I cry through my skin.

Mood: Heartbroken, suicidal, alone.

 I started crying today, and I couldn't stop. I was on my lunchbreak, smoking a cigarette, sitting in the spot I liked to and all of a sudden....The tears just started pouring. I couldn't stop thinking about him, or the things that are never going to happen again. I'm never going to get that white-hot feeling inside of me when I look at another guy...Never going to be able to just lean up against him and feel the world melt away. I'm never going to see those eyes again. Nothing, he's gone. And it was his choice. Because I wasn't good enough.

     What the Hell is wrong with me? Why am I so...Inadequate? What's wrong? Am I too fat? Too pale? Too ugly? Too stupid? Am I too loud? Is my humor off? Is my smile funny? WHAT IS IT? What's wrong with me that the only person I could actually see myself spending the rest of forever with...That he just ups and leaves that behind? He didn't even change his myspace status when he did it. That's fucked up. Again, I can't stop crying. I can put up a brave front for the world...But when I'm by myself I just crumple...Because it hurts so badly. And he doesn't care. He hasn't tried to call me, he hasn't read my emails...Nothing. He's done with me. He's done before he even knew I was done with him. He's probably with another girl right now...Drunk off his ass...Fucking her.  And I know I should be angry...But I am so hurt...I am so upset...That I can't. He just...He doesn't care.

    What happened to me? I remember the way I used to be...I used to date around a lot...But I wouldn't get too attachted...I wouldn't let them in to hurt me. But somehow this particular one got past all that and destroyed me. I'm left with NOTHING inside of me. It's all just hurt and pain and I want to make it stop. I want to make myself stop hurting. Mom even asked me...Has he called you begging for forgiveness?...No. He hasn't called me at all. Because he doesn't fucking care. He obviously never cared...If he can just shut it off like that.  And all this time...I was believing a pretty lie. I ignored everything...I ignored all the signs and made it so that we were a happy couple. Even if it was only inside my mind. And that's all it was too...Inside my mind.

   I know I can't talk to him. I know I can't call somebody looking for him...I know a million things...But I don't care. I'd give up the respect of my friends if I could just be with him. But I can't. Because he doesn't care. Maybe at one point...Maybe there was some time he was in love with me...But that died and I was the only one in it. How could I be so stupid? I hate myself for it. I hate myself for falling again. This HURTS. And I just want it to stop...I can't think about other guys, I can't even think about DATING....Can't think about kissing, hugging, touching...I can't touch anyone because it just reminds me that they're not him. And God...I wish they were.