The Fatslayer Chronicles

Today's Fatslaying Workout
55 minutes brisk walking (120+bpm; 460 calories burned);
Rebounding (to Green Day) 52 minutes (503 calories burned)

Today's Weight 208.5lbs (though STILL TOM!)

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I just got back from Sainsbury's where my trolley was crammed with healthy, leafy, colourful veggies and fruits, wholegrains and pulses, low fat diary produce and other assorted organic goodies. I didn't have so much as a chocolate raisin squirreled away under the healthy stuff.

I stood casually at the checkout, pretending that this was a natural occurrence for me and that I wasn't secretly bursting with pride - and whadday know, NO ONE came and stood behind me in the line. No One. Nada. Which of course is Sod's bloody law.

On the days I have chocolate and doughnuts and other crap in my trolley, I always get snooped on by the Trolley Police. You know who they are, right? The super thin Just-Popped-In-On-The-Way-Home-From-The-Gym-For-A-Mung-Bean-And-A-Shred-Of-Tofu Brigade, who sneer at the evidence of your lack of self-discipline and rampant gluttony, and rake you up and down with those x-ray eyes that see every lump, bulge and roll of fat on your entire frame.

Where are the snooty bastards when you're feeling virtuous, huh? Probably in the pub chowing down on peanuts and cheese cubes and sunday dinners, that's where! Well ya boo sucks to the lot of 'em!

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I hope I don't turn into one of those self-righteous snooty thin bitches when I reach my own goal. It's not looking too good though - I already have a deplorable tendency to compare myself against other people, and pass judgment accordingly. That person is skinnier than I, I have firmer thighs than she has, she looks fabulous in that, I have healthier things in my trolley than she does. And so on and so forth...

Like I say, this is a deplorarable tendency of mine, which goes hand in hand with the need to make myself feel better by thinking someone else is worse than I am.

Which is just not nice, is it?

I've already noticed a distasteful impulse to mentally distance myself from people who I judge to be 'not like me' in a dieting/fitness/healthy-living sense, and I must make the effort to nip this fascist elitism in the bud. My mind works hard to convince me that I don't naturally belong in the ranks of the fat and hopeless - that I'm just sojourning here (yeah, for forty years, heh heh) - and that it's just a matter of time before I take up my rightful place amongst the fit 'n' thin brigade. Trouble is, my body refuses to swallow this self-serving bullshit, and I just end up feeling like a total fraud.

I don't truly feel as if I 'belong' in that elite club (well, heh, heh, that could be something to do with the fact that I'm still 80lbs overweight! Well duh!).......and I'm not sure that I ever will feel totally comfortable there. There's always that secret fear that the thin folks will be merely tolerating me for sport, biding their time until my fat genes get the better of me and I revert back to my fat, slobbish, lazy, lard-arse ways.Then they'll laugh at me, and poke me with a stick.

But what the Hell, I never was much of a joiner anyway. I don't WANT to be part of that club! I can get to goal without looking down my (thin) nose at the people who I've left behind on the other side - can't I?

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What I must guard against is becoming one of those reformed fatties - the born-again-thin-evangelists - who hate to be reminded of what they once were, and who never rid themselves of the secret shame of having once been what they now ridicule.

That is SO not the sort of person I want to be.

I guess it's up to me to get my head sorted during this next year or so when I'll be working towards my goal, so that when I finally get there it's with a proper appreciation of what got me fat in the first place - and how easily I could fall back into the bad old ways and end up back where I started if I'm not vigilant and humble.

Today's Fatslaying Workout
71 minutes brisk walking (120+bpm)

Today's Weight 209.0lbs

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I've been wondering recently whether it's possible to be foxy at forty when you've been overweight your whole life, or whether I'll have to resign myself to being slim but saggy?

There are some GORGEOUS celebrities who are hitting forty in 2006 - my personal favourite, Amanda Tapping (from Stargate SG1) is forty in August. Who else is forty this year? - oh yeah, Sarah Jessica Parker, Liz Hurley, Joely Richardson, Kyra Sedgwick, Brooke Shields, Juliette Binoche (actually she's 41), Sandra Bullock (41), Courteney Cox (41) Laura Linney (41).

All those women are stunningly sexy and beautiful, but they also have one other thing in common - to the best of my knowledge, none of them have ever had a weight problem.

Now, I'm not expecting to be drop dead gorgeous when I've got to goal - or even beautiful. Hell, after a lifetime of being a dyed-in-the-wool plain-Jane I'd settle for "not bad in a dim light " !

But what if when I've lost my weight I look like the human equivalent of this?



OK, so he's cute, but how bloody depressing would THAT be?

