Mood: Borderline suicidal
Why am I such a fuck up? Why can't I do anything right? Why is it even when I find the one thing I've wanted for so long...I have to go and screw it up by being stupid? Ken and I got into a pretty big fight last night...I don't know what about. I don't know why we fight so much...I hate it. I hate being stupid and weak and crying over a lover. It doesn't feel like anything is worth it...Not just love...Life in general. Am I ever going to get better? Are things ever going to get better? Everyone tells me all this is temporary...But they're lying! All the 'survivors of depression' I've talked to have gone through it for a year max...I've been going through this shit for nearly 6 now. That's the better half of a decade. Why aren't I getting better? Why aren't the fucking meds brainwashing me into a docile zombie like the rest of humanity? Why do I have to be this way? Why do I have to be a fat, fucked up, cutter? Why? What good comes from throwing up, not eating, and from turning myself into a cutting board? Nothing! I'm still fat...I'm still ugly...And I'm still trying to feel better. I hate being this way...I hate being so desolute. I just want to fast forward until I'm okay. Will I ever be okay? Am I going to be like this forever? Life just seems so...Bleak. It doesn't seem like there's any hope for it getting better...And I wish I could be like the optimistic little minions of society and tell myself that I'm going through a stage...That everyone goes through it...But I can't.
In your heart of hearts and the deepest part of your soul, what is it you need from yourself, and or others, to make you feel whole again and not feel so badly about yourself and life in general?
Don't cut yourself, cut an orange or an apple, but don't cut yourself. That act in and of itself will not fix your inner pain and suffering. I believe you will find your path. Now it is up to you, to believe in yourself also.
Do one thing a day that makes you feel good about yourself. Just start with one thing and write it down daily. Then look back on your accomplishments, knowing that YOU did them.
May peace and love find your heart and soul.
Aly