Mood: Depressed
You know...I figured it out. I FINALLY figured everything out. I don't love Skye. Isn't that weird? I don't love her...I love the idea of her. I love the idealized version of her...The one that I created to help deal with the crappy times throughout the relationship. Isn't that insane? I never truely believed that I'd be able to say it...I never thought I'd be able to say that I don't love Skye. You know what else I figured out? I can't have love. I can't have love because I want it. But I don't understand why. I used to think that a boyfriend was just a friend that you kissed...But...That's not true. It's a different somehow. A boyfriend...You can rarely entrust with your secrets or tell him how you're really feeling...It's rare to find a boyfriend who you can cry all over...Or drag shopping for something stupid like a new bra...What is a boyfriend? Just a boy...Just a boy who you kiss and tell you love. But in the end you always end up getting hurt because unless you feel love for them...And unless they are like a friend...It's never going to work. So you know what? I don't want it. I don't want to deal with that whole merry-go-round anymore. Whoever wants it...Can have it. It just isn't worth it. If I was meant to have love...I'd get it. I know I'm only 15...And I know that I'm still hardly living life...But...At least for now, I'm done with searching for a boyfriend. That's not to say that I'm done searching for love...I will never give up on that. However, I won't bother searching for it actively. Love will have to slap me across the face.
