Why?
What the Hell makes me so special I can't die? I should be fucking dead right now. I took all the Zoloft pills I hoarded...And half a bottle of Tylenol...All and all I took around a hundred pills. Why aren't I dead? Because I had to get up in the middle of the stupid night...And throw them all up. I don't really know why I did it...I just wanted to stop hurting. It didn't seem like there was any light at the end of the tunnel and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life at rock bottom. I mean...Seriously...Look at me. I'm fucking nothing! I can't do any of the stuff I want to do...I won't be able to go anywhere in this world. I'm jsut another fuck up suicidal teen who's screwing up a world that's already in bad enough condition.
I broke up with Ken last night. I really didn't want to...But...It's obviously not working. We got into this stupid fight about the potential pregnancy...And one thing led to another and he got mad and I got mad...And you know what? I was just running away. Again. Running away from everything that ever has the potential to make me happy. I've just been feeling a lot more for him...More than I should. More than what I've allotted. It's scary...I'd just be taken over by the sudden realization that I hadn't seen him in X days and how much I miss him. Or I'd be thinking about absolutely nothing and then he'd pop into my head and I realize how much I loved him and cared about him. Not that I didn't do that before mind you...It's just more often...And more intense. I recognize that road...And it's a long fall to the bottom. I can't drag him down with me... He deserves better than that. Besides, he's always telling me how he's always getting all these offers from the girls at his work...I'm sure he'll find someone better there. I know it's for the best...But it hurts like a mother. I'm resisting right now calling him and begging for him to take me back. It was really bad last night though...He told me that he wants to help me and that he wants to help us but he can't unless I open up and be 100% with him...I guess that's when it really hit me how much I hurt him. He couldn't have been happy with me...If he had been, he wouldn't feel the need to help me.
I also stayed home today. There was no way in Hell I could face all the people at school. I was up most the night crying. I shouldn't cry...He'll be happier now and he'll probably go off and have the type of life he deserves. It just kind of sucks because now I'm not at all happy. And I've decided I'm fucked over for the rest of my dating career. Now that there is no way around me not being a virgin...Guys will want me for only that...If for anything. Not that it matters anyways... Who needs love or dating or any of that shit? I only end up hurting everyone I care about. Like Ken. At least, I think I hurt him....I'm not entirely sure. He didn't seem at all upset about it over the phone...Maybe he wasn't. He probably wasn't...This had probably been on his mind for a while...The only reason why he probably was still with me because of the slight possibility that I might be pregnant. Well, he doesn't have to worry about that now...Does he? I probably killed the baby last night with all my fucking medication anyways...Great. Now I'm an unsucessful emo, a whore, and a murderer.
Why didn't I die? I don't know if I'm going to try again...If I do...Maybe I should just slit my throat. I wish I hadn't broken up with him...I really love him...I'm really in love with him...But I can't let him know that. He's probably already over me.
I broke up with Ken last night. I really didn't want to...But...It's obviously not working. We got into this stupid fight about the potential pregnancy...And one thing led to another and he got mad and I got mad...And you know what? I was just running away. Again. Running away from everything that ever has the potential to make me happy. I've just been feeling a lot more for him...More than I should. More than what I've allotted. It's scary...I'd just be taken over by the sudden realization that I hadn't seen him in X days and how much I miss him. Or I'd be thinking about absolutely nothing and then he'd pop into my head and I realize how much I loved him and cared about him. Not that I didn't do that before mind you...It's just more often...And more intense. I recognize that road...And it's a long fall to the bottom. I can't drag him down with me... He deserves better than that. Besides, he's always telling me how he's always getting all these offers from the girls at his work...I'm sure he'll find someone better there. I know it's for the best...But it hurts like a mother. I'm resisting right now calling him and begging for him to take me back. It was really bad last night though...He told me that he wants to help me and that he wants to help us but he can't unless I open up and be 100% with him...I guess that's when it really hit me how much I hurt him. He couldn't have been happy with me...If he had been, he wouldn't feel the need to help me.
I also stayed home today. There was no way in Hell I could face all the people at school. I was up most the night crying. I shouldn't cry...He'll be happier now and he'll probably go off and have the type of life he deserves. It just kind of sucks because now I'm not at all happy. And I've decided I'm fucked over for the rest of my dating career. Now that there is no way around me not being a virgin...Guys will want me for only that...If for anything. Not that it matters anyways... Who needs love or dating or any of that shit? I only end up hurting everyone I care about. Like Ken. At least, I think I hurt him....I'm not entirely sure. He didn't seem at all upset about it over the phone...Maybe he wasn't. He probably wasn't...This had probably been on his mind for a while...The only reason why he probably was still with me because of the slight possibility that I might be pregnant. Well, he doesn't have to worry about that now...Does he? I probably killed the baby last night with all my fucking medication anyways...Great. Now I'm an unsucessful emo, a whore, and a murderer.
Why didn't I die? I don't know if I'm going to try again...If I do...Maybe I should just slit my throat. I wish I hadn't broken up with him...I really love him...I'm really in love with him...But I can't let him know that. He's probably already over me.
