The Worries of A Teenage Dropout.
Money. Friends. Judgement. Work. Love.
Money: I never used to think about it. I never worried if I'd have enough or too little...If I had money, I had it. I never thought about having it, I never needed it...I never had to borrow or loan...It was just...There. If I needed it, great. If I didn't, better. It's just bits of green paper. Unfortunetly, everyone is always demanding more of it. More which I don't have. No matter how hard I work...It's never good enough.
Friends: This goes with judgement. They don't understand me, they don't understand how I think or feel...I just feel soa lone all the time. No one understands why I tried to kill myself...They weren't even surprised. They're just like Oh, another suicide attempt by Kat. Woot. I dunno, I used to be able to rely on someone being there if I wanted a hug, or someone to cry to...Now it just seems like I'm always doing the listening and being cried at. I don't mind, I don't mind listening...I don't mind helping...But when I tell you I took twenty-one pills...I DON'T want to hear about the awesomely cute thing your boyfriend said to you. That's. Fucked. Up. Nobody seems to care, and if I try to let them in...To make them understand...They get scared. They don't want to hear it. They tell me it hurts them too much to listen...Too much to listen? I have it inside of me at all times...I'm never without it. It CONSUMES me. It's destroying me.
Work:Sucks. Hate Longs. Hate Longs. Hate Longs. Fucking always changing my schedual around...Always giving me the shitty hours because nobody else wants them. Thanks. Thanks a lot Longs. I'm looking for a new job.
Love: Don't hate me. Please. And don't judge me. Yes, I'm back with him. He called me while I was high outta my mind last night and I didn't think to tell him I didn't want to see him. Because I did. A lot. So we talked today, we hung out, and we talked some more. The drug got a hold of him...That doesn't make it right, nor is he forgiven by ANY standards....But I love him with everything inside of me...I love him enough to give him the chance he doesn't deserve to give Us the chance that we need. I love him enough to throw away my friend's respect...I love him enough to disappoint those that are dearest to me...I love him more than anything. And it hurts me...Deeply because I don't trust him. Because I'm scared of what he might do. But me being the masochistic little thing I am...Said...What the Hell. One more shot. Make it worth the time and walk away without any questions.
Never thought that this was what life boils down to. Me being with a recovering drug addict working a part time job I hate. Never thought that I'd drop out of highschool and graduate online. I never thought I'd be here, then again...I never thought I'd make it to be this age.
