http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight This is my Hell, the temperature is up...My world is on fire...And everything is falling apart all around me and I'm expected to pick up the ashes. Would you care to come and sit a stay? en CapturedMoonLight CapturedMoonLight Fri, 18 Jul 2008 06:49:53 +0200 daily 1  I want a husband, and kids...I want twin girls and a boy. I want a nice house on the beach...WHere I can hear the ocean every night as I fall asleep in my one true love's arms. I want to be a well known novelist, successful enough so that I can support my family, but I still want my husband to work(I don't know why).  But all of that is in the future. Right now...What do I want right now?  I want Jordan. I have Jordan. Kind of. He's swearing to the Gods and the heavens above that he will take me back...Soon. I hate that game. And honestly I don't want to ask why because I'm scared of the answer. I don't know what he's waiting for...But obviously he's waiting for something.  It's scaring me...It makes my head scream GET OUT! NOW! RUN! Because it could mean that he's just waiting for another relationship to fizzle over.  Am I just being paranoid again? I don't know...I think so...But at the same time I don;t? Fri, 18 Jul 2008 06:49:53 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/What-I-Want./5678/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/What-I-Want./5678/  Because all my tears are gone. There's a gaping hole in my chest, and it hurts. A lot. I still miss Jordan...How stupid and pathetic am I? I would still leap at the chance to be with him, though he told me yesterday that he's already fooling around with a girl that he always told me that I didn't have to worry over.  I suposse it doesn't matter, he and I are very over.  I'm trying to put things together again. I don't have Annie, she's off being in love...She never wants to hang out unless her fiancee is doing something else. She was complaining to me the other day how she has an amazing love life but no friends. Friends require maintainence, dear, we can't be put on hold forever. Skitzo, Tweek, and Saido might all be moving to Arizona, which means I'd be losing my best friends all over again. Hopefully I'm moving out of my mom's soon though...Tiff, her fiance, and I are all hopefully going to get an apartment together...Two bedroom, pets allowed,... Tue, 15 Jul 2008 22:32:18 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/I-Will-Not-Cry./5677/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/I-Will-Not-Cry./5677/  As much as I would like to pretend that I'm special, that I have an amazing life ahead of me, that someday I'm going to be somebody big...I can't. I'm nothing but another ordinary girl. I've got so many stereotypical issues that I just want to fucking shave my hair of and scream I AM NOT LIKE YOU! Because I hate other people so much that I'd rather die than be like them. Though it's generally true that we hate in others what we dislike in ourselves. I dislike stupidity, laziness, ineptitude, meaness, loudness....Am I these things? Lately it seems so. Not lazy, persay, but my brain just stops working...Literally, I can't think at all. Maybe it's because I'm so distracted because of everything going on in my life. I really need to get far, far away from all this. The break up with Jordan completely threw me off, my flirting fling with Demon is over, so once again I am left alone. Fri, 04 Jul 2008 07:09:49 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Sigh/5676/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Sigh/5676/  I saw Jordan yesterday...Well, Tuesday since now it's Thursday.  It fucking sucked. I flipped out and starting crying hysterically and I wanted to go home but I couldn't. God I was stupid to think that I was strong enough to be able to see him. And now it's like we broke up all over again. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to date anyone. I just want to sit here and be sad on life and cut myself. Yep. Sounds like a plan.  And everyone just keeps fucking pushing my buttons. Mom won't buy food so I can feel myself getting pissy off of that. Annie is fine with her boyfriend, excuse me FIANCE, one second and then fighting with him next and it is absolutely imparitive that she goes to see him. My friends are all distant and cranky...I fucking hate people! Everyone! I want a new boyfriend...So I can forget. But I know that's not what I should have a boyfriend for. I hate everything. Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:17:23 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Blah./5675/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Blah./5675/  I hate this. Every song, every kiss, every time someone tries to get with me...All I can think about is HIM. Why can't I stop? Why can't I make him go away? I've had plenty of guys give me plenty of attention...I even have a friend that I was considering having as my boyfriend...But when I tried to tell him yes...My throat just closed up and my eyes started to water with the tears that I am too god damned stubborn to let myself cry. I feel like I'm living wrapped in cellophane...I can see everything, but I can't touch it and it's distorted. I can hear everyone talking to me but when I go to reply my words are cut off. Somehow though, a voice speaks...One that sounds remarkably like mine but isn't and just tells them to let it be. The voice won't lie...Not persay...It'll give the usual 'I'm okay' lie...But that's hardly a lie anymore. I'm trying to make myself believe it too.  