Mood: Depressed, and suicidal
Listening to: Six Feet Under...Ironic.
You know, today I feel really stuck in my life. I feel like I'm tied up and unable to move or even really breathe...Today has not been a good day so far either. At school...Skye
still can't hang out with me outside of school because now her grades are too low. Her mother wants to transfer her...But...THe jokes on her. She can't transfer Skye until senior year because it's too late in the year and there is a freeze in transfers between schools. Besides that, my own mother couldn't get me transferred for a whole semester and she works in the school system. I don't see what Skye's mother's problem is though. Why does she hate me so much? I'm poliet to her...I don't touch Skye or anything when I'm around her...I don't unerstand why she hates me. It's not like I turned Skye lesbian...I'm going to be in big trouble though. I slipped shaving and it left a big cut all up my leg...Everyone will think I did it on purpose. No fair...I try so hard to quit cutting...Not for me either, for everyone else who seems to think it's such a bad thing for me to do, and everyone still thinks I do it. You know what I realized as I sat down to go online? It wouldn't matter if I died. It wouldn't matter to anyone. I'm nobody in the world and I do nothing important. All I do is take up space, air, food and water that could be going to someone who deserves it...Someone who is going to do something with their life other than waste it away like I am. I really am a waste of skin, just like everyone keeps telling me. Maybe i should listen to Evette(one of my alters) and kill myself. The city would be better off without me...I'd say the world...But who am I kidding? I don't effect the world...I hardly even effect this city. You know, the sad of it is, I'm not scared of death. All my friends tell me that they're afraid of dying because they don't know what's on the other side...I don't know why it doesn't bother me that this might be it...That once I'm gone I might really be gone. Or, if I do get another chance at life, then I won't remember anything of this one...I won't remember anything of the manic depressive redheaded lesbo I once was. None of this bothers me or makes me sad. The only thing that makes me sad is how much I hurt people. I bring no joy to this world, only pain and suffering. Why stay alive? It makes no difference to anyone whether I'm laying in my bedroom or laying 6 feet under.
Don\'t think that you dying wouldn\'t affect anyone.
A few years back, my cousin committed suicide. We had no idea that he was feeling this way, he came around to visit us from time to time but never let onto the fact that he was so depressed. My biggest regret? I wish we had\'ve known, if he had\'ve said something, ANYTHING, even hinted at the fact that he was contemplating taking his own life, maybe we or someone else would have been able to help. I wasn\'t close to him, but his death affected me for a long time. Alot of people showed up to his funeral, probably people that he didn\'t even know would be there for him if he had just reached out to someone.
You are definitely not a waste of skin. Believe me, there are people out there who care about you, whether you know it or not. When I read your blog it makes me feel so sad to hear you so low, and I don\'t even know you!!!!
Just hang on, life will get better.
I know you probably don\'t believe me now, but hang on and you will see!!!
Take care of yourself!
LB.