What the Hell is wrong with me?
No matter how bad I think things have gotten...They always get worse. My fiance, the great love of my life, decided that we needed to take a break. That was devastating. Then we break up. Then he wants to be fuck buddies. That's enough to destroy me. My best friend is getting married and I'm not. My little bratty sister took my fan....Which was one of the few joys I had in this world. I'm fucking hullicinating even though I'm completely sober. Seriously...The other night my ear started gushing blood...I felt it trickling down my face and everything...It came away on my hand. But once I turned on the light to inspect and see if I needed medical attention...There was nothing. My blankets were clean, my hand was dry. I keep getting nose bleeds out of nowhere and for no reason. I seem to be living in a constant state of dead.
One of my best guy friends asked me out today. Awkward since I thought he was gay. More awkward since I'm still in love with Jordan. Another guy friend of mine and I hung out last night...It was really nice but according to Annie he's completely into me.
And yet, I'm certain that tomorrow will somehow manage to suck even more. Annie went away to her summer cabin for the weekend so I am completely alone and I want to tear my wrists apart and make sure that I don't wake up in the morning. I want to run away and go sleep under a fucking bridge. I just don't want to be HERE. It's fucking hot, there's no food, the benefits are shower, bed, elecetricity and the pretty much general guarentee that a hobo won't fight me for my place to sleep.
What's wrong with me that I can't be happy? What's wrong that good things can't happen to me? What did I fucking do to make God hate me?...I really don't know. I wish I did. But I'm either numb, angry, or suicidal all the time now. I can't fucking do this. And the heat is making it so I'm feeling more fucking suicidal because I seriously would rather die than be hot. FUCKING CUNTFACED BITCH THAT STOLE MY FAN! I'm going to kill her...I've actually given serious thought to it. That's how I'm pretty sure that I'm completely mentally ill. That and the hallucination bit. I think I want to throw a brick through her window and watch it hit her stupid, ugly face and smash her nose. I hate her. I hate me. I hate the fucking sun. I hate my mom. I hate this life.
Maybe I do need medical attention. Or maybe I need to be back on drugs. My homicidal feelings were more subdued when I was thizzed out of my mind or too stoned to even smoke my cigarette.