But every night...It's him I think about. It's him I... Mon, 30 Jun 2008 00:06:03 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/When-is-this-going-to-stop/5674/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/When-is-this-going-to-stop/5674/   No matter how bad I think things have gotten...They always get worse. My fiance, the great love of my life, decided that we needed to take a break. That was devastating. Then we break up. Then he wants to be fuck buddies. That's enough to destroy me. My best friend is getting married and I'm not. My little bratty sister took my fan....Which was one of the few joys I had in this world. I'm fucking hullicinating even though I'm completely sober. Seriously...The other night my ear started gushing blood...I felt it trickling down my face and everything...It came away on my hand. But once I turned on the light to inspect and see if I needed medical attention...There was nothing. My blankets were clean, my hand was dry. I keep getting nose bleeds out of nowhere and for no reason. I seem to be living in a constant state of dead.  One of my best guy friends asked me out today. Awkward since I thought he was gay. More awkward since I'm still in love with Jordan. Another guy friend... Sat, 21 Jun 2008 09:42:55 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/What-the-Hell-is-wrong-with-me/5673/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/What-the-Hell-is-wrong-with-me/5673/  He broke up with me. He didn't even do it himself...He did it through my best fucking friend...He wouldn't answer my calls...My text messages...Just fucking ignored me. He hates me. Completely.  I've never had somebody I love so fucking much hate my guts...Want me destroyed so completely and utterly... I can't stop crying...My insides are so torn up....I just want this hellish nightmare to be over...I can't do this...And everybody is saying I know it hurts...Hurt isn't even half the world. Hurt doesn't begin to describe it. I'm dead and I've gone to fucking Hell... Thu, 12 Jun 2008 23:58:13 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Disillusioned./5672/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Disillusioned./5672/  I just need to keep writing...As long as I can write...I can pretend...I can pretend that the world isn't falling apart at the seams and I'm not left alone quaking in the middle of the rubble. I can pretend that there isn't some fat whore that I'm expected to fight....Not expected, but it's my...Duty for lack of better word.  I can pretend that Jordan isn't ignoring my calls...I can pretend that I don't care that today would be the day I graduated highschool if I'd only stayed in...I can pretend that my entire body is hurting, that I'm not near tears because of both physical and emotional pain. I can pretend that I'm not alone and that I don't want somebody near me just to tell me it's okay...I can pretend that I give a fuck about myself and my body enough to eat or even to shower...I need to keep writing...I need to keep my mind from thinking too hard...I feel so fucking empty inside...Like there's a giant chasm where all my vital organs should be and... Thu, 12 Jun 2008 19:52:22 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Pretending/5671/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Pretending/5671/  I'm so tired of this. I always feel like I have to be watching someone, monitoring someone, making suere someone is making the right choice. I'm fucking seventeen. SEVENTEEN. Why? Why do I have a best friend that is older than I am, and yet manages to get herself into situations at least seven times worse than anything I've ever done? Why does my boyfriend constantly worry me by telling me exactly what he knows will freak me out? Why do people threaten to hurt themselves? Why do they tell me how upset they are over this and that and how they want to kill themselves over it? Why do I have to be telling someone all the time that it's going to be okay? Why is it when I cry that people fucking turn their backs?  I can't do this. I just can't. I can't have my boyfriend worrying me to no end...I can't watch my best friend go off and party all the god damned time and woneder if she's getting raped or murdered or something else that would be incredably cliche. I... Sun, 08 Jun 2008 09:01:49 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/5670/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/5670/  I'm not quite yet 18...And I've fucking grown up. I know I'll never go to New York, or be a famous writer, I know there's no such thing as forever and that nobody gives a fuck except for me if even that. I know nobody cares if I'm happy, I know my tears don't mean a thing to anyone. I graduated highschool early, I got my DIPLOMIA, not some stupid fucking GED or anything like that. I have a job and even if I don't want to I fucking deal with my finicial responsibilities.  