Sad On Life.
It's like everywhere I turn something else is falling to pieces. Something else has changed. I have no controle over anything anymore...I'm losing fucking everything. I don't have friends, I don't have a life, I feel like I'm losing Jordan...Just...Everything is going to shit. I want to scream and cry and hate the world...But I know this is all my fault. I got wrapped up in the culture of this town...I made the stupid mistake every other teenager I know made. I got cocky, I thought that I was special...That I was smarter...That somehow I could escape the punishing hand of the police force. I was stupid. I made a bad choice...Not the drugs, not even stealing the shopping cart...But being on drugs and stealing the shopping cart. And I know I'm sorry because I got caught, not because I think what I did was wrong. I've had more dealings with the police since turning seventeen than I have my entire life combined. I hate things. I hate everything. I just want everything to GO AWAY. I want it all to disappear, forever. I want it to leave and never return. I don't want this anymore, don't want this ever again. This sucks. I just want to go far far away and start over and make it go right this time. Unfortunetly, I can't.
Funny thing is, I was doing okay these past couple of days. Jordan came to see me, and I was okay. It's funny how someone can have such a profound effect on your life...Just by existing. Oh, and I'm broke as Hell. Fucking great. I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE! I need to sell a lot of shit to get my car payment...I have some jewelry I can probably sell...I dunno...I can't borrow money from anyone...I don't know anyone WITH money...Audrey would lend me money if she had it....Oh, and if we were allowed to see eachother. I don't know what I'm going to do...I think I just have to get rid of my truck. And then I'll quit my job. It's not like I can drive anyways. I want to kill myself. My fucking dream...And I can't have it. Because I fail at life.
