Waiting
Why is it life is always waiting? At least for me...I'm always waiting for something. The moment I have is never good enough...I'm waiting for something. Waiting for tomorrow, waiting until I lose the weight, waiting until I can go to the store, just waiting. I don't live this moment because I wait for the next one to come. My question is...Why? Why is it all waiting? Why doesn't there seem to be enough reason to live in now while being concious that the next moment everything will be different? It's true though...I will never have a moment like this again. There will always be something different. So, why don't I just enjoy this moment? Why can't I? Why am I waiting? For what am I waiting? Well, no, I actually know what I'm waiting for...I'm waiting for life. I'm waiting for time to really begin. To me, it doesn't seem like you're allowed to live life when you're young. Your comings and goings are controlled by parents, gaurdians, teachers, police...Whoever and whatever. There is always controle over you. These past 15 years...They don't seem to count for anything. How can they? They haven't been mine. They've been my mum's, my teachers, my family's....They haven't been MINE. My life has been controled by others for as long as I can remember. How can I call it my life even? That's why people get so mad when I cut and when I try to kill myself. Because it's not my life to end yet...It's theirs. When I cut myself...I'm not cutting myself. I'm cutting them. I'm cutting their life. I'm ruining their second chance at life. They want to share my life...But only the good things. The pain is my own...That's the only thing that is mine. Now, I'm forced to wonder...When my life truely be mine? When will I get a chance at living? The whole other people controling my life thing is probably a chain event. Their youths were controled and now they want a chance to live the life that they never got a chance to because no one would alow it. I don't want to be waiting anymore...But, I've never been anything but. I really can't remember when I wasn't waiting. I guess that's something to work out...Making right now good enough and not always holding my breath for tomorrow. I don't really know how to do that...But...I'll try.