Oh? I'm fucking broke...Guess I won't eat. I gotta pay my phone bill. Guess I won't go anywhere either. Guess I won't get cigarettes, I guess I'm walking across fucking town or begging a ride. I guess I'm not going out to do anything, I guess I'm not really DOING anything period. I guess I won't get anything I want...I'll just pay the phone bill and hope to God that something happens so that I can have money for fucking food or the bus.  No matter how... Fri, 30 May 2008 00:26:42 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Grow-Up./5669/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Grow-Up./5669/  My heart hurts. My insides hurt. Everything hurts. I hurt. I don't see anything good right now...No reason to try, nothing to work towards...You know your life is fucked up when you don't even know what to pray for...When you don't know what you can hope for.  Jordan and I aren't going to last.  Last night we got into a big fight...Where basically he said I don't care about him and that I don't do anything for him. He doesn't understand that I do everything I can for him, I foresake all else to talk to him, I try to give him sound advice...When it's convient for him to see me I find a way to make it work...I'm not doing drugs...I don't hang out with anyone he doesn't want me to...What does he want from me? I send him pictures of myself when I don't want to, I let him do whatever the Hell he wants! And still...Still it's not good enough. Still I'm not good enough. Like always.  I'm a general failure at life.  I... Sat, 10 May 2008 08:50:54 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Hating-life./5668/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Hating-life./5668/  I don't think anybody fucking understands how badly this hurts. I don't think they can possibly fathom how shitty I feel every time I hear his voice or his name. You all tell me that it'll get better, that we'll get to see eachother, that things will be fine just a little different. Fuck all of you. You don't fucking understand. And if you want to fucking tell me how my relationship is going to go...FUCK YOU! I don't even want to fucking deal with this. I just want to go somewhere very far away. I hate this. I fucking hate how one stupid choice ruins your entire fucking life. I get to see my boyfriend, the person I love above else once a month if I'm lucky. And then all we can do is see a fucking movie. What the hell. Why? Because I fucking did drugs? I fucking hate you. Thu, 08 May 2008 04:09:54 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Disappointed./5667/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Disappointed./5667/  I hate everything. I haven't left the fucking house since yesterday. And then I only left for work. I'm not ALLOWED to leave the house til Thursday. And that's to go meet my goddamned bitch of a probational officer and then I have to go get checked for STDs. I really don't see the point in living anymore. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't think Jordan and I are going to be together much longer...We fight too much nowadays...And he's always saying something that really hurts my feelings. Not that it really matters because the whole apartment thing fell apart because he won't enlist the help of his mother. So I don't ever get to see him anyways. There's nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I don't have friends. I don't have family. I barely even have a boyfriend. This life isn't worth living...And anybody that dares to say that it will get better is a bold faced liar. I've been dealing with this shit for seven years now! Almost eight. When I... Wed, 07 May 2008 06:20:04 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Just-fuck-it./5666/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Just-fuck-it./5666/  I told him that I work 11-8. I told him what time lunch was. I told him I'd call him on my break. And I told him I'd call him at lunch. I was late calling him at lunch because Jason showed up and was talking to me...I didn't want to be rude...So he called me...Then only talked to me for like ten minutes. I told him I'd call him on my break...He didn't pick up. I texted him...He didn't text back. I left him a voicemail...He didn't say anything.I called him as soon as I got off...And he didn't call me back. WHY! Because he wants me to worry, and he wants me to be scared...And he's probably off drinking so that he can cheat on me and say 'Oh, well...I was drunk.' And then see how I react.  I can already tell you how I'll react.  At first I'll say it's fine...An eye for an eye. But this would be the second time he's been with another girl while 'in love' with me. So I'll start going crazy and asking am I really what he... Mon, 05 May 2008 06:05:29 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/He-s-Doing-It-On-Purpose./5665/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/He-s-Doing-It-On-Purpose./5665/  Today has been relatively good...No major fights, no major arguments...I cut my hair...I saw one of my friends that's actually a good influence on me...Jordan and I got along...And work wasn't even that bad even though I didn't want to go. I even got a ride home.  But something is very, very wrong. I can feel it...But I don't know what it is...  