I cry through my skin.

 I hate myself for being this. For being who I am. I am a waste of air, of space, of food, of everything. I'm not worth anything. I never thought I'd be here...Even when I was at the lowest points of my life, I never thought I'd be such a fuckup. I'm a frickin' highschool dropout! How could I let myself be this? How could I let myself slip into such an abyss and let people get so far under my skin that I left school? I just need to die. That's all there is to it. I'm nothing important...I don't make people happy, I don't DO anything, I just sit there and be fat and stupid and lazy. But you know what the sad thing is? I don't know what I could be doing instead. I'm just as bad as those bums who sit on the street corner and refuse to go get a job. ANd I hate myself for it. I'm going to go over the fucking edge!!!! I'm just a waste of space teen. I know the best thing to do for the world would be to kill myself...Things would be so much better without me...So why don't I? Why can't I? Why is it every time I pick up the razor to end my life I start to cry? I know those tears mean I'm not ready to die...But why not? What good is there to me being here? They keep telling me to just hold on because I'm going to get better...But I'm really not. I've tried to get better....And I keep trying...And every time I think I'm starting to make a little bit of progress...I fall right back down to where I was and sometimes even farther down. I'm tired of being shot down every time I try to get back up. I'm just tired of all this stupid, pointless depression. I want to be happy...Or even content...I don't want this to consume my life anymore...And I don't want to be a fuckup anymore...Problem is...Once you've become accustomed to being teen waste...Not too many people become something more.
 I guess maybe I should talk to my pill doctor about this. I have an appointment with him today...I still don't understand why he gave me a medication that was exactly the same as the one that I had before that didn't work. I guess I have to trust him though...Maybe he can help?