The Witches New Year
Tomorrow is the New Year...I guess I'm conditioned to go back and think about all that's happened since the last cycle passed. It'spuzzeling really to look at all that's happened since this time last year. Although, something posative has happened...I think I'm starting to get better. I don't know why...I still cut,I still cry,I still think about killing myself...but not as much anymore. I've started to get better...After all this time.Although, ironically, I stayed home sick from school today. My eyeball is being weird and is all swollen. I can't help but wonder what the year ahead holds for me...I mean, look at all that's changed that I thought was always going to be. The most obvious being that I'm not with Skye anymore...And I cut off all my hair, I've lost weight, I'm on medication, I'm getting 'help' for my 'sickness', and I like schooll again. I never thought any of those things would ever happen to me. I've been given a lot this year...I don't think there are even words to describe how thankful I am for all the blessings I've recieved...Even if it was just by sheer dumb luck...Although I can't believe that. I have so many people around me who love and care about me...The best they can at least. And for that, I'm so greatful. I didn't have that last year...All I had last year was Skye...And she loved me the best she could, in the ways she knew how...Even if they did prove to be destructive in the long run. That doesn't matter. I'm not really left longing for as much as I was...And now I have no frickin' idea what's going to happen to me in the future. But the real question here is...Do I want to know? I mean...It'd be nice to see if I'm happy and if I become a writer and who I marry and how many kids I have and to see if I get what I want. But what if I don't? What if I never get married, so I never have kids and what if I'm not a good writer at all so I never publish a book so I never have enough money to make a better life for the ones I love and myself than what I have now? If I found out I don't get what I want...Then I don't think I'd want anything at all. I don't think I'd accept that I don't get what I want and when it turned out to be true I'd go kind of crazy because I'd spent all that time in denial for nothing. I don't know what the New Year will bring...Or if I'll be as fortunate this coming cycle as I was this past one...But I think I'm finally ready for it.
