Serious suckage.
I don't think life would be so hard if I had friends. My drama teacher made me cry today, I know I shouldn't be so sensative but I just can't help it. I learn a certain way, when people go ahead and change that right near the deadline I freak out! You can't change my knowledge, it confuses me. And then to yell at me...I'm really not doing okay without my meds. I guess I didn't realize how much they helped until they were gone. I cry all the time now, and when I'm not crying I want to punch something. But I can't make friends, I don't know how to talk to people. I don't like the things most kids my age like...I like fire, I like magic, I like spirits, and writing, and acting, and romance and animals. There isn't a clique out there that likes those things. Maybe there are certain people, but I can't find them and even if I could...I don't know if I could talk to them. Or if I'd be able to trust them...Or when I do find someone I click with...I end up liking them as more than a friend and whether I say something or not it ends up fucking us up. Or they never get close enough to me to be a friend that I can talk to, or hang out with, or any of that.
People always say that their friends help them through the rough patches...But the closest thing I have to a friend is my dog. I don't think that counts. I don't know if moving can fix that...I don't know if moving will make me happier anymore. I just don't know anything...Except that I want to cut and I want to smoke and I want to cry some more. I feel stupid for crying in class, some of the girls I talk with were concerned which was sweet.
Audrey is going to have a boyfriend before I do. Not that she shouldn't, by all logic she should. She's prettier, nicer, smarter, and more social it's just....I've always had a boyfriend before her. Even if she's all around better I still have that one tiny thing...I've always had a boyfriend to remind me that at least one person is willing to pretend they like me better than her. Even if it is a world of make believe...It's nice. It's for the best though, we all know what comes of me getting into relationships where I don't feel for the person...It ends up being all physical and becomes extremely long term and codependant. Oddly enough, when I like the person...Nothing ever seems to work out. See, the no feelings are:Skye, Gustavo, and Ken...And they all turned out poorly. Feelings were: Rebecca, David, and Kyle...And none of them worked out at all. I don't understand. I guess it's Dad's theory coming into play...I need to make a move because when I get mad and go away they don't understand why. It doesn't matter though, I shouldn't be dating. Not with all this relapsing I'm doing. Not eating, no meds, smoking, isolating, hurting myself, and lying. Everything I was a year ago, I am again. I can't drag anyone down with me, so it's much better that Audrey has a boyfriend first. Even make believe has to end sometime, right?
