Stupid Ugly Girl
I hate myself. I hate the way I look. Why do I have to be so ugly? Why? Why is it I'm born to a family of attractive people...And I'm the only one that turned out monstrerous? I'm pale...I'm fat...My eyes are too small and too close together...I have a big nose and weird shaped lips...And on top of that...I'm so stupid I dye my hair black. Why didn't I just leave it at red? Red is a nice, normal color...I had to fuck it up with black. Everything is black with me. I'm a stupid fucking emo. The next logical step in the sequence is cut my wrists and die. Maybe I will. I don't care right now...I hate myself for being ugly...For being stupid...For not having anything real to give the world. I don't understand where this down is coming from...I was in such a great mood this morning and no I feel like absolute shit. I'm not sure if this means the meds are working or if they're making me worst...Honestly, I'd rather not have any happy times than to have all these fucking down times that seem worse because I know that sometimes life is okay. And on top of that...The entire world seems dead set on me figuring out if I want to be super serious with Ken or if I just want to play around. My mom kept hinting how if he ever gets in trouble finacially I can have him live in my closet(my Aunt did that to my Uncle when they were highschool sweethearts) and pesters me about how I need to be more serious with him...Be sweeter, more romantic, and more cuddley. Sweet isn't in my personality. I'm a bitch. People need to get over that. Romantic is hard with Ken...I'm not sure how any of that sort of stuff would go over with him. I'm not sure if he'd tease me about it, get weirded out by it, or whatever. I don't even want to take that chance. Besides that, I'd be kind of embaressed to give him a love poem...I don't know why. I'd be embaressed to show him ANY of my writing come to think of it. Of course, I can't tell my mom that. And then my stupid books are all talking about how relationships or either really serious or their not and TV and movies are as well. So you know what? BLAH! I don't care, I don't want to listen to any of them..Any ways,no one should be serious with me since I'm so hidous and emo and stupid. How does any of this connect? No clue. However I'm about half a step away from going ahead and cutting my wrists. And if my mom pushes food at me one more fucking time...I swear to God I will.
Eat when your hungry. If you can't eat at a "normal" time that's alright, just have a glass of juice or water and wait till you are hungry to eat. Sometimes the signal to eat and the signal of thirst are confused because we have been conditioned to eat every time we have a inner feeling.
I pray you have an angel around you, who can hold your hand and guild you to happiness. Because you are a sweet tender-hearted girl who gets hurt alot, and you don't deserve to hurt like that, you deserve to be happy.
Much love and best wishes,
Valarie