Cracklin' Rose

So yesterday was my birthday and I am now officially closer to forty than I am to thirty. I am also the exact age my mother was when she died from non-hodgkins lymphoma. My favorite cousin was also 36 when he died from non-hodgkins lymphoma. (How's that for being Debbie Downer -- which, coincidentally, was my mother's name. Debbie.) My grandfather (my mom's dad and my cousin's grandpa as well) also died from non-hodgkins lymphoma, but he was well into his fifties and we think it set in after a coal mine accident left his body weak, but I digress. 

So I approach this birthday with a little bit of trepidation.  If I can make it past 36, I think. Then? I don't know, but I don't want to suffer and die and leave my family at 36. 

I was 17 when she was diagnosed and 18 when she died.  I remember seeing her as so much older, so mature, and so worldly. Thirty-six... wow. So far away from me. Now I'm here and I don't feel old or mature and I'm definitely not worldy.  I'm not tired and ready to let go, the way I envisioned dying people feeling. Knowing what I do and feeling how I do, my anger that she died so damn young is flairing up.  And so is my fear.

Can you imagine? I don't know about you, but I still have dreams. I have things to do. I have friends that I giggle with. I still check out cute guys at the mall. They don't check back, but I still look.  I make up stories about running into celebrities and them falling madly in love with me.  When I'm alone in the mini-van  I turn up the radio and suddenly I'm in the recording studio. Because I am perpetually 14. I think a little part of me will always be 14 and I can't imagine leaving this world while a part of me is still so young and hopeful.  I wonder if my mother felt the same way.

On an upnote, despite the little doom and gloom shadow I invited to hang over me yesterday, I had a good birthday. Tea made for me by my husband, gift from Dee, markedly fewer snarls from Bear, lunch with my parents, cheesecake from my aunt... a quiet night in.  All very... just right. 

Not to mention the kick ass Birkenstock sandals and $$ my parents gave me :). Because I will always be 14.