Cracklin' Rose

My biggest downfall is my lack of physical self-confidence. It started in jr. high when genetics starts separating the pretties from the enhs. I had glasses and braces and about 10 extra pounds, so guess which group I fell into. Thing is, I didn't realize it until I overheard my friends talking.

They were spending independent reading time paring up the people in our class with their perfect mates. Everyone knew who the pretty ones were: Rhonda Samms, Kristi Luucas, Rhonda Claark, Angie Dunnawaie, and their male counter parts: Tracy D'wire, Tony Hiil, Mike Layne, Chris Parrnil, so they were no brainers. They'd hook up and have gorgeous kids. I knew I wasn't on par with them. The chances of Tony Hiil asking me to dance were low. But I didn't think I was too far below, C list at worst, ya know?

Well, the pairing summit continued and finally my name came up. I perked up, wanting to see who I was going to marry and make babies with. The A listers were taken, and the B listers too. We were down to the C listers (Troy [I crushed on him big time], Donnie, Doug, and Adam) D lister Geoffry. Obviously Geoffry and Stacey Haand were a match made in heaven so that left me with any one of the C listers.

Except it didn't. They paired me with Todd Daaum. An E lister if ever there were an E lister. He was mean and big and awkward for his age, and he had zits and bad hair and did I mention he was mean? And... he was just kinda... skeezy. Like, pervy skeezy. You could tell even the teachers were a little uncomfortable around him. Of course, now I can look back and see that there was a whole lot going on with Todd, home issues and probably some molestation, but then I didn't see it. All I saw were the zits and the bad hair and the odor.

And the girls said, "Rose and Todd are perfect for each other." Then they laughed and said we were both fat and wore glasses and smelled funny, and I bit my lip and went back to pretending to read Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.

I'm not sure if I'm getting the humiliation across.  I remember distinctly that burning sense of shame, the way I wanted to hide. More than hide, I wanted to disappeaer. I was pretty sure I didn't smell funny because I'd been wearing deoderant since 3rd grade and took a bath every morning, but they'd said I did. How could they be wrong? These girls were my friends. I hung out with them in lunch and recess. I got offended for them if someone looked at them the wrong way. It was hurtful what they said, but maybe they were right. Maybe I was a big, fat, smelly girl who deserved a life with Todd Dauum.

I never really saw myself as beautiful from that moment on. It's been 24 years and deep inside I'm still that embarrassed little girl. Sure, I'll have my moments of mirror love, when I like what I see. Sure, I have parts of me that I think are pretty (I like my eyes... and my calves), but I have problems looking in the mirror and seeing beyond the flaws. The weight. The chins. The aging.

I'm never truly comfortable in the presence of pretty women. Deep, deep down inside I don't trust them. I'm afraid that I'm going to befriend them and then suddenly at a Pampered Chef party or while trying on Mary Kay I'm going to hear something I don't want to hear. I'm afraid they're going to look at me and at J and whisper that I don't deserve him. That I'm not pretty enough for him. "Did you ever see a couple and wonder what he's doing with her?"

Scars run deep.

I have 3 daughters.

You know Rosie. Cutest. Baby. Ever.

Dee is our beauty. I know it's wrong to classify your children, to separate them, to identify them by their looks and abilities, but I have. She won the genetic slot pull. She's thin. She's athletic. She has wavy, bown hair, and large anime eyes. She's in the gifted program already and there's talk of skipping her a grade. She's a leader. She's v funny and people are drawn to her. I'm not sure she's mine. Maybe J had an affair. But I worry. I'm afraid that she's going to be a mean girl. I'm afraid she's going to permanently scar some little girl who hasn't come into her own yet.

Bear is my clone. She sees the world the way I do. She reacts to the world the way I do. She is gentle-spirited. She has friends, but she's more on the outside than in. She's smart, but she's not gifted. She's not athletic, but she tries because she knows it pleases us. She's chunky, but she's growing at a rate of about 3 inches a day it seems. She can sing well, but it's always softly, like she's afraid to be heard. She loves babies, and roller coasters, and has the funniest belly laugh. She is pretty, but she's definitely has her freaks and geeks moments. When she figures herself out she will be gorgeous. I just hope she never overhears mean girls.