What's Left Of Me
Jesus. My Dad almost died. He got into a huge car accident in the Truck and he and Lena could have died. It was such a bad wreck...But they weren't hurt. It's a miricle. I'm so glad that he's okay...Why am I crying if he's okay? Why can't I speak or seem to breathe? They're okay...But it's like they're really hurt.
Other than that I've just been really depressed...There is so much shit going on around me and with me that I can't focus on anything. The school thing..It's just breeding so much conflict and anger...No one fucking gets it! I will kill myself if I go back there...And it seems like that's what they want because they keep pushing me to go back there. I want to go to school...I really badly want to...But I can't go back there. I guess they just want me dead. Or at least that's what it feels like. Ken doesn't get it either...He thinks I'm being weak for not wanting to deal with those kids. It's not like I can't deal with most people...Just not those ones. Those ones have known me since I was a kid, since I was in gradeschool...They don't accept me as me. They think of me either as the fat kid from grade school or the chick who fucks chicks. That's not me! I just keep staring at my wrists...I see how clearly my veins are mapped against my translusant skin...How easy would it be to just take my razor and go deep into it. I know it's not a good idea, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't feel like there is any light within the darkness.
And now I wish to ponder my boyfriend. I don't know it he's here for the long haul...He says he wants to be with me a long time...He talks about the future as though he really plans on it being real...About all the crazy things we'll do and the insane life we'll lead...He even talks about what things will be like when I start trusting him...Not if, but when. I know he puts up with a lot of shit from me...But I don't know how long...And I don't know if he really means it.I really want to talk to him about it...But I'm kind of scared he won't take it seriously...Or that I'll fumble my words and make it sound wrong so that it hurts his feelings or something. I just don't want to get hurt again...I mean, I really have strong feelings for him(I'm trying to avoid the L word...) and he could use them against me...I'm not sure if he will...He just has the power to and I hate anyone having that type of controle over me.
Other than that I've just been really depressed...There is so much shit going on around me and with me that I can't focus on anything. The school thing..It's just breeding so much conflict and anger...No one fucking gets it! I will kill myself if I go back there...And it seems like that's what they want because they keep pushing me to go back there. I want to go to school...I really badly want to...But I can't go back there. I guess they just want me dead. Or at least that's what it feels like. Ken doesn't get it either...He thinks I'm being weak for not wanting to deal with those kids. It's not like I can't deal with most people...Just not those ones. Those ones have known me since I was a kid, since I was in gradeschool...They don't accept me as me. They think of me either as the fat kid from grade school or the chick who fucks chicks. That's not me! I just keep staring at my wrists...I see how clearly my veins are mapped against my translusant skin...How easy would it be to just take my razor and go deep into it. I know it's not a good idea, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't feel like there is any light within the darkness.
And now I wish to ponder my boyfriend. I don't know it he's here for the long haul...He says he wants to be with me a long time...He talks about the future as though he really plans on it being real...About all the crazy things we'll do and the insane life we'll lead...He even talks about what things will be like when I start trusting him...Not if, but when. I know he puts up with a lot of shit from me...But I don't know how long...And I don't know if he really means it.I really want to talk to him about it...But I'm kind of scared he won't take it seriously...Or that I'll fumble my words and make it sound wrong so that it hurts his feelings or something. I just don't want to get hurt again...I mean, I really have strong feelings for him(I'm trying to avoid the L word...) and he could use them against me...I'm not sure if he will...He just has the power to and I hate anyone having that type of controle over me.
Reach for peace and comfort,
Aly