Smile while you cry
Again, I should be happy. I'm now dating a really sweet guy, a guy who geniuinly likes me and who isn't afraid to tell me. A guy who thinks I'm something special. So why do I sit here, wanting to cry? I'm dating Gustavo now, only dating though...We're not going steady or anything. I'm really scared to get into a thing with him...I'm scared to let anyone in again. And then there's David. Why do I like that kid? You always want what you can't have...Right? I talked to over with Audrey...She wants me to go with David because he seems more stable. She knows that I like long term relationships and from what I've told her she doesn't think Gustavo is very long term. I should be happy...But he's already feeding me the typical lines that EVERYONE ALWAYS gives me. He's telling me I make him feel differently, that I'm the first girl to ever make him feel the way it is and I confuse him but in a good way. Every fucking guy. It's not possiable that I make every guy feel different than ever before, it's just not. Although Ken never said that to me, so kudos to him. Every other guy though, without fail. I'm not special, I don't do anything different than other girls...I don't say anything...So why are they all lying to me? Do they think I expect it? I'm a romantic...But I'm not stupid. I know I'm nothing special, I'm overly average...Under average in a lot of places. Gah, am I just looking for excuses to avoid something that might end up to be serious? Am I trying to avoid a relationship again? It hasn't been that long since Ken broke up with me...About 3 weeks now...Is it? I'm usually single for much longer...I'm usually still dialing their number and hanging up. I didn't do that with him though...I guess because I knew he really meant it. He really wanted it over. It still hurts...Which is stupid. He and I were only dating for a short time. I guess I'm just really scared. That's all it is...Simple fear. I just don't want to be hurt again, I don't want to lvoe again, I don't want to be dissappointed again...And that's all that can happen.I don't know if I'm ready to try again..But I really don't seem to get a choice. That's a bad start isn't it? Not feeling you have much of a choice from the getgo. I really shouldn't be so pessemistic though...I like him, he likes me, isn't that what counts? But there is a problem...He's an Aries. He's an Aries, I'm a Virgo. Those two just go RAAAWR and devour eachother. Maybe that means he and I will be a three day couple. Who knows. He'll probably find me boring outside of school...If we even hang together outside of school. Blah, I hate dating. THat's why I get boyfriend. But I guess dating is the pre-boyfriend test. Sort of testing the water to test the water...Ha. I'm a loser. A loser with a lovelife. A loser who's about to cry. I'm going to bed...I just don't want to think about what I did.