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OK, so I've wasted 40 years of my life being fat, but at least I'm doing something about it! And 40 isn't THAT old, is it?

I realised that in forty years I've never experienced any of the following:

Being wolf-whistled (no, not even once ). I know as a modern woman I'm supposed to frown upon neanderthal behaviour, but c'mon - just ONE teensy wolf-whistle would be OK, wouldn't it?

Being chatted up on holiday (no, not even in Greece, where they'd shag anything with a pulse, for crying out loud!)

Being chatted up in a bar (at least I don't think so. I mean, I met my partner in a bar, but he didn't exactly 'chat me up'...)

Being asked to dance by a complete stranger (I know I'd rather be flayed with a knotted rope than go to a nightclub, but that's not the point! I did go - once - and no-one asked me to dance all night. I hid in the corner from sheer mortification!)

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That's just the tip of the ice-berg! I've never been skiing, never scuba dived, never been on a horse - or a donkey - or a camel. I've never done a parachute jump, or gone handgliding, or sky diving.

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But it's time to focus on the positives!

Hell, the world's my oyster!

If I'd been skinny and done all these things, I'd be jaded and bored by now, with nothing to look forward to! Heh heh...sitting on the sidelines my whole life just means I've got more experiences to look forward to!

TAWANDA! Life beings at forty!

Today's Fatslaying Workout
46 minutes bouncing (to Green Day)

Today's Weight 209.5lbs (still TOM)

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You'd have thought that since I'm a mature woman of 40, I'd have learned the simple lesson that if I get sand in my shoes, I should stop and take it out, rather than power-walk for 65 minutes ignoring the discomfort and pain, only to end up with a blister the size of Brazil on the ball of each foot. Doh!

Working a mere ten minutes walk from the ocean has it's advantages - such as lovely lunchtime walking territory - but sand is a bugger on tender-footed folks like me. Yesterday's walk left me hobbling around for the rest of the day, and made bouncing this evening a challenge to say the least. Serves me right for being so bloody stupid, I suppose!

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One thing this "journey" has taught me about myself is that I like my routines. I'd like to think of myself as a free-spirited, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda gal, but sadly it's just not true. I feel most comfortable when I'm in control - when I have my exercise planned (type and time slot), when I know exactly what I'm having for dinner (and breakfast, lunch and snacks) etc. etc. With my routines in place, a healthy lifestyle is a breeze. Any minor alteration to the routine, though, and all bets are off.

Crazy as this sounds, I'm already getting anxious about a Girls' Night-Out next Friday. It's a belated birthday bash, so I can hardly get out of my own celebration, but we're going for an Indian, followed by a drinking session, and I'm already worrying about the damage to my diet, my wallet and my liver. I know this is supposed to be a 'lifestyle change' rather than a diet, but my routines are like a security blanket - a night bereft of exercise, salad and water is my idea of a nigthmare at the moment. Now how sad is that...?

Today's Fatslaying Workout
Nothing (so far)...just got home from 13 hours at work. I plan on doing an hour's bouncing in a little while - honest!

Today's Weight 210.5lbs (still TOM)

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Didn't write an entry yesterday because I was pissed off after a long day at work (my first day back after my hols), during which I had to give someone the heave-ho. It was a well-deserved (and overdue) sacking, but it was still horrible, horrible, horrible! I am just NOT cut out to be a boss!! I came home with a stinking tension headache and only managed 30 minutes bouncing, but at least I didn't try to console myself with chocolate or any other forbidden fruit. That's a victory of sorts, I think.

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I walked down to the beach at lunchtime today, and just chilled out looking at the surf. I guess I should have been power-walking up and down the promenade, but it was just too bloody hot and sticky, and I couldn't be bothered. There's honesty for you.

Just as I was about to leave, two young women in their early twenties plonked themselves down beside me on the sea wall, and had one of those jaw-droppingly inane conversations that make your eardrums bleed.

They were discussing cosmetic surgery, and commenting on their (non-existent) flaws and flabby bits, and bemoaning the fact that surgery was so expensive.

One commented that you knew you needed surgery if you could hold a pencil under your breasts, which they both thought was not only "gross" but so extraordinary as to be almost beyond the realms of probability. I kid you not, these girls weighed at most 80lbs each - I've seen stick insects with more fat on 'em - and they had little nubs for boobs, as if they'd got a couple of fried eggs slapped onto their breastbones instead of womanly flesh and blood. (Can you detect the jealousy here?! - I've ALWAYS wanted to be flat chested!)

At this point I was tempted to flash them the old gals and demonstrate that not only could I hold a pencil under each one quite comfortably, but that I could probably manage to tuck a full 2 litre bottle of Coke under each one too...but I didn't think it was worth getting arrested over.