she shares Linda’s good humoured and uncomplaining approach to life, and she is unfailingly cheerful and good natured. She works like a dog at a crap retail sector job, where she has to put up with idiots making snide comments about her size. But she never says a nasty word about anyone, and she’s always a pleasure to be around, and guess what – yes, she’s another of the people I love and admire most in the whole world.
Looking at my family and seeing the good and the bad qualities has made me realise that the things that I’ve been using to bolster my ego and my self-esteem are valueless and wrong. I’ve got to break that way of thinking. Instead, there are higher qualities that I should aspire to, and I’m blessed with examples to follow and emulate right under my nose. So despite my simmering resentment about my parents and my confusion and upset with Sue, I’ve concluded that life is too short to be sour or to waste time with regrets or recriminations. It’s a bit daunting to think how much important stuff I still have to learn - I truly want to be a better person, and I’ve wasted so much time on the wrong path. Time to start running in the opposite direction!
[BTW, writing this it dawned on me that of us 4 sisters, 3 of us live with partners/husbands who can’t work due to life threatening illnesses. The only one that doesn’t is Sue, whose husband has never been ill in his life (thankfully). Yet Sue is the unhappy, discontented one, bitter about her weight and her looks and her (perceived lack of) success, whereas Linda, Jinty and I are much more contented and happy despite the ever-present worry of the health of our loved ones. Maybe living with adversity really does take one’s mind off the unimportant stuff…]
