Herb, I need a price check....
Mood: jus' fine
Listening to: Michael Buble's Home
So today the Bear and I went to the store to buy some ear drops and medicine because she says her ears hurt. I also bought some infant decongestant because I'm pretty sure Rosie's gonna come down with something soon. I dunno, she just seems off her feed lately. Then I decided that since I was there that I might as well buy some condoms. In the 8 months since Rosie's been alive we've gone through a dozen condoms. Well, 11 actually, as we were going to have sex yesterday and had everything in place so there would be minimal fumbling and then decided to nap instead. Best sex I never had. But anyway, I bought condoms and Meijer has this new thing at the self-scan where you demagnetize or whatever your items.
I swear I demagnetized the box of studded condoms.
MEEP! MEEP! MEEP!
Apparently not, huh? (And never you mind what going through a box of 12 condoms in 8 months says about my sex life. 2 of those months were off limits because of having given birth and one hellacious episiotome that rendered me a fartin' MACHINE! Also, J was gone nearly a month on business, so we're doing okay and I don't care if I sound defensive, I'm FINE with only have sex 11 times in 5 months. Fine I say.)
So, of course, rather than make a run for it like my inner shoplifter wanted I waited patiently while Hester the hearing impared Meijer docent went through my bag to find the magnetized item. She held the Dimetapp up to examine. Was it the Dimetapp? Nope. She squinted at the ear drops and gave them a shake. Nope, not those either. What could it be? The binder? Nope. The Ibuprophen? Nada. The bouncy ball I'd bought Rosie? Nyet.
"MUST BE THE STUDDED CONDOMS," Hester informed me. Loudly. In front of my 9 year old daughter and the patrons milling about. Most of whom I either taught or went to school with.
She held them up to the shoplifting sensor. MEEP! MEEP! MEEP! Not that that would draw any more attention to me or my vanilla-kink bend or anything.
"YEP," she announced proudly. "IT'S THESE HERE LIFESTYLE CONDOMS WITH THE STUDS ON THEM THAT'S THE PROBLEM."
It was a Mr. Mom moment. "Herb, I need a price check on these ladies Stayfree Maxipad -" "-S'alright, Herb, really."
I think I need to re-evaluate my life. 11 condoms in 5 months, Mr. Mom (circa 1983) quote, open letters to Adam Ant? Yeah. It's bad.
**edited to clarify that now that I think about it, we've had some unprotected sex, too, so don't feel sorry for us. We're doin' jesssss fine. Awwww yeah.
