I cry through my skin.

 Well, it finally happened. Jordan and I are finally over...For good. I can't believe I was stupid, I can't believe I fell for his lies...No, they weren't lies. He's just not quite bright enough to be able to be in a comitted relationship. I don't think anybody is. I was crying all day...And I threw his ring in a trash can. I can't believe it...That after almost seven months...Right before Valentines day....

 Okay, so here's what happened. We're kind of a party couple....We go out, get fucked up, come home and watch a movie. Messed up version of the Saturday night date deal. We'd been doing a lot of cocaine...I know, it's bad. I don't give a fuck. I've fallen a long way from the last time I really posted. He'd been addicted before...But he said he had it under controle....That it wasn't really a big deal. So I believed him(never been addicted to yay before). And it turns out...He got readdicted. And I told him, you have to make a choice...The drug, or your life. I should have said the drug or love...Because that's what the real choice is. He chose the drug. He broke up with me. After he flaked out on a date and I waited up all night hoping to see him. Now, about an hour after we broke up...He got oral from another girl. As he's trying to get back together with me. That's just so fucked up on so many levels...That I can't trust him. I still love him with everything inside of me...And everyone knows it...Everyone knows that I thought I'd found the one...I'd thought that my hurting was finally over and that if I let someone inside of me they wouldn't destroy me. I was wrong again. Maybe it's not technically cheating...Probably isn't....But it means that I was so far out of his mind that he could ask another girl to get on her knees and suck his dick. Probably for cocaine. I don't care.

    It hurts. It hurts to know that he asked me to help him, he told me he wanted his life...He told me that he needed help and he couldn't do it by himself...Because it was hard, because that drug had so much power....And because no matter what he didn't want to lose me. The night he did it...He tried to get me to sleep with him. And something didn't feel right. I thought I was being stupid, I got so mad at myself for not being able to get over my past and make my future and present happy. No, what wasn't right was with he'd been with another girl and he must have subconciously betrayed himself or something.

  I wanted his babies. I wanted to be his wife. I wanted to give him everything I had and I wanted to have my happily ever after with him. No one has ever given me the feelings that he's given me...No one's ever made me want to let people look at me, or go up to strangers and talk to them. No one has ever made me feel beautiful...Or like I was worth something. No one has ever helped me get rid of all my inhibitions...And be who I am truly supossed to be. That was my one true love, and I know it was...And I can't ever talk to him again because if I do I know I'll just want him back and it'll kill me. Just knowing that I can't have him back almost killed me...Last night I came home well intend on either drinking my sorrows away or letting them bleed out.  I've held a razor to my wrist more times that I care to admit in the past few hours...For the first time in a very long time...I feel heartbreak again. I guess that's what I get for being the heartbreaker.

  My friend took me out last night...I guess he was worried...But he came right in the eye of it...When I couldn't feel anything. It was really nice to see him again, I hadn't seen him since we had one date way back in August. He drove all the way out to my town on Superbowl Sunday when he had work the next day...To see me and make sure I was okay. I was when he got there. Well, not when he got there...Because I was sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor trying to set fire to yellow flowers Jordan gave me the night we got back together without drawing too much attention to myself....But when we went out...I was okay for the most part.

    I have to move on. I have to get Jordan out of my life...He shouldn't be anything to me...He shouldn't be able to make me smile the way he does...Or make me feel the happiness he did. He shouldn't be able to make me melt just by holding me in his arms. And he won't. Does anyone remember what I was before? Way back before this all started? I'm putting my attentions elsewhere. I've slipped on my eating disorder...I'm going to double that up...Job performance also slipping....Going to work so much harder...And I've let my firedancing slide too....I have a lot of things to work on. Anything, anything in the world that can keep me thinking about him...Anything that can stop these tears from falling...Anything that can ease this pain...I'll do.