Shoulda
Today should have been a good day...I should have been really happy throughout all of it. I got to hang out with Audrey all day long...And we went shopping and got some really cute stuff(I got some nice coverup and some sexy underwear that no one will ever see because I'm a single loser and some gloves). I had fun, we even got hit on by a couple of guys....But I still wasn't happy. My question...Why? Everything around me should be getting better...People keep telling me what an absolute knockout I am...My old best friend doesn't seem to completely hate me anymore...I have a frickin' job interview...What's missing? I just don't know. This whole thing sucks. Gustavo told me he loves me today...As a friend, of course, or at least I assume and it made me want to cry. Not out of happiness, just out of sadness because no one ever loves me for very long. I'm just sick of doing this...All of this. I don't want it anymore. I don't want highschool, I don't want family, I don't want California, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be depressed, I just don't want who I am and what I have. But that's what I've got...And no matter how hard I try it always seems to come up short. I keep trying to tell myself it's going to get better there are going to be happy times again...But I've been telling myself for that too long and things start to lose meaning after a while. And everyone tells me this pain isn't real...They tell me I'm too young to know true pain. And that's just absolutely arrogant of anyone to say. I'm sixteen...I've loved, I've had heartbreak, I have fucking MPD, I've been molested and raped, I've been hit, I've been shunned by everyone who was supossed to stand beside me...They can't tell me this isn't real. They can't tell me that my life, that everything I've know since I was a kid isn't true. Maybe it's not real to them because they're off in their own universe...Their world of taxes, divorce, sex, betrayl, wrinkles and forclosure...That stuff hurts too, I'm sure. But it's not real to me. I've never dealt with that, at least not firsthand, so I don't know what it's like. I only know this, whatever was given to me to put up with...And so far, I'm doing a crap job at it. I guess I wasn't meant to live because only the strong survive and I can feel every ounce of my strength slowly slipping away.
