The Fatslayer Chronicles

Today's Fat Slaying Workout
55 minutes brisk walking. MAYBE taebo later if I'm feeling virtuous.
Today's Weight
211.0 (TOM)

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My clothes are definitely getting looser, so I cracked this morning and took my measurements. From top to toe I've lost 20.5 inches since I started on 15th March, of which 3.5" are from my bust, 4.5" from my waist, and 3.5" from my hips. Yowzer! It's such a boost when the measuring tape shows a drop, especially on a day when the scales have not been so kind.

I'm still at the stage of this weight loss lark when no-one is able to tell I've lost anything. The people I HAVE told are being very kind and saying they can tell, but my bullshit-o-meter tells me they're telling porkies. I know this, because it's the sort of thing I do myself, and you can't kid a kidder.

The first time a person I HAVEN'T told comments that I'm losing weight, I'll be a happy camper. Until then, I'll just keep asking K ten times a day if he thinks I look skinny yet (yeah, right ) until I bloody well get the right answer!!

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I don't know why I'm in such a hurry to get to goal, because maintenance is probably as boring as hell, whereas there is no buzz quite like the buzz of seeing the scale drop every week.

Whenever I'm on a downslope I feel on top of the world - my confidence soars and I suddenly feel fit and foxy and as if I could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Maybe it's the endorphins from the extra exercise, or maybe it's just plain ole' pride, but whatever it is, if I could bottle that weight-loss-vibe I'd make a fortune. Prozac, get your dreary butt outta here!

On the other hand, there is nothing quite so depressing as being on an upslope....especially when all those folks you've been bragging to about how well you're doing keep asking you how the diet's going.

Man, that's such a lousy feeling. From mentally leaping tall buildings one week, to wanting to crawl under the belly of a snake the next, with nary a whiff of maintenance in between.

I'm an all-or-nothing gal - I don't just fall off the wagon, I get trampled by the horse and run over by the bloody cart wheels! I'm either on the way down or on the way up - the term yo-yo dieter was invented for people like me, and maintenance has never come into the equation.

Pause for drumroll.........!!

This time is going to be different! I'm not stopping until I get to goal, no matter how long it takes me, and when I get there I'm going to learn to love maintenance. This is not negotiable!

Today's Fat Slaying Workout
25 minutes cycling
60 minutes rebounding (to Green Day) - cals burned 583
Today's Weight
209.5lbs

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I'd need to be 6'5" for my BMI to be in the normal range...as it is, I'm 5'1" and I've just dropped out of the morbidly obese category into the merely obese zone - yay me ! It comes to something when being merely obese is a cause for celebration.

I was watching rugby on TV yesterday, and when all the player stats came on screen I was as heavy or heavier than 90% of the squad - including the lumping great prop forwards who have at least a foot on me. *Sigh*. I'm 5'1" for chrissake - I should be PETITE, not giving rugby players and heavyweight boxers a run for their money.

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I'm thinking of splashing out on a new mountain bike, and I have my eye on this little beauty .

Only thing is, being so short I need to try out a 13" frame (my current Orange Clockwork is a 15" frame), and I'm worried about what the salesman guy is going to think when I try to perch my 209.5lbs on top of a 13" frame that is designed for *sigh again* petite women. I don't think it enters the manufacturer's minds that a woman of such modest height may not be of such modest proportions all over - what if I buckle the bloody frame?! How embarrassing would THAT be?!

This is a picture of human fat...

Nice, eh? I reckon this is about a couple of pound's worth. I have 100lbs of this to lose altogether, which is enough energy to keep a small nation fed for about a decade.

My body ain't big enough for me AND a 100lbs of fat, so the fat's just gotta go. Problem is, the fat's been around so long it thinks it OWNS the place! It doesn't lift a finger all day, expects me to wait on it hand and foot, and demands 3 squares a day. Enough already! It's definitely time to let the slaying commence.......

When I was on the UPSLOPE to my current weight, I felt like the biggest, fattest, blobbiest woman in England. I used to grab a hold of my love handles and shake them in disgust.

Now that I've hit my current weight on the DOWNSLOPE, I suddenly feel as if I can give Calista Flockheart a run for her money in the skinny stakes. Though I'm only 20% of my way to goal, I FEEL skinny. Ignoring the evidence of my own eyes - and scales - I lie in bed feeling for the first tentative outcroppings of bones - hip bones, breast bones, collar bones, rib bones, wrist bones - I'm not fussy which ones show up first. I've been waiting to see them all my life, and they can't show up soon enough for my liking.

Now, when I was on the upslope, I knew for a fact that cameras were tools of Satan and should be avoided at all costs and consigned to the innermost circle of hell. Being on the down-slope lulled me into a false sense of security - I thought I could take on the camera and win....foolish, foolish woman!

K was taking photos of me because we were in London, and it was my birthday. Commemorative photos for the album. I smiled broadly - OK, so I was forty, but at least I wasn't FAT and forty. Bring it on - I'm foxy! Then I spotted the double chin and - whoa - where the HELL did that come from?

In case you think I'm exaggerating, here is the photo he took...

Man, I need an extreme makeover!

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What is it about exercising in the fresh air? I cycled to K's mom's and back today (15 mile round trip) and when I got home I was so wiped out I fell asleep on the sofa for an hour. I wasn't physically tired - not exercise tired - I just felt as drained and snoozy as if I'd been on a day-long bender. If I'm like this after only a couple of hours in the sun, what the hell will I be like when we go camping for a week in Cornwall in August? I guess I'll just have to keep up my energy levels with plenty of cream teas and Cornish pasties....he he, only kidding!

Well, the bike's out of the shed and dusted off, I've just fitted my new Terry butterfly saddle, squeezed myself into three-sizes-too-small cycling shorts (that fit like a glove the last time I wore them back in 2002) and now I should be raring to go, right...? Wrong.

If I looked like the woman in this photo I'd be out on my bike like a shot, but if I venture out in aforementioned too-tight shorts it's more likely that I'll BE shot - or harpooned!

As every serious female cyclist knows, a good pair of cycling shorts are essential to protect one's - um - tender bits, but why do they have to be so skin tight, and hence unforgiving toward every bulge, dimple and fat deposit? I may as well just fit a neon sign above my head telling people where to direct their ridicule.

But I'm a mature woman, right? I can handle catcalls and sniggering...can't I? Besides, having taken ten minutes to get the bloody things on, I can't seem to get them off again, so I may as well just bite the bullet and get on with the exercise.

Update
Well, I went out in the Shorts-of-Shame, and though small boys snickered (not to mention the odd grown-up) I stuck it out for 30 minutes, and came home knackered, drenched with sweat - it's HOT here today - and with my leg muscles twitching from the unaccustomed exertion...either that, or gangrene and DVT are setting in from the lack of circulation to my lower extremities! Actually, after the first few self-conscious minutes, I started to enjoy myself. The new Terry saddle cushioned in all the right places, and I not only managed to brake without catapulting myself over the handlebars but also succeeded in unclipping my SPD shoes without requiring a trip to A&E. Huzzah!

I've decided to add cycling to my exercise rota, so that I don't get bored doing the same thing too often - I have the attention span of a gnat when it comes to exercise. I'll aim to do a couple of hour-long brisk walks, a couple of fifty minute rebounding sessions, a couple of cycling circuits and one or two advanced taebo sessions each week. Then maybe next time I post a picture of a fit, svelte woman in cycling shorts in this blog, it'll be a self-portrait!