The Looking Glass

ok so I read over my last few entries...and man oh man...whooo have I become??? I mean yessss im so hurt...and yessss im still in love with him ::BUT:: here I am weeping and wailing when hez...*in love*..

so ...no more of this sadness.... im just going to accept all that is going on...its life right..... ur cards get dealt...and u try and play them the best you can...

on a side note: i really like the song "crawling back to you" by the backstreet boys.....no reason....i just like the beat..

 

ok wow my rate of success really sucks...just when I think i can go out and change it all..... my bestfriend gets too bf involved.... lol *shakes head* well i guess its still all new to her so *hides disappointment*

 

aww shiuks.

 

 

 

 

" I just want you to know that I’ve been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there’s nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there’s a day you’ll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know"

-Backstreet Boys

 

 

Ok WHY do I insist on hurting myself??? I mean I know the more I read the more hurt I'll get...the more things I see that he's stolen from our relationship....the more mad I get at him...and yet I continue to hurt but not get mad....because I love him too much to stay angry....hence why the anger just simmers inside of me.....since when did I become such a doormat??????

FCUK!!!

honestly.... what the hell is wrong with me....he isnt coming back....hez happy with HER......FCUK!!!!....2 yrs...and we didnt even break up because feelings ended...we broke up coz of differences.....we loved eachother right until the end........so how has he forgotten all of that??? Today my eyes watered at the thought of him....which isnt exactly anything new....but...his cousins wedding......i wonder ....in the midst of all the love...romance.....promises for a future......who will he think abt?........me.....or her.....................

I feel like im in a movie....I cant believe im in this place where im the ex-gf who still loves her ex-bf....who has a new gf.......i dont like this movie =(

I want my boyfriend back......*MY* boyfriend....not hers....not anyone elses..... MY bf...

...but you know....deep down inside....i dont think he'll come back...he cant....it wouldnt work.....because of me........im too hurt by him.......ive lost too much respect for him......... i carry too much anger inside of me towards him.....

funny how even though i know all this.......i still love him...

 

Im back. I guess my life got a whole lot hectic than I anticipated so I didn't really have time to update my blog. I'm not about to even try and remember everything that happened but I'll do my best to paint a picture of my thoughts and feelings right now.

So its been about.... 6 months since my break up....and my ex-bf is going out with someone new.... She seems really nice and sweet but that doesnt make accepting him with another girl any easier.

Arghh... here I go again trying to sound like Im ok...thats my problem... I dont know how to be honest about how I feel.... ok let me try this again...

So yeah like I said....he's with another girl (and yes she really does seem sweet and nice).....but the truth is......ITS SO HARD FOR ME TO THINK OF HIM LOVING SOMEONE ELSE.........IT HURTS! (there! I said it..... I cant even seem to whisper it to myself in truth but its the not so hidden secret of mine). I'm so mad at him......how can he move on so quickly??? How can you love someone so much and just stop one day? I mean.... Yes I've met so many nice guys.....but none of them come close to him..... but I guess thats just it....people are different.....we all have different rates of speed when it comes to life...or in this case....moving on.....

I just hate the idea of him whispering "I love you baby" to her.... those words used to be directed to me.....his feelings were directed towards me...... and now....theyre being misplaced...in someone elses ears...

He's NOT her boyfriend....he's MY boyfriend....... she cant learn to love him in months the way ive loved him in years........she cant know what his love is like.......she hasnt been held by him.....hugged by him.......she hasnt had him wipe her tears away....she hasnt had him kiss her forehead..... she hasnt laughed so hard with him as they ran around in the park....or seen the look in his eyes as she feeds him........or the sense of calmness that comes with falling asleep in his arms......

Im sure she misses him when he isnt around.....but can she ever fathom how much I miss what I had with him....all the love that we shared......all the dreams we talked about...and memories we made...

She loves him because he is gorgeous.....because he makes her laugh.....

I love him because he knows how to make me mad.....but always does the opposite to make sure I will always smile.....I love him because there isnt anything I could do so wrong that would ever change the way he sees me....I love him because he knows me so well that he can find me even when Im hiding from myself.......I love him because he can put me through so much pain and yet my love for him never falters........... I now know what it means to love unconditionally.......... who knew it would be the most painful form of love Ive experienced to date.....

It really hurts to see another girl live my memories.......but there isn't anything I can do..... Ive busied up my life with useless frenzy to keep my days busy.....filled it up with faceless strangers to keep the hrs of the days moving.... silently wishing and praying.............. *sigh* when did I become this person..........

 

 

 

Alright so I guess I have feelings about this breakup that I havent exactly been open about with anyone but then again whats new, I'm a private person and other peoples thoughts really arent going to fix how I feel so why bother. And yes I do know that speaking about it makes you feel better blah blah blah i DO work in a counselling office so I've pretty much heard all that before...I guess this is my therapy...anonymously writing out my feelings.

 

Well yes...I am hurt. We were together for 2 years and he was my bestfriend. He was the only person who I let into my life, the only person who knew me so well...and thats frightening for me...to have someone that close to me...I'm a jaded person but he tore down those walls.....and now his actions lately bulldozed them to pieces.

 

It hurts that hez worse off than a stranger now...that hez changed so much that I cant even recognize this person who I used to love. I'm not denying that I love him...I do...well no correction....I love the person he was....who he is today...I cant stand it...the thought of who hez become makes me want to hurl.

 

Yes this breakup not only affected me emotionally but it bruised my ego, though yes it was mutual...but I put aside my pride and offered to work it out, but he chose single life, he chose flirting with other girls...he chose people he barely knew...and yeah that made me feel like shit...but thank goodness for my overconfidence :P ...I rock...and its his loss...bahaha..no really...I know I'll be ok...sure ill go through my shitty days, sure this story will leave me bitter...sure ill miss him from time to time or hurt that hez being such an ass and a half (yes thats my bitter side coming out =] ) ...but ill be ok

 

Thought of the Day: Its sad when ppl change and forget to tell those who care about them