I cry through my skin.

Jun 30, 2008 at 00:06 o\clock

When is this going to stop?

 I hate this. Every song, every kiss, every time someone tries to get with me...All I can think about is HIM. Why can't I stop? Why can't I make him go away? I've had plenty of guys give me plenty of attention...I even have a friend that I was considering having as my boyfriend...But when I tried to tell him yes...My throat just closed up and my eyes started to water with the tears that I am too god damned stubborn to let myself cry. I feel like I'm living wrapped in cellophane...I can see everything, but I can't touch it and it's distorted. I can hear everyone talking to me but when I go to reply my words are cut off. Somehow though, a voice speaks...One that sounds remarkably like mine but isn't and just tells them to let it be. The voice won't lie...Not persay...It'll give the usual 'I'm okay' lie...But that's hardly a lie anymore. I'm trying to make myself believe it too.

 But every night...It's him I think about. It's him I miss. It's him I wish were beside me. Not my almost boyfriend, not any of the boys that are flirting with me...Not any of my old crushes...How do I make this STOP? It's been almost three fucking weeks now! 19 days. I've been sober for 19 days, single for 19 days, and going fucking crazy for 19 days. I miss him. And what's worse is I'm going to see him Tuesday and I already know what I'm going to do.

 I'm going to pretend I don't care. I'm going to pretend that every time he looks at me it doesn't hurt. I'm going to act like I'm doing perfectly fine...Why? Why am I so fucking fake? Maybe I am the blue eyed barbie everyone tells me I am. Maybe I am just a lying, manipulative bitch...I just don't want...I don't want to be the weaker one. I don't want to be emberassed. I don't want to be the only one crying. And yet I know I will be. Why? Because I am too God damned stubborn...I can't let him see the weakness in me because he exploited it and hurt me. I can't be real because if I'm real then he knows exactly where to stab me next to make it hurt the most.

 I need to be more real. I need to let him see how badly it hurts...And maybe he'll leave me alone...Maybe he'll let me get over him for real. Or maybe he'll just exploit me more. I really don't know. I just...I think I need to do this. I think once I stop the games that it'll end.

Comments for this entry:

  1. aaaaa wrote at Aug 31, 2010 at 11:00 o\clock:ugg bootss career as a criminal comes to a screecugg bootsng halt with Monday's arrest, wugg bootsch was celebrated by Mexican authorities.ugg boots

    Since December last year, when one of the founders of the cartel, Arturo Beltran Leyva, was killed by security forces, he was vying for control of the organisation.ugg boots

    As the alleged head of the ugg bootstmen for the gang, ugg bootss ugg bootsgh profile - and catchy nickname, Barbie, thanks to ugg bootss fair complexion - made ugg bootsm one of the most famous cartel members and thus he joined the list of Mexico's most wanted men.ugg boots

    Born in Laredo, Texas, he moved to Mexico and over the last decade he had a meteoric rise to the upper echelons of the Beltran Leyva cartel, one of Mexico's most powerful criminal organisations.ugg boots
  2. oyepagesfans wrote at Apr 23, 2013 at 13:28 o\clock:13 Common lies that women tell.........

  3. gefleming27 wrote at Apr 18, 2016 at 17:00 o\clock:Does this site still work?

    Glenn E. Fleming, MD, MPH on MarketHive

Log in to comment:

Attention: many blogigo features are only available to registered users. Register now without any obligations and get your free weblog!