It has to do with Jordan. I called him on my break...We were fine, we talked...He said sweet things to me...It was all good. I told him I loved him and that I'd call him as soon as I got off work because I thought I'd be walking and he gets worried when I walk by myself at night. So I called him...And his phone was off. Okay, maybe he went to sleep? So I left him a voicemail and sent him a text message...He called me back about five minutes later...He told me that he was hanging out with his friend. Normally I wouldn't think twice about it...But he stuttered when he said it and he didn't tell me his friend's... Sun, 04 May 2008 07:33:57 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/I-have-a-very-bad-feeling/5664/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/I-have-a-very-bad-feeling/5664/  I keep trying...I keep trying and I don't know why or what for. What do I have to look forward to? What do I have that will really make me happy? I have Jordan...Whom thinks I'm a stupid skanky bitch but somehow still loves me...But that's it. I don't have friends...I don't have family...I got nothing. I have one person and I wish that could be enough...It would be if he wasn't so far away...If I could talk to him...If I could touch him....If we could just get together and work this shit out. Sat, 03 May 2008 18:55:33 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Meh./5663/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Meh./5663/  So much has happened today...Wow. Just seriously wow.  I got my driver's permit  Jordan and I are moving in together.  My sister asked me for advice on how to break up with her girlfriend.  and Apparantly I slept with my ex best guy friend.  And now I am very, very tired. I know I shouldn't go to sleep this early though...I think I'm going to anyways. I have a headache and my entire body hurts...Jordan probably won't call me for at least another hour. Sat, 03 May 2008 06:26:58 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Eventful-day./5662/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Eventful-day./5662/  Shit finally hit the fan today and now Jordan knows everything. He knows about everything I've done...He was pissed. He yelled and screamed but it was because he was hurt. He was hurt because I was doing shit behind his back and because I didn't talk to him about it. He was hurt that I was lying to him when he's never been anything honest with me. But how could I talk to him? How could I tell him that I'd lost control and lost who I was?...I couldn't. I tried to tell him that I needed help and he told me that yeah I did but I didn't need rehab. I was just depressed. Yes I'm depressed, but I fucking lost control. I lost myself and everything that I am...Is gone. I need to become someone or something again...I need to be able to do something. I need to get away from all this...But I need his help. Thu, 01 May 2008 23:57:56 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Addiction./5661/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Addiction./5661/  Nobody fucking understands! Nobody! I don't have any fucking friends...I don't have anybody I can talk to...Nothing. I'm fucking alone and everyone wants me to be more alone. Nobody gives a flying fuck about me and those who do only do because they don't fucking know me. I just want to fucking kill myself and have this over with! I want to fucking dig a razor deep into my skin and drag it down until I don't fucking feel anything. I want to choke on my fucking blood and die. And I hope I do. I hope I got some terrible STD that will kill me. I hope I have AIDS or something...I hope I fucking have something that would give me an excuse to fucking kill myself so that I wouldn't have to go through this stupid bullshit anymore. Because if I kill myself now...Jordan is saying he'll have Chris killed. This shit has gotten way out of hand.  I almost got jumped yesterday by a bunch of people. My best guy friend, Nick, is now my bodyguard and requires me to carry a knife on... Tue, 29 Apr 2008 06:49:15 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Rawr./5660/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Rawr./5660/  So let's teach a depressed girl a lesson. We'll teach it to her by doing exactly what we were doing before...Which obviously led to her poor behaviors.  Mom isn't letting me see Jordan. Pam isn't letting me see Jordan. This is all fucking bullshit!!! If I weren't so fucking unhappy all the time I wouldn't try to fucking forget the world. I wouldn't try to disappear and make myself forget everything. I just want to die. I want to go and kill myself and I actually hope I got an STD so that I CAN die.  Everyone fucking hates me because of this. Everyone. I hate me because of this....And my insides are so torn up right now I can't even cry. I can't...The tears are burning my eyes but none escape. I want to take a fucking razor and paint a permanant smile on. Maybe then they'd fucking understand...Maybe then they'd finally get that I can't fucking deal with this bullshit. Tue, 29 Apr 2008 05:28:41 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Learning-a-lesson./5659/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/CapturedMoonLight/Learning-a-lesson./5659/