Sharp Contrast To Yesterday
Something has got to be wrong with me. There is no way in Hell this is normal. What type of a reenage girl says she's getting better one day and then wants to hang herself the next? Life right now is just...Not worth it. I want to go somewhere far, far away...And leave this all behind. I don't want to deal with family, I don't want to deal with school, I don't want to deal with me, I just don't want anything. I know I'm a stupid, whiny brat...I know there isn't anything wrong with my life and that I have it so great compared to most other kids...So why do I feel the way I do? Why am I just staring at the horizon, wondering how far I could run before they caught me. I know I can't run away, I'd be caught. Not because I was careless, I'd want to be. After a few weeks of no shower, no warmth, no food, and no true companionship...I'd be so tired of life I'd probably turn myself in. It's hard to explain what's going on inside of me...It's like there's a giant black spot at the bottom of my heart. It shrinks and grows and I have no controle over it...The bigger it is...The more hopeless things seem and the more my entire being aches for...I'm not sure for what...For something. I really want to cut...I could probably stab myself and it'd feel better than what I'm feeling now. I'm not sure what triggered this...It might have been the card from Skye. Why does she always show up in my life? WHY? Every time I think I'm okay...SHE shows up...And everything goes to Hell again. I'm just so fucking tired of everything...I'm just about ready to blow out my brains and no one cares! No one even looks at me...It's as though I'm too ugly...Or I have some terriable disease that you catch if we breathe the same air. No one talks to me...No one sees me...I might as well not exist to anyone. And I'm tired of it. I want to be real! I'm not a wall orniment...I'm not here for your convience...I'm here...I'm real...And so is this pain. I don't make this up for the attention...I just want it all to go away. But it won't. I'm stuck living this life...Until I decide otherwise.
The hole in my heart was small and easy to hide from when I was young, but after my dad died it got uncontrolable. I understand that darkness now, and where it ends and started. You'll see, over time you start to understand what makes it grow and shrik.
I know your not a wall ornimnet, your not ugly, your not invisable.
I see you, and the black and blue butterflys in you. :)
Hugs and Love
Valarie
You are not alone. You are not walking alone in this dark place. Many of us have traveled the road you are on, and many of us have found a path to a 'lighter being.' You keep asking for help. Keep yourself open to positive choices and images to change the shape of your life. You will get there.... so don't give up, don't ever give up.
Hugs,
Aly