Whirlwind
I got half of my crazy testing today. That went alright...Although I think I'm quite literally retarted. They had an idenitify patterns portion of the test and a memory portion of the test...I was so bad at both of them. How could I be so stupid? I hate myself for being stupid. I never used to be. Oh well, I guess I'm not cut out to live in the real world. I guess I was always meant for the stupid padded world they put me in. The world where trying your hardest counts...Where yeah, you got the wrong answer, but you're crazy so we'll pretend you're right to help your self esteeme. I don't WANT that world! I don't want any world right now...I just want to drop over dead. It feels more and more like no one understands me...I mean like what Ken said the other night...He told me that I'd look better if I gained weight. I know he meant it to be sweet but he might as well have punched me in the eye. He doesn't get how hard I've worked to get here...And although everyone says I'm still losing weight...I feel more and more like I'm regressing back to the obese monstrosity I was just a few years ago. I don't know...Does this mean I'm getting worse? Or better? It doesn't matter...I try and I try to make things get better...But they always seem to blow up in my face. I'm so tired of it...I know I have some great things going for me...At least, I have my best friend and my boyfriend, but they can't always be there. They have their own lives and they need time on their own...Even if they didn't have their own lives, no one can put up with me for that long. I don't know...Everything is just looking hopeless and bleak right now and I'm begining to care less and less.
