Unanswered Unasked Questions
How do you know something is wrong but you don't know what? How do you fix what's broken without knowing how or why it's broken? Can you solve a problem, and get the correct answer without knowing the question? What's wrong with me? Why am I always so depressed? Why can't I seem to shake this awful muck that settles around me? Why am I always trying to be better, trying to become perfect? Why aren't I good enough the way I am? Why do I always get so angry? Why am I so scared of people? Why, why, why? If I could have any question in the world answered...Any one at all...I want to know what's wrong with me. Not just surface, but at the very core of my being what causes me to be broken? I don't know how to solve a problem without knowing the question. The question is how do we fix Kat's ______? I don't have any vocab words...I don't have an answer book, I don't have a teacher that knows how to teach me. I'm on my own with this one...And unfortunetly, I don't even have a rough lesson plan or raw materials to create a lesson plan with. All I have is my suicidality, my self inflicted isolation, my self hatered, and the matera in my head 'This is NOT normal'. I don't want to be me...I want to be dead. I don't want to be anyone else though because I'm just such a fuckup that I'd bring my broken parts with me to whatever new life I'm given. No matter how hard I try...I just don't know what's wrong. I don't know why I'm this way. I don't know why I can't be happy...It's not for lack of trying...Although people argue otherwise. People say I want to be miserable, and so I am. I DON'T WANT TO BE MISERABLE! I want to know what it's like to be able to smile for real, I want to know what it's like to not have to debate about whether today is the day for dying, I want to know what it's like to talk to someone and actually know that they're there and that they're real and in the same world as you. I want to know what it's like to be happy. Audrey says that if I wanted it that badly, then I'd have it. That's just not true, I'm not trying to be this way. I'm not trying to be some attention whore woe is me teenage waste case. I don't try and think hateful things about myself, I don't try to keep myself away from everyone, I don't try to want to die. I don't...And nobody understands that. Everyone thinks this is all my fault...And I know it is because somewhere along the line I must have broken myself and been so neglegent as to not bother to patch it up so the break got worse and worse until it shattered into a thousand pieces. How do you put the pieces together if you don't know what it looked like to begin with? With puzzles you know what it's supossed to be...And there's clues as to where certain pieces go...But with this mess...I'm left clueless and any piece could fit with any other piece but in the end the product is still wrong.
