Yup You Were Right
Well, those of you that said David just wanted friendship? You were right. Not because he doesn't like me, or so he says at least, but because of a whole lot of random bullshit. Honestly, I don't know why I'm so caught up on him...Or why I like him so much. I don't know why I wanted to be with him so badly. Audrey says it's because I need to validate myself...I suposse that's true(okay, fine, it's totally true) but if I wanted validation then I could date someone else...And I'd get it a lot quicker. There's no hope for him...I really hate myself for liking him. Hate myself even more for letting this hurt me. I knew there was no hope from the begining, so why did I pursue? Why didn't I just walk away? I'm so stupid...I honestly just don't care about life right now. I don't care if I wake up tomorrow and for all of you that think I'm being melodramatic over a stupid crush...You're wrong. I'm being melodramtic over stupid teenage depression. Maybe this is all totally normal...Maybe I'm supossed to think about suicide and cutting each day. Maybe I'm supossed to smoke and throw up and hate myself. Maybe I'm just like every other girl in the world. I don't know...I don't care. I just want to go away...Far far away. Anywhere at all...I don't want to be Kat in California sitting at her computer in her PJs trying to make herself not like a stupid guy and trying to tell herself that life is going to get better someday. Honestly...I don't see how it can. No one thinks I can do it. No one thinks I can go to New York and start over there and become a sucessful novelist. No one thinks I can do without college. No one thinks I can ever be anything I want to be. What if they're right? What if I really am just some worthless, codependant with no talent whatsoever destined to live forever in a city she hates? I don't want to accept that...But I have to. If enough people believe it...It becomes true. So I must be. I must be a failure in the making. I want to cut...I want to cry...I want to be the little miss perfect that I've chastined in my story. I want to be anyone but me. I don't want to be here...I don't want to be alive...And I don't want to be such a failure anymore.
