Mood: Anxious, depressed
I don't even know myself anymore. My whole relationship with Ken...It's so different than anything else I've had before. But, that might be because he's a guy. I'm going to spend the night with him tonight...Mom and John are out of town for their anniversary and he asked. I'm comfertable with him, I'm just not comfertable with me. I know that I'm supossed to be all cool with myself before I move into anything intimate...But, that's just not the way it's working. He says he loves me...I'm starting to believe he cares about me...I'm just kind of scared to let him know all the shit that went on in the past. I know that he needs to know why I am the way I am...Why I flinch when hands or voices are raised, or why I get freaked out when the topic of why I freak out about sex comes up...I confuse him. And I feel badly for it...But, I'm just scared to tell him...How can you tell someone that sort of stuff? Oh, yeah, by the way...I was hit a lot as a kid, my ex forced sex on me on a regular basis, and something happened when I was a baby that I really hate talking about but makes it so that I freak out whenever people start to touch me down there. Yeah. That'd just make him be totally and completely in love with me 'til time's end. In case you can't tell, I'm kind of worried about staying the night with him. Not the possiability of anything happening...I didn't tell you guys but that whole bit already happened and I was okay with it. I'm just....Kind of worried about sleeping with him, like actually sleeping. I know it's weird, but I get nervouse when it comes to having someone else with me while I'm asleep...That's when I'm most vulernable and they can do anything to me before I even know what's going on. Not that I expect him to do anything..It's just one of those old underlying fears. Two months ago...If you'd told me this was where I was going to be today...I would have laughed at you and told you you were insane...Now...I just wish I knew where I stand on things and what's going to happen next.
I hate Blogigo 2.0 too. I moved to bravenet instead. It's a pretty neat site. Although it's a bit to get use to. Hope you'll visit me there sometime though. You don't have to register to leave comments. There's even a little tag board if ya just want to say hi. :)
Http://Teri24NS.bravejournal.com
That's my address so I hope you'll pop in. As for the sleepin' bit, I know how you feel. It's hard to be that trusting. All I'm going to say is just do what makes you comfortable darlin'. Don't worry about the rest. I know easier said then done. heehee! Know that I'm here if ya want to talk. Yahoo messenger. My id is Teri24NS. Feel free to messenger me if ya need to talk. Take care of yourself. About school, I don't understand why your mom would make you go back if you're being abused? I would change schools. If you're over 16, you should be able to do that on your own without your parents permission. Good luck & I'll talk to you soon.
Lots of love & cyber hugs.... =)
~Teri~ xoxoxo
Love takes one step of trusting at a time and is earned over time. Love yourself and if he deserves it, in time you'll know if you love him.
Take care...
Hugs,
Aly