Web
Another bad day. I don't know...It should have been good...I got to hang out with Audrey...Only she was flirting with Nick the whole time. And then Skye is apparantly still in love with me...And is now trying to set me up with one of her friends for some reason or another. I've just been feeling pretty crappy about the way I look lately...Maybe I'm just jealous of Audrey because everyone is telling her how pretty she is, and how old she looks, and all that. It just makes me think 'and I'm not eve worth a passing glance.'. I mean, I know I'm not...I know I'm no trophey girl...I'm a thin girl with beautiful long hair and gianormus boobs. I'm just Kat. Fat, dyke cut, barely there breats, Kat. It's really little wonder David won't ask me out...Or anyone for that matter. Then agian, I know I shouldn't substitute other people liking me for me liking me. But it helps...You know?If someone likes you then there has to be something good about you. And then when someone likes me I always turn it into this whole long ordeal about how their faking because they don't want to hurt me. I should probably start taking my pills again...But they make things worse. They give me glimpses of happiness...And then the sadness seems so much deeper because you know what it's like to feel good and you know it's not normal to feel the way you do. Honestly, I think just killing myself would be the best bet. I just hurt people..And I just hurt myself...And life isn't supossed to be purely pain. Yes, pain lets you know you're alive...But I guess I'm too alive. I haven't even been able to cry...And I don't have the energy to cut. I thought my job would distract me...But it only accentuates everything. It makes me so much more aware of the happy world everyone else lives in...And then of the world I myself live in instead. And it tires me out to the point where all I want to do anymore is sleep. Unless a miricle happens...I don't think I'm going to make it. I don't even WANT to make it anymore...It's all so fucking hopeless. I'm stuck in my stupid web of hopes and dreams and none of it is going anywhere. For every web there is a spider...But the spider knows that I'm not worth sucking the life from...Because then it would just gain my pain. No one wants my pain...No one wants to be a part of my life because my life looks good from the outside but once you get in it...It takes your happiness away and you can't get out because you don't even have the energy to. Well, I know a way out...There's only one...I just don't know if I'll do it.
Suiside just opens a whole new bag of worms. I'd miss you horribly, and would bawl if one day you suddenly stopped writing because I'd know something is wrong. I would miss you very much, and it has nothing to do with the way you look, your age or weight, it has to do with who you are